Been on a few dates but miss my ex desperately

[Potpourripolly]

Came out of a 6 year relationship a few months back, things hadn’t been right for a while before that. There’s no going back now, too much final stuff has been said and done. I’ve been on a couple of online dates now including one last night, both men perfectly pleasant but I’ve come away now with a sense of grief that I’ll never again go on a date with my ex. I can’t imagine ever again having the same sort of deep emotional and spiritual connection I had with him. Going to stop dating for a while now but just wondered if anyone had any other advice? I’m already no contact with ex.

Please, anyone? I can’t sleep I feel so sad

A few months after a six year relationship is still very soon imo. I wouldn't expect to be over someone so quickly.

Why did you break up? Are you idealising things in retrospect or do you think you would genuinely like to get back together if it were possible?

You're not ready to date OP

@Potpourripolly sorry you are feeling this way. My husband left in January after a 20yr marriage. We were both unhappy but really he was living a single life under the same roof as me, no cheating but I became frustrated and withdrew too. I imagined spending the rest of my life with him but I also do know I was getting nothing out of the relationship. Like you I tried OLD, 3 lovely dates but it's just too early for me. I see him a lot because of our kids and it's really tough but I want to move on live a fulfilled life for me. I'm doing ok but know I still love him so it will take more time. I'm just going to focus on me for now, take care,💐

A month for every year you were together they say is what you need to get over a serious relationship. After 30 months (yep, it was a long one!) I started dating but I had the same experience as you initially. So I took it fairly slowly, then kind of forced myself to sleep with someone to ‘break my duck’ as it were. Fortunately he was bloody fantastic though not relationship material. Once that was done it got easier.

So give it time OP, these things can’t be rushed but equally you have to be pulled by the future, not the past.

It's too soon OP.
I came out of a 5 year relationship two years ago. It has taken me a long time to recover - long story but ex sapped all energy and joy out of me. It has taken forever to get it back.
I decided to work on my self-esteem and enjoy being single before even thinking about dating.
Anyway, it took over a year before I even fancied someone else let alone want to date them and start a relationship.
I've felt myself getting better and stronger the last 6 months. A couple of weeks ago I met someone who I could imagine being a relationship with. It's taken this long to even get to a stage of thinking a relationship with someone else is possible. I don't know what will happen with this guy but I am finally able to proceed with caution!

Give yourself more time.
One thing I found helped me was going on dates with myself and enjoying things like the cinema, a meal, a day out etc on my own to get to know me again. And as well as that surround yourself with friends and have fun with them. Forget about the dating until you start to see men out and about who you fancy or who you'd like to spend more time talking to. Those men don't have to be the ones you date but once you start to find other men interesting, you'll know that you are beginning to heal and can perhaps try OLD again.

Thanks, you’re all right, it’s too soon and with Covid too I just feel drained with everything. Absolutely dreading seeing him with a new woman and I think maybe that’s what’s making me feel obliged to date, not an actual desire to.

Just give yourself time OP

Don’t date yet, I’ve been single for 3 years, don’t rush into it when you’re not ready clearly

My ex-fiance ghosted me after four years together. I was madly in love with him and instead of taking time to heal I rebounded into a relationship with someone I didn’t like and it was horrible. It was two years after the breakup but I still wish I’d waited even longer before dating again.

You’re just not ready yet, after six years it can take a while to be ready to move on.

I love the advice from ilovgab and going to use it for myself. A wise woman once said to me you are not ready to be in a relationship until you don't need one. A quick read of this board often makes me grateful I'm single and not getting totally bent out of shape by the behaviour of a partner. Having single friends who are happily single has helped me loads. Although it's nice to see what a good relationship looks like in the early days I had to limit my exposure to this as it made me sad. I'm still at the point of appreciating all the shitty feelings I don't have cos I'm not with my ex. Not really fancying anyone else yet but I know from past experience it's just a matter of time as I find all but one of my exes physically repulsive and unthinkable I even went there. Feelings change over time. You won't always feel this bad.

You're still grieving for your previous relationship. You need to complete that process before you can move on, as best you can.

Absolutely dreading seeing him with a new woman and I think maybe that’s what’s making me feel obliged to date, not an actual desire to.

I felt like this at the beginning too and as my ex had told me that he had "absolutely loads" of women (whom he had been chatting to on WhatsApp) waiting to date him, I was convinced I'd have to see him with someone else within weeks. It didn't turn out like that though. It took him 14 months to start going out with someone else - and she's no prize.... (won't go into the reasons, there are reasons why she is no prize and it's not because I'm just being bitchy!).

I also had to fight that feeling at the beginning of desperately wanting someone just to show him I'd moved on. But I decided I didn't want just anyone just to prove a point to ex. I'd rather take my time and find someone really decent to build a future with or stay single, which is now also fine by me!

Value yourself first and foremost.

@iluvgab what a great post. Any tips on what you did to get you through?

@LuckyLinda3
Alongside "dating myself" as described in my post further up the thread, I had a magic calendar to stop me contacting him. I printed off a 3 month calendar from the internet and stuck it on the fridge. I circled 30, 60 and 90 days and wrote a treat on each one - so if I managed not to contact him I would get my treat. The 30 days one was clothes shopping. 60 days was a spa day. 90 days was a day out somewhere I had always wanted to go. I crossed off every day I didn't contact him and was really motivated to get my treats so it worked.

I also put a lot of energy into a couple of things I am good at and used them to build self-esteem. My ex had spent 5 years bringing me down and also telling me lies about what others had allegedly said about me. So I worked on friendships with those who had supposedly been bitching about me behind my back and it turned out they hadn't. I surrounded myself with positive, supportive people and let others go...

I also had a little box with different activities written on slips of paper. Whenever I was at a loss as to something to do and started to think about ex or started thinking about wanting some random bloke to fill the void, I pulled out one of the slips of paper and did whatever was on it.
There were things in there like read a book, bake a cake, make a cup of tea and do killer sudokus. They were little things that could be done immediately to take away the pain of the relationship break up and the need to have some bloke there.

OP I just wanted to say that I was in a similar position myself in my mid-20s. You have my sympathy it hurts like hell. If I could offer my younger self some advice it would be.

• don’t jump into another relationship too quickly. See a counsellor and understand why this relationship ended. Work on your self esteem and self worth.
• have new experiences, learn some new hobbies, make new friends. It will help you feel like a whole person again.
• don’t spend all your money distracting yourself from your problems.

Wishing you all the best OP. You won’t feel like this forever I promise.

@Potpourripolly - just do what @iluvgab has suggested and you'll be fine!

I can't offer any advice as I'm in the same situation. Only a tale of woe. Its been 3 1/2 months since my ex cheated on me and dumped me by phone. It had been such a happy relationship til I couldn't see him due to lockdown and in his words he got "bored and lonely".

I thought I was ready, well no in fact I thought it might help me get over him, so I slept with the lovely man I've started seeing recently. And I cried the whole time. I had to bite my finger to stop me crying audibly (didn't want to scar the poor guy for life) so it was more a matter of silent tears falling. I had no idea that it was sex that would make me feel like that again. I will have to let him down gently, theres no way I can go through with this. I'll just be truthful and tell him I'm not over my ex.

So it just goes to show that no matter how hard you try, you can't force the timeline on getting over someone.