Is it too soon?

[Worakls]

Morning
I posted about this a few months ago so thought I'd update and ask for more advice.
So a year ago I discovered my husband had had a 3rd affair. He left for a weekend and then before we could make any decisions my dad had a heart attack and was in a very bad way. I went to stay with my dad and then he moved in with me until after Xmas when my siblings came back to help.
After Xmas I told my husband it was over and he moved out in February. I have started divorce proceedings . We are now settled in a routine of 70/30 child custody to me. I work full-time but from home 9/10 days so I'm coping just about (children are 9 and 5).
Anyway I had no interest in dating or seeing anyone, I am happy and busy enough by myself!
In July my best mate's brother and I went out a few times as friends. We have similar interests and wanted someone to do stuff with basically - kayaking, hiking etc.
To summarise, it progressed to more than friends! He's absolutely lovely - kind, caring, thoughtful, not at all selfish, understanding and hugely supportive.
But I'm holding him at arm's length still. Part of me feels like it can't go anywhere as it's too soon. I've read lots of articles that all say it takes years to get over a long relationship (ex and I were together 16 years). We can't see each much as I have the kids/work and I've already told him he won't meet the kids for another 6-12 months.
So what would people do in my situation? Let my guard down and just go for it? I've read enough threads on here to know finding a decent guy is hard work!! Or is it too soon? X

What's wrong with carrying on as you are for a bit?

I dated my now DH six months after splitting with my husband. It wasn't a good marriage. Discovered drinking, gambling and financial abuse not long after we got married and I am sure he used sex prostitutes but I couldn't prove it.

My now DH, We knew other other before I was married and had always had a laugh together when were friends and saw each other which wasn't often.

We saw more of each other as friends after I split with my ex h, on our own and with our joint friends and then I started to fancy him. He said he'd always fancied me .

We took it slow.

I can work by you have to be emotionally ready before you can be open to anything.

I suppose the issues are that I'm an overthinker!! It's all going well and then we have an amazing weekend together or he says something and I start to think there could be something in it and I freak out and pushy him away 😬. We've talked about it plenty and he knows we have to take it at snail's pace!! Every now and again he might say something that makes it feel like it's moving too fast and I shut down a bit. For example he asked if we could spend sometime together over Xmas. Perfectly reasonable question I suppose on reflection!
I suppose my biggest worry is letting myself have feelings for him for him to get fed up tbh. I still don't quite understand why he wants to date me. My life is far from straightforward and we can't see each other much at all. Sorry rambling this morning!

The fact you were happy on your own and not seeking a relationship is possibly a good sign?

Either way, you've already said the kids won't see him for half a year at least so you have time.

My partner was with her ex for 13 years and we were together within a year of that. And in a sense she is still 'getting over him,' but not in a way that is a problem for us (because she definitely has no desire to be with him.)

This sounds like a really nice for you
His attributes and why not go for it on both your terms with no need to rush.
This is possibility a welcome change and distraction and company?
I would continue and how nice he would like to share sometime with you around Xmas.
Take it light hearted when you begin to over think about dating.

My life is far from straightforward and we can't see each other much at all.

My partner has two kids and the dad is a fact of life. He still has a level of emotional dependency on her and even now five years later she gets drunken phone calls sometimes asking all sorts of awkward questions and claiming love for her.

He is flakey with the kids and it causes us a fair bit of administrative headache.

But I was in my late 30s when we got together. It would have been madness to expect a clean slate. I'm not sure how to word it - I think men begin to categorize in two different ways when they get to this point. Some go hunting the young 20s to get that clean slate. But some like the complete product - the ones who maybe like them have been chewed up and spat out by life a couple of times and come up strong despite it - the story, the journey of the person is part of the package they fall for.

If he's nice, kind, shares interests with you and you're both attracted to each other, then you should go for it.

Life is too short to wait. If the right person shows up, grab that happiness while you can.

Wow thanks everyone! Not the response I was expecting! I thought I was going to be told it was too soon and that I should focus on being alone etc.

So I just need to work on not over thinking it and enjoying it and seeing where it goes ...

Too soon for who though? Clearly not you if you are enjoying things. Clearly not the new guy... so too soon for other people and what they might think?
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. She wasn’t someone I was very close to but I remember her confiding in me about it, I can’t remember exactly what I said but something along the lines of why deny herself potential happiness just because of some idea that it might be ‘too soon’. They are now married 😄 and she has told others that it was me saying that to her that made her stop worrying and just enjoy things.

I'm an over thinker too!

My DH says I should write books and that my head is full of broken toys. I'm great for making two and two add up 11.

But taking it slow, yep it's made me much happier and I feel more secure than I ever had.

My biggest problem was opening up and voicing any concerns but now I talk to
Him straight away and get it off my chest. It works for us.

If you find something that makes you happy stop overthinking and just enjoy. Who says there's a time restriction on when you can move on? Move on when you feel ready and do what makes you happy

Thank you! I feel a lot better about it all. I suppose when I say it's too soon is that I wasn't looking for a relationship as such and expected to be single for a good few years. So in that sense I'm surprised I'm where I am if that makes sense. But he is lovely and I'd hate to miss out on the chance of something amazing. Just need to be a little braver!

I agree with other posters. You sound like you were in a good head space when the friendship progressed and you continue to think it through. Have fun, let it grow, and don't worry about what's "normal."

As for the length of your relationship, remember, that was your EXH's third affair. Presumably three times you seriously considered ending your marriage, and when you finally made him leave, it was months after you'd made up your mind. Life got in the way, but you've been gone a lot longer in your head.

Being single and satisfied is wonderful. So is falling in love with someone who treats you well. Either way, enjoy your life. You've earned it!

Huge thank you to everyone for the comments. Everything that everyone has said has really helped. I'm going just try and enjoy it.

“As for the length of your relationship, remember, that was your EXH's third affair. Presumably three times you seriously considered ending your marriage, and when you finally made him leave, it was months after you'd made up your mind. Life got in the way, but you've been gone a lot longer in your head.”

I thought this, too. You’ve probably been gradually detaching from your XH ever since you found out about his first affair.

Anyway, this guy sounds great. Enjoy it! Onwards and upwards, OP.

I agree with what others have said, just enjoy it, you deserve to be happy! You’ve explained that you need to take things slow so just enjoy spending time together I’d say 😊

I wouldn’t worry about when you ‘should’ do things and how much is enough time before moving on, you have to just do what feels right for you. If spending time together makes you both happy then go for it. Good luck! 😊