Feeling lonely and old at 50 ! , Is this just me ?

[Typicalmale]

Well this is the drawn out bit but it's an essential part of my story:

I'm a 49 year old guy and as I near 50 I can't help thinking that the best of my life has past me. My situation is emotionally complicated or at least it feels that way to me.
My partner and I have been together for over 20 years ! so I know how to work at a relationship but now I seem to have hit a brick wall and I am struggling to deal with it, the brick wall is loneliness !

My partner is of similar age but she suffers with various auto immune diseases including Rheumatoid Arthritis and underactive hormone problems, This has also caused her to suffer with mental health issues.

Over the years this has caused quite a few problems but nothing that could not be solved, well not until I made things worse !

Things had been difficult in the bedroom department in fact we had not had been intimate for 3 years, things were not good physically at all but then I managed to make things even worse.

Yes you have probably guessed it, I had a very brief (a few weeks) but very much a full on affair.
Just another guy thinking with his penis ?. Maybe you're right.

Foolishly I then told my partner and confessed to everything. This in my opinion was the most selfish part about the whole saga. By telling her I was unleashing my guilt and at the same time I unintentionally destroyed her self worth, her confidence and her trust in me making her continuously paranoid even to this day.

Partly down to having kids she gave me another chance but we stayed together worked at it and yes 10 years later we are still together.

I love her and I know she loves me and although we generally get on okay I just wish we could do more together. Her disabilities make it extremely difficult to do anything physical and I don't just mean sex !

I am generally considered in good physical shape and I like to walk, I like to swim, I like keeping active and yes I do like sex, in fact I like to do anything other than sitting in watching the damned TV but I don't want to do these things on my own.

I want to be her partner but I feel like I am a full time carer. The kids are older and never in and I feel lonely in the relationship. I need more than what we have but how do I tell her this without shattering her self esteem again !. I have no close friends but she gets extremely anxious, paranoid and jealous if I want to do something on my own. Am I just being selfish ? Should I still want sex at 50 ? I feel like my life has slipped away. Answers on a postcard please..

As someone with RA and other health issues I can understand totally how difficult life can be
It’s really not as complex as you’re making it . You know your partners abilities, limitations , pain and struggles . This is not something she can ChOOSE to change for you . If you feel you need outside hobbies then just say so . Simple . So long as they are not simply excuses to cheat again or to find women .
If you can’t be happy with her you owe her more than hanging around being resentful . Although your acting like she is the ball and chain around your neck , in many respects you are also being a ball and chain around her neck by expecting more from her than she can give and then not taking action to work yourself out
In what way are you her carer btw ? I have quite a lot of pain quite often with a couple of conditions yet my husband has never had to be my carer nor would he describe himself as one . He is my partner and treats me as such . If he has a problem with his own happiness he is responsible for fullfilling that need through taking up a sport or gardening or walking or whatever . There doesn’t need to be any other female involved

Perhaps if you could explain what type of things you feel would help you feel less alone and help you .

Perfectly understandable to miss sex.
What's not so clear is what kind of a solution you want.
Your choice is, unfortunately, no/little sex with your partner, OR leave your partner in a decent way. (I am presuming that she would not be interested in an open marriage, and that you don't want to have another illicit affair.)

Of course you should still be wanting sex at 50, my dad still wants it at 86! He too was a carer (for my mum), for 35 years until she was released from her suffering. I assume there was little to no sex in that time. I don't know how he coped really: he's very stoical and he loved her and he had promised 'in sickness and in health' and he had been brought up to 'just get on with it'. When she died he had a new girlfriend within 6 months, at age 81, bless him.

BUT as far as I know he never cheated, or never told her he had done so. She loved and trusted him implicitly. As a result he was never lonely. Throughout it all they were the best of friends.

I guess I'm saying you have a choice to make based on whether you think you can cope with what is in store, given what has happened to date. As your wife can't trust you the dynamic is possibly irreparably skewed. Some would say it would be best for all in the long run to cut loose, if an open marriage can't be made to work.

