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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ended it. This is so hard.

27 replies

AllTheThingsHeSaid · 13/10/2020 09:39

Namechanged but regular poster. Sorry for the essay. I need to get this out of my system because I need to know that I'm not going mad.

I had found texts on his phone (not snooping- one flashed up when he was showing me something and I demanded to see them.) They were to a woman who works for him, and he was telling her she could go over to his house "any time, for anything." She was giving one word replies, and he was writing loads and adding kisses. I think she was uncomfortable.

I also found messages between him and one of my closest friends (she was also friends with him before we met.) He was calling her sexy, asking her when they could meet, said he couldn't wait to see her. She was replying with love hearts and all that. There is no proof in those messages that they had an affair, but he did admit that they "almost kissed".

I stupidly said we could work on things if he cut contact with those women.

In the months since then, he has repeatedly been in touch with them behind my back, particularly the friend. Nothing dodgy as far as I know, but I haven't seen the messages so I don't know. I have also found out that he was secretly talking to his ex wife.

I've known for a few weeks that this isn't okay any more, and that I can't go on. So I ended it yesterday. Apparently I am a possessive controlling psycho who won't let him speak to his friends, but that he will always love me and will always be there for me. Already I have received messages from a member of his family spouting the same nonsense, so I am now obviously the psycho ex.

And I know, I know it's bullshit, but a part of me is still in his mindset. That maybe I have overreacted. And I am in the very fresh part of the breakup where I think about his skin and the way he held me in bed and all that.

Please help my resolve. x

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 13/10/2020 09:42

He has no boundaries (at best) and is a predator (at worst). You are definitely doing the right thing. Doesn't matter what his family think - they're no longer your problem. Stay strong.

Greenkit · 13/10/2020 09:45

There was definitely more to the messages, especially your friend.

Cut your losses, he is not a good man

Sodamncold · 13/10/2020 09:47

For what’s it worth

He sounds completely gross

Original poster
AllTheThingsHeSaid · 13/10/2020 09:48

Thank you, thank you for saying that. The gaslighting was so bad and I just slipped into that way of thinking. I also think much much more happened than what I know about, but I am trying to focus on the fact that the stuff that I DO know to be true for sure is bad enough. even if he never touched her, the texts were not OK.

OP posts:
Manxiety · 13/10/2020 09:49

He is disrespecting you by continuing to be in contact with these women. End of. This alone is enough op. You do not want to walking on eggshells around him and never knowing what he's up to. He has form. Well done for taking control & ending it. Don't give him & his headspace. Just say: whatevs 👋 Be an absolute psycho bitch. It's his loss! 💌

LeaveMyDamnJam · 13/10/2020 09:53

Yes a Woman is a psycho for having boundaries. 🤬

You sound well shot of the lot of them. I would block and move on. You will be so much lighter and brighter without the hell of uncertainty every day. I know, I dumped a lying cheating bastard once too.

Opentooffers · 13/10/2020 09:54

Actually preying on a colleague, whose clearly not interested is grim. He's shown he's the one chasing, so there's no chance of him ever being faithful if it's reciprocated by anyone. You have totally done the right thing.

MadeForThis · 13/10/2020 09:56

Block and move on. Don't give him or his family any head space. You know the truth.

Purplewithred · 13/10/2020 10:00

Well done for standing up for womanhood by dumping him. Other men have lovely skin and will hold you in bed without trying to shag every other woman in town and without a bevvy of deluded family members.

Enjoy blocking them all. Give yourself a bit of time to restore, maybe read a book or two about avoiding controlling manipulative men, then get back out there when you're ready.

User5688456333 · 13/10/2020 10:01

My advice is start looking for a counsellor today. The lies, manipulation and gaslighting really do a number on you. You need to put all your efforts into yourself and you need to ask yourself some questions like Why did you let it last this last few weeks when you knew what was going on?

This man has no integrity. And he has no loyalty. For these reasons alone you need to walk away and never look back. You didn't deserve to be treated like this. Xxx

Hesfamousforit · 13/10/2020 11:18

From one psycho ex to another well done, stay strong. He is a creep and doesn't respect you.

dinomumm · 13/10/2020 11:27

I hate it that women can be seen as a psycho because she won't allow a man to mistreat her. So wrong. You are well out of it, be strong, keep busy!

