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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When to stop being kind to someone with MH issues?

10 replies

Toptrumps2020 · 12/10/2020 09:42

I have a colleague and friend, lets call him Dan. Last year he had a breakdown caused by a number of life issues, was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and has been on ADs and receiving therapy since. Dan has always been a self absorbed, which I think is probably due to anxiety as he worries a lot about decision making and can become very focused on tasks. However, over the past few months his lack of consideration for others has got worse, coupled with a serious lack of empathy.

I've always tried to be kind to Dan, I've had mental health issues in the past and wish people had been kinder to me, and try and see things from his perspective but, TBH, I've had enough and run out of compassion. Nothing has happened which has impacted on work, but I just find that instead of taking into consideration that he might be having a difficult time, I've now started mentally labelling him as a bit of an arse and one of those people that I want to avoid wherever possible. I feel bad for this, particularly as I'm knocking him for not having empathy for others whilst showing little empathy myself.

I don't really have a question as such, I'm just after some different perspectives about whether I should be more tolerant or whether I should ignore the MH issue and just treat Dan in the same way that I would anyone else who is behaving in a way that I don't like.

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 12/10/2020 09:56

Difficult.

You can still be kind to him as for everybody else but MH problems are not an excuse to treat people like shit.
Pick your battles but if he’s being openly rude to you challenge him.

Nothing wrong in protecting your own MH when his problem starts affecting you.

If it’s at work maybe speak to the manager? Keep communications with Dan in writing?

EriAndo · 12/10/2020 09:58

He may be lashing out because he hates himself.
But that’s not fair on others.
Do you have an example of something he’s done or said that’s upset you?

justilou1 · 12/10/2020 09:59

I think like above... when the MH issues seem to have become an excuse for being an arsehole a majority of the time. “Oh I have MH issues, I can get away with saying/doing/behaving in a manner that affects people negatively and it now makes me completely untouchable.”

Sadie67 · 12/10/2020 10:01

I've had this worry a few times in my life..... And after speaking about it in counselling I realised that my problem wasn't "Dan" , it was that I allowed Dan to take up too much space in my head and my life. You need to learn to construct boundaries with relationships that take more from you than you are willing to give. I honestly think this isn't Dan's problem or issue. He's just doing what he does and being himself. You are allowing him to take more of you than you want and then feeling resentful if it. It's something you could maybe think about.

LiveFromHome · 12/10/2020 10:02

People can have mental health issues and also be an arse.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

Asterion · 12/10/2020 10:04

@LiveFromHome

People can have mental health issues and also be an arse.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

I was just about to type exactly this Grin
Fatted · 12/10/2020 10:04

I'm having a similar situation with a family member currently. I've blocked them on everything at the moment. I tried to be nice, I really did. But when I kept getting text messages telling me what an arsehole I was, when I had bent over backwards for this person, I saw red.

Itisbetter · 12/10/2020 10:04

Arseholes have MH problems as do kind loving dear people. I find the same with disabled people, and, well, all people. I think it’s a bit patronising not to acknowledge that. He may find it harder to hide what a dick he is so you could dislike him for being a dick while accepting its grating on you more than it would if he wasn’t ill.

Itisbetter · 12/10/2020 10:06

@Fatted I have the same situation. It’s hard when someone is continually telling you how horrible you areSad

Sssloou · 12/10/2020 10:13

I feel bad for this, particularly as I'm knocking him for not having empathy for others whilst showing little empathy myself.

You are listening to your gut.

You have shown empathy for someone around their MH.

However your gut is telling you that this is beyond it and he is being an arse - and correctly again you should not show empathy here.

Be careful in the workplace. Don’t come between him and his failings. If you try to rescue him and he has been an arse repeatedly to others you could be implicated somehow.

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