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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He may have used an escort

48 replies

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 15:13

Background exh chested on me for years without me
Knowing left me and dd living in my parents in one room
For over a year until I got back in my feet.

Meet my current partner and all was great at start so loving so caring we now have two ds of our own both under 2 so quite stressful. He treats dd like his own 100%.

We have had a few ups and downs this year money and family issues. He went on a stag last month and while he was there I seen in his emails he has signed up to an escort site for that city. I pulled him
Right away and he said they were looking for a stripper for the stag. The next morning I seen he sent himself £200 out of the cc to his account but he didn't lift it. We spoke when he cane home and he was adamant it was just banter with the lads.

This morning I took an urge to look at his phone and there it was a message to an escort asking her price £150 and if she was free. Her address was given but he didn't reply. He went mad when I confronted him and said he didn't go all the lads were texting. At the time he was texting her he was also texting me and also rang me in bed a few mins later and we spoke for half hour.

I don't have good self esteem. His reaction today I couldn't tell if it was guilt or anger at being accused. He won't discuss it further and has said he will leave if I do. I don't want my dd to go through a break up again and I don't want to 'share' my kids again. I honestly just feel so done trying to find love I feel like I should just plod along for financial security and giving the kids a 'family' and put all my efforts into the kids and if he cheats he cheats. He said I go in at him too much and 'no wonder everyone cheats on me'. I don't feel his story makes any sense either he used one or a mate did and he's covering

OP posts:

Rgy3250999 · 12/10/2020 18:21

Is this your property or his? Just wondering with you having poor credit. If it’s not yours, go to your local council and speak to the homeless team. Explain that you don’t have a property in your name and your relationship has broken down with your partner and you need to leave. If you tell them that there is some verbal abuse and it’s really getting you down, they should be able to help you as you’ll be priority with children. They may need to put you in temporary accommodation unless you can stay put whilst they find you a permanent property, but this will get you your own tenancy and security for your children. The council have support staff who can help you to claim housing costs if you are on a low income and anything else you might be entitled to! Please don’t put up with his behaviour because you feel trapped - there is a way out x

Dogssox · 12/10/2020 20:52

What about emergency council housing? You poor thing

6demandingchildren · 12/10/2020 21:00

You need to leave him as it's giving your daughter the wrong impression of a family relationship.
You wouldn't want her to be treated like this would you?
It will be hard but not impossible x

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 21:14

No I wouldn't. Where I live the waiting list for a house is three years. We are in a really nice area at the minute my daughter loves this house and her room and still talks about when we had to leave our other 'lovely house'.

What happened was that I wasn't on the mortgage of my marital home but I took out the loans to do it up in my own name not his. When I went to a solicitor she told me that to prove what he owed me would poss cost me 10k in legal fees and it was either fight that or live indefinitely in my parents until it was sorted which the solicitor told me could take years. So I got my own place renting but the bills were too much so had to file for bankruptcy. We were able to keep our little rented house though.

When I met my current partner we moved into his house as I stupidly thought it was for keeps so no one will rent to me now because of my bankruptcy.

OP posts:

graceeellixo · 12/10/2020 21:15

Hugs OP

I left with DS back to my mums as I was fleeing DV. We’ve been there since August. You can apply for council housing due to overcrowding. And I get my keys to my new home in 3 weeks, if your DP’s house is a big fat NO then contact your council and tell them you and your partner have separated and you are homeless. I promise you OP things do work out in the end. Xxxx pm me if you ever want to chat

Stilllovehim01 · 12/10/2020 21:31

Local council or a shelter. And without sounding rude do you know women’s aid shelters aren’t very good or is it rumours and hearsay.

He has probably made no attempt to hide it as he either didn’t think you would look or knowing your past and finances etc he knows he can get away with threatening to leave you and you will shut up and put up.

Have you looked at his call log / Uber receipts if he may have taken an Uber to her premises. A lot of sex workers won’t make appts via text and will insist on a phone call to root out time wasters / fantasists / people too drunk / kids messing about etc

Sorry you are going through this. I know just how shit it is. But I also know you will never ever trust him again after this

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 21:38

There's nothing he didn't lift money from his bank he didn't PayPal any money. He doesn't have the money anyway to afford it which is why I am baffled also when he's drunk he can't get it up and falls asleep very quickly. But he still messaged and that's that for me the trust is fine for good. I'm just trying to work out if I can paint on a smile until I can securely leave and make sure my kids are moving to a lovely home

OP posts:

Stilllovehim01 · 12/10/2020 21:43

He could have taken viagra. He’s clearly someone who hides things who knows what he gets up to. He could also have had cash on him from other withdrawals previously. Not everyone would withdraw the amount and go straight there with it. Most ppl carry some cash on them

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 21:50

Probably I'm just honestly surprised at it. He is very good looking and has the chat so he could easily pull in a bar I never ever thought he would pay for sex. I can't believe I'm going through this again

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 21:55

I'm also
Angry that he came home the next night and we had sex! Like who does that

OP posts:

WatieKatie · 12/10/2020 22:13

@bebarkered

If he was contacting an escort to get a stripper for the stag do, why would she send him her address? The whole lot of them wouldn't be going to her place to watch her strip would they?!

This is an excellent point. I don’t know much about how strippers work but I wouldn’t think they’d accept a group of rowdy drunk men on stag coming to their house en masse, for safety reasons if nothing else.

I’m sorry OP but he sounds diabolical and I think he takes advantage of your vulnerable position. I’d rather be on my own in a room a my parents house than putting up with his bullying.

newnameforthis123 · 12/10/2020 22:25

@Isitme89

Unfortunately for many men who pay for sex, it's as much about the power as anything. They want a woman who will do their bidding without him having to make any effort whatsoever. It's vile. Absolutely vile. You're well shot of this idiot.

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 22:56

So when I first seen the email he said they were looking for strippers...it was today I seen the message where he had contacted one sorry I didn't make that clear

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 12/10/2020 23:02

OP she wouldn't send him her address for nothing. I hope you are OK.

Mischance · 12/10/2020 23:02

Bloody stag dos; bloody men.

There are some real pillocks out there. Get rid of this one.

What a miserable situation for you. I hope there is someone decent out there for you - they do exist.

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 23:14

I never want another man about me I'm really done this time

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitme89 · 12/10/2020 23:15

Tbh I was shocked at how quick she gave the address

His text was 'any spots free'
She replied yes £150
He said where are you
And she gave the address
I didn't read past that and I really wish I had

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 12/10/2020 23:16

@Isitme89

I never want another man about me I'm really done this time

I think sometimes when you have a bad history of abuse you attract the wrong kind of people. You need to work on your self esteem and start to value yourself. Only then will you make the right choices. I hope everything works out for you.

newnameforthis123 · 12/10/2020 23:31

Google the shark cage analogy OP, I've found it really useful in reshaping my thinking. Plus counselling.

Original poster

Isitme89 · 13/10/2020 08:45

I've woke up this morning after a long night with the kids and I'm nearly laughing at myself for considering staying with this pervert. I mean I was going to ask him to choose me or escorts what kind of relationship is that I need a plan

OP posts:

bumhead · 13/10/2020 19:05

How are you feeling Isitme89 ?
This must be a horrible shock to you. You DO need a plan, one that gets you as far away from this skank as possible!

AllsortsofAwkward · 13/10/2020 19:25

Life is too short youre dc will adapt but know youre worth and youre worth more.

SoulofanAggron · 13/10/2020 19:48

He is very good looking and has the chat so he could easily pull in a bar I never ever thought he would pay for sex.

It's kind of a kink/fantasy for some men as it's 'dirty'/taboo.

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