Marriage Over

[Comicstar]

My husband and I have been married 9 years. We have children and I think I've had enough. I constantly nag at him to help mire with chores and the kids. He half heartedly completes jobs. Only shows affection really when he's after "intimacy" and then he is back to pretty much ignoring me. We do have the occasional conversations but it's me doing all the talking. We both have stressful jobs and I work part time, but this gets thrown in my face when ever we argue. His drinking gets bed then improves and then gets bad again. He hardly rings texts me when out at the pub or working away. I feel like I put the effort then he tries and can't be bothered. In the last few years he threw something at an object, punched the door and recently verbally abused me all day after I moaned about him not helping with the kids after he had been working away. He went craztmy anyway and really scared me. My children saw all of this. He is now saying he is going to get help after I wouldn't back down over the drinking and he is a very good Dad, when he tries. Anyway I feel like the drinking and behaviour is my fault because I moan and he said he has no c9nfidemve because of me. I don't know what to think anymore. Are we both abusive? Is it just me?

The reason he drinks is to do with his own issues, you are not responsible. In common with most alcohol abusers, it's always someone else's fault, when really it's their own. Never blame yourself. It's a poor world where asking someone for help to look after there own DC's is thought of as abuse, you are not the abuser, and he's not a good Dad.

Did you leave out the bit about you being abusive? I saw plenty about him being a violent lazy drunk (who is still somehow a "good dad" - god knows what that means). I saw nothing about how you abuse him.

What are you really getting out of this joke relationship?

No. It's not you.

A relationship doesn't need to be abusive to be dysfunctional. It does not need to be abusive before you give yourself permission to leave. Sometimes women stop themselves leaving over 'Is this abusive' when defining a relationship is not important.

It doesn't sound to me like you have a marriage. You have an unhappy housemate who has emotionally checked out of your marriage. He is quite happy not to mentally or emotionally engage with you anymore, but is keen to continue a friends with benefits situation with you......withput you agreeing to it and without there even being much 'friends' in your arrangement. His affection is therefore transactional and fake.

He also needs real help with his drinking. It's perfectly natural that you would want to help the father of your children but there's a point where you have to stop so he can feel the absence of your effort. You can't be his nurse forever. If he says he has no confidence anymore because of you, then ok, you can look at that, but remember that just because he says something doesn't mean it's true. It could be that he has behaved so appallingly that he will find any way to try and get you to take some of the blame, if it's helpful or not. Anyone who is trying to be a good person would take that comment to heart, but don't let it eat away at you. I think you should go to therapy separately, not together.

If he's determined to make you the bad one, then do the favour for the both of you and break up.

*if it's true or not

Thank you EarthSight. I'm going to speak with a counsellor I think. I know he can't come back full time at the moment. I'm just abit scared of the logistics of selling the house, money etc. Not bothered about having the kids on my own as it's calmer in the home without him here. You're right he says that I'm making him stressed and he needs to drink to feel calm. Although I think it makes him the opposite. I do moan alot though and hate it!

What do you get out of this relationship now

It’s far more scary for you and your children to remain with him than to live without him in your day to day lives.

I would seek legal advice as soon as possible

This is also no relationship model for your children to be witness to, he punching doors is an example too of domestic abuse. He is not a good h to you nor a decent example of a father to his kids. Women in such poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He will use any and all excuses to drink because he is an alcoholic. His primary relationship is with drink and not you

We have an app booked with relate. He isn't living here at the moment? Just sees the kids. See what happens with the app. I posted on here as I wanted opinions of others as I feel like I'm going crazy, thinking maybe it's me. Not sure how I feel about it all. He isn't drinking at the moment, but I do feel as though enough is enough :(