Original poster
AllTheThingsHeSaid · 13/10/2020 12:40

Thank you so much. I feel like I need to hear it over and over because his crap has been drummed into my head so much. My head is still full of him and what he's doing, when I know it's other women. It's awful.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 13/10/2020 13:08

Well done to you. You have done the right thing. Your dealing with what you know about.. what else was he up to? You caught him out but didnt care enough not to do it again. You are one strong woman good for you. You’ll be glad you did this

Laralana · 13/10/2020 16:15

He sounds like a creepy, disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative gaslighting predator, who given half a chance will never keep it in his pants. Well done OP! I know its hard but you've done the right thing. It will get a little bit easier every day xx

Original poster
AllTheThingsHeSaid · 13/10/2020 17:30

Will it really get a bit easier every day? I feel that because of the gaslighting, I've lost faith in my own instincts and I keep thinking that I have massively overreacted. I fucking cried on my walk today. I keep thinking about the good bits, which is stupid because if they had meant anything to him, he would have been faithful.

OP posts:
Fortunategirl · 13/10/2020 17:46

If anybody from his family or friends messages you with the controlling bullshit you simply reply (same message to everybody) “please don’t contact me again. I don’t know what you’ve been told but I didn’t take this decision lightly. I caught him messaging other women inappropriate messages indicating an affair. I gave him the opportunity to stop. He didn’t. I caught him again. I’m not some dumb shit that he can cheat on. I’m done. Talk to him about his infidelity if you need to. I’m not interested” then just send the same message again and again until they stop

seensome · 13/10/2020 17:46

You're not a psycho, you've seen the proof and it's clear that he's looking for a shag. So feel grateful you found out now so you can cut him out your life.

Groovinpeanut · 13/10/2020 17:52

AllTheThingsHeSaid
I think you've done the right thing! As you've said it ends the uncertainty and turmoil.
He's deflecting his inadequate behaviour onto you with all his "psycho" bullshit.
Leave him to get on with his pathetic life, and ignore his family, they are in no position to judge you!
It does get easier, it's not just a cliché. You will get stronger I promise. Just give yourself time to work your way through your feelings. Reward yourself with treats. It doesn't have to be expensive things... A nice magazine, a long soak in the bath, a bar of chocolate.
One day you'll realise you've not thought of him in a while. You'll also think of all the time you wasted with the prat.
All the best, and keep strong, I know it's hard but you will get there. xx

Suzi888 · 13/10/2020 18:13

He’s no good, you’ve had such a lucky escape. You’d be living like this forever otherwise, always doubting, you’d start to monitor his phone, there wouldn’t be no trust. He had no respect for you.
You deserve to be happy, you don’t owe anybody an explanation.
It will absolutely get easier.

ReneeRol · 13/10/2020 20:00

If anyone from his side tries to say anything, tell them to stop gaslighting on his behalf and cut them out. Block him, block the so called friend, block anyone on his side. Let him focus his gaslighting on a new victim. He'll always have a pschyo girlfriend or pschyo ex. Stay away from everybody who enables his narcissistic delusions.

Be kind to yourself. You were absolutely right in getting away from that creep. The hardest part is over. Now it's time to build up your confidence so you can move on to a future that you want.

LatentPhase · 13/10/2020 22:33

Well done you, OP Flowers

Your future feels bleak but once you’re through this it’s very bright indeed.

In the meantime go easy on yourself.. Brew Cake

EarthSight · 14/10/2020 18:38

You absolutely didn't not overreact. He was chasing other women and at the very least he doesn't have healthy boundaries. You didn't sign up to be a part of that kind of relationship. He was expecting you to be fine with all of this and for him to carry on with usual business, which he did, and then you are made out to be the problem!

I would say fine......but if he wants to carry on like that he can find another girlfriend. You should not be obligated to put up with this. I think you've saved yourself years of betrays and increasing disrespect, so well done! Smile

Scweltish · 14/10/2020 18:42

He’s a serial cheat and a sex pest. From the sounds of things there’s literally no one out of bounds for him. Why would you want to go back there?

IJustWantSomeBees · 17/10/2020 16:30

You did the right thing, OP Flowers

He wasn't treating you right and he is now projecting his feelings of shame onto you

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