Is there such a thing as relationship counselling for making a decision?

[olivesonapizza]

I'd say that DH and I have a really good relationship overall. We have two young DC and no family support so are both tired most of the time, but aside from that I think we are in a good place, work well as a team, still love and respect each other etc.

However we are having issues making a big decision and it's starting to become a problem. Our oldest child is at an excellent primary school but the secondaries in our area aren't great so we started looking at other options or other possible places to live.

DH thinks we should move back to his home city. On paper it's great. Cheaper, better secondaries (or we could probablu afford private), we would have a better house. Both of us should be able to get jobs there due to the nature of our work, although they would likely be less exciting/interesting opportunities. However it's four hours away from where we are now, a long way from my family (unfortunately we are from opposite ends of the country), a lot of disruption for our older child and I don't know anybody there.

DH isn't good at making friends and all of his best friends still live in his home city. To be honest, I don't think he will be happy anywhere other than there. He is open in saying that he is really lonely at the moment as he feels he only has me and our kids where we live. I think this will continue to be the case wherever we are tbh unless it's his home city, he's just not the type to make new friends easily.

I feel like I'm really starting to resent him as I just don't feel he is willing to make the effort to either make the best of our current location (which is a lovely place to live and has a lot of pros, plus means a lot less disruption for our school age child - our younger child is too young to care) or look at somewhere which is more of a compromise. On the other hand I feel like it's not his fault that he isn't great at making friends, a lot of people aren't and I don't want to be married to someone who is miserable and lonely so maybe it is me who should move as in most ways, his home city is a great place to be.

How do we get past this and make a decision? I feel like whichever way we go we are on the path to massive resentment from one of us. Is there such a thing as relationship counselling which would help with this or is it just going to be paying a lot of money for someone to say "well, only you two know the answer..."?

A good counsellor will let you talk the issue through until you come to your own decision. They don't decide for you, they help you to clarify your worries and they try to get to the root of your problem. Do you think it would be worth £30-50 for an hour's session to get everything off your chest? You might find that you are both keeping things from each other to save each other's feelings. Eg your husband might be mortified to realise that you are worried about his lack of friendships. (Not saying that is the case, just an example.)

I'm not really sure. We do tend to be very open and honest with each other and I think we do understand each other's position quite well. We both recognise this is a big problem we just don't know the answer.

On the other hand, 30-50 quid isn't much and this feels massive so maybe it's worth a shot. How would we find a good counsellor?

Counselling is available for whatever you need space to discuss but they cannot help you decide, all they can do is guide you through the decision making process. If having someone facilitate your discussions is helpful I'm sure you can book a session.

Strangely I'm in the process of setting up my counselling service and I described your dilemma (moving) as "life changes" and my mother said so one needs counselling for that, obviously there's a market! Thanks for helping me with that unwittingly.

@movingonup20 haha no problem. Would you like to take us on as a test case?! Any initial thoughts on the questions we should be thinking about?

Definitely! I have found it helped me in the past with my DP - we were going round in circles with communication and being with a therapist helped channel this into something constructive. Not for everyone, but might be worth a try.

DH could use a counseling session to learn how to make new friends.

Be more like £60+ I reckon, most counsellors charge extra for couples work.

Could be worth a few sessions, but only if you struggle to communicate generally.

Personally I'd go, if your quality of life will be that much better. He's lived near your family for ages, maybe now it's your turn to compromise?

"DH could use a counseling session to learn how to make new friends."

This. It doesn't seem right that your family's future should be dictated by whether or not your DH is able to make new friends. You fell in love with and married him so he must have a fair amount about him.

You can try couples counselling, as others have said, it will help with the decision making process. You know your husband the best and as you said he will probably wont make friends even if you moved house. Thats his problem not yours to fix. Personally I would stay where you are and if the secondaries don't look good on paper it does not mean your child will do badly there. You can supplement any lack with tutors to help them. Perhaps your husband needs individual counselling. He can figure out why he cant make friends and give him the confidence to do hobbies and create a separate life outside the family which will improve his self esteem and redress the balance in the home?