Is this a reasonable request?

[whistlesandbells]

My mother is an elderly 76. She has mobility issues. Our relationship is strained, but it can also be highly codependent and toxic. There have been many outbursts of behavior over the years and I am wary of her. My father died around 5 years ago so it is just her by herself. I speak to her at least twice a day via FaceTime. I find the calls generally intrusive, she makes me anxious.

We do not live in the same country. My mother is continually asking for me to arrange ways for her to visit me. I have a relatively new relationship. My mother has not met my new partner but she has asked if he will drive over to her and collect her in the car and bring her back to where we are. I don't drive. I also do not live with my new partner.

Her request makes me uncomfortable. In some ways I don't like how she feels entitled to ask this of someone she has never met. It's embarrassing. I don't want my mother involving herself in my relationship and inserting herself into it. She has a history of it.

Should I follow my gut instinct and just say no?

Hi,
I think I would, in as nice a way as possible, decline.
I wouldn't go in to too many details, simply say he isn't able to...

Just remember though, if this might possibly be a long term relationship, you don't want him (or her) to start off on the wrong foot when they do eventually meet - so be nice...

Life is too short though for being constantly anxious. Maybe you should think about reducing contact slightly?
Does she have other support - or could you help find her alternative support, so it's not just you talking to her?

Hope it works out!

so she knows he exists?

i think you might be slightly unreasonable (on both your BF and your mum) to keep them entirely separate always.

but some sort of compromise is sensible surely?
"no mum, i'm not going to ask him to come and get you - that's a lot to ask given it's still early days. maybe next time you come, we can meet him for coffee"

Yes @DiscontinuedModelHusband , I think what you have said hits the nail on the head. Meeting for a coffee seems far more appropriate than asking a stranger to drive to pick you up.

The thought of all the awkwardness makes me wince to be honest.

Be nice about it, but defo decline. It’s way too much of an imposition, and you need to start as you mean to go on with things like this. And said kindly, but you speak at least twice a day?? Waaaay too much - cut that down. Being a bit firmer will likely help your anxiety

I wouldn't do that. Apart from anything else, due to coronavirus, you shouldn't be in such close proximity to people who are not in your bubble.

Why are you talking twice a day? That's a hell of a lot of talking to someone you don't feel comfortable with.

Why aren't you visiting her more?

I have not been able to visit for a long time because of COVID, the changing restrictions and work commitments. I can't do it all. I don't think it is reasonable to ask my new partner either.

Before I visited every 6-8 weeks, leaving my full time job on a Friday evening, taking a night coach that got me to her for 4am on a Saturday and leaving on Sunday lunchtime; back on the coach and home for 11pm. Back at work the next day, with two small children to look after. I also visited for longer periods in the summer and she was collected by my ex husband. This caused problems from both his side and hers.

Visits are quite often stressful and can be unpleasant. My mother often ruins them with being drunk or argumentative. That doesn't change.

I speak to her twice a day on FaceTime, if not more. If I have a day off from that (like Saturday) I am asked why I wasn't 'available' or 'where I was'. Often there will be multiple missed calls until I answer the phone which sometimes I decide not to do because some kind of break is needed at some point.

As you can imagine there is very little to talk about on a daily basis, multiple times during a lockdown. I do what I can.

This feels horribly toxic. You need to put some boundaries in pla. Its not appropriate you to ask a new partner to go collect her, and the fact she would even think it is and you are worried to say no shows how unhealthy your relationship is.

Thanks @fussygalore118 , I agree. I'm too embarrassed to even tell my partner she asked. So I must know it's inappropriate. 😱.

Genuinely why do keep up this volume of contact? I would 100% keep my partner and her separate as she doesn’t sound like a positive in your life.

Also where are your dc when you visit? Or when she visits you? Because your children shouldn’t be exposed to a drunk nasty person regardless of whether she is your mom or not.

I sometimes think on these threads that people post with their own mom in mind without taking into account that some can be just plain horrible people and shouldn’t be given the time of day just because they have a biological link with the OP.

My mum is a similar age and we had a difficult rship for as long as I can remember, until I stood up to her. Please find a way to put boundaries in place. You don't have to be horrible, but be firm.

I would say no to this request of hers and also say you need to reduce the calls. She wont like it but tough, she will most likely behave much better once she knows you're serious.

Look after yourself, and putting boundaries in is the only way as she won't change.

@LeroyJenkinssss. My children have never been exposed to her to any real extent. I visited alone.

Yes, I would prefer two calls a week. My mother tells me that her parents put 'unbearable pressure' on her when she was my age. I know, I recall her complaining about it bitterly during my childhood.

In some ways I have managed to escape far better than she did by using distance. Time, however, I have not cracked. It does make me anxious.

My mother refused to support me in learning to drive when I was a teenager. We lived in London at the time so there wasn't much need. I have never learned and now my anxiety has made it difficult. I expect had she supported me learning to drive back then, I would be of more use to her now. I find some irony in that. Things do not turn out was we plan.

I won't be asking my partner to collect her. I want these parts of my life separate. And that is based on past experience.

Trying to unpack this - she is asking too much of you, cut down to 2-3 calls per week which is reasonable given all the circumstances (I suspect she's very lonely). I don't understand why your children never visited, it sounds like you kept your lives separate? Her wanting to visit is reasonable but not the collection bit - trains are accessible these days and can provide assistance as can planes. She's in another country but drivable so is this Wales? France? Depending on location a cab could bring her and collect perhaps.

She's very needy but you can set boundaries and establish a better relationship including periodic visits on your terms. As for you driving, it's not up to your mother to arrange lessons.

I have a similarly tricky relationship with my DM, OP. Like your mum, she's on her own and is quite emotionally dependent on me. (She doesn't drink, though.) I have school aged adopted DDs (11 and 8) so I do keep up contact for their sake and hers.

I have limited contact with her in recent times, and limited contact with my DDs as well. She was regularly overstepping boundaries by stepping in when my DH or I were parenting our DDs, thus undermining it. It was easier to reduce contact than I expected. She does have a habit of turning on the 'waterworks' sometimes, but it doesn't impact me as much as it used to.

Your mum's request for your new boyfriend to pick her up is very cheeky, it's far too early days for that. Meeting for a coffee with her and your bf is much more appropriate. (Covid is a good excuse for your bf not picking her up in his car if you need one.)

I do think you need to reduce FaceTime contact with your mum as well, twice a day is far too much contact, particularly considering you find her so difficult to cope with. It really isn't necessary if you don't want that much contact.

It's time to start developing some boundaries in your relationship with her.

@movingonup20 ,

There's a lot to unpack. I didn't say it was up to my mother to arrange driving lessons. Actually, driving lessons were held over me by my mother and I turned them down because they came with 'strings attached' when I was younger. Always strings attached. She was a very abusive parent to me and this explains the current strain in our relationship. I am 42.

I have always been independent. I've lived that way since late teens, always worked and paid my own way through university. I'm just noting that if I could drive now then I would be of more use to her. At the time it was not useful to her. My father drove her everywhere and no, she will not independently travel. She is quite able to arrange things for herself, but for example she would like me to research and book any kind of travel. But I think this is getting side tracked.

It's overseas, if that helps, rather than in the UK. I don't want to be more specific.

@Mittens030869 . Thanks for the good advice. It helps to make sense of it, it's not something all can understand. The relationship is complicated but would be far better for strong boundaries on my part and a thicker skin.

On the driving front OP, I learned later in life and it's honestly been life changing, so please don't rule it out 😊