What a self involved post The perspective of your entire post is how you see your partner as a product which exists to fulfil your needs. From what you've written shes done nothing wrong and none of her problems are her fault. She's her own person and no human being is created to be a thing to service the desires of someone else. You're responsible for your own happiness. Because life isn't perfect and has all kinds of challenges, true love naturally means making sacrifices for the good of the other person.

As another person has said, I don't understand how you're her "full time carer"? I'm sure she will be having daily challenges that she may need your support with but it would hardly be a full time caring role unless there's a big drip feed coming. I wonder if your choice of term is also indicative of your resentment that she's not functioning as you feel she should, to service you. To be honest many people around the country are dealing with a LOT worse disability wise around your age.

You said yourself you've been making your poor partner's problems worse, including the worst betrayal of cheating on her. Then you wonder why you're lonely I'm sure she would be up for finding ways to be sexually intimate if you haven't been busy shattering her self esteem as I'm sure she can feel over the years that you consider her a burden. I would advise counselling...

So why the lack of sex for 3 years, leading to an affair? 13 years ago your DW was only 36, so I'm guessing it wasn't health related then? Did you ever address the reasons? No sex for that length of time shows big alarm bells without an affair on top.

I think she's being selfish if she's getting paranoid about you doing things on your own; it's tough for her - but you can't live your life completely constrained by someone's else's disabilities.
The affair is water under the bridge, although you were stupid to confess.

@Opentooffers

So why the lack of sex for 3 years, leading to an affair? 13 years ago your DW was only 36, so I'm guessing it wasn't health related then? Did you ever address the reasons? No sex for that length of time shows big alarm bells without an affair on top.

The disability has been around for a lot longer as she has suffered from RA for a long time but things have become progressively worse over the years.

Op , are you actually a carer or just bored and lacking in sex . Sorry but I’m confused . Like I mentioned I have had RA a long time and know several people who also have it but they don’t have carers . I’m trying to understand exactly what the main concerns are . Is it the lack of sex and activities? Are you actually having to perform carer duties . If you’ve had to give up outside employment hobbies etc to care for you wife there are likely support services that may help you feel less lonely
If this is about sex and boredom then I have to agree that perhaps the two of you are incompatible and you need to discuss your unhappiness and accept that the relationship may be over

He says he feels like a carer, not that he is a carer - he doesn't feel like her partner, as they don't sleep together or go out and do anything together. But yes, this seems to be due to her RA, her other physical conditions and her mental health issues, so it's not like she's avoiding these activities for no reason.

So if he feels like a full time carer I would ask him once again. What activities he thinks would fill his emotional cup and stop his loneliness
Sometimes people can deal with these feelings through developing friendships and hobbies sometimes it’s just not enough and that’s understandable .
You mention op that you have no friends so are relying entirely on your wife to meet all your emotional needs and this is something that seems worrying
If you feel this will be only met through meeting the sex and relationship aspects you mention then you will need to talk to her about it . If the relationship were to end and you were to meet another woman who presumably was healthy and you had regular sex ands with , it is STILL important not to rely on that one person to be yoh one and only source of meeting your emotional needs . In other words , making friends and developing hobbies and interests is still important . Imagine meeting another woman all is well and down the track she became unwell etc
Talking to your wife seems the only responsible thing to do at this point

It’s a very tricky situation and I don’t know what I what do in your situation. All I know is that every person has the right to be happy and as long as you go the right way about it and be honest with others and yourself then then that’s all you can do. Unfortunately having an affair wasn’t honest but you know that and you’ve realised that was a mistake and had cause lots of hurt to your wife. Moving forward you need to decide if you can stay in a sexless marriage forever ? If the answer is no then I think you need to tell your wife and separate from her. I don’t think anyone should be expected to spend their life looking after someone if they arnt happy with it and I wouldn’t want my husband to give his life up for me it’s not fair.