I’m lost and in trouble

[Paralyticattheparty]

I have been in an abusive marriage for fifteen years. We have four children, three of whom were conceived by martial rape.

I started a job 3 years ago so I could have the financial independence to leave my husband. I did not realise that the man who employed me would be the same, only different. Not violent but manipulative and reduced my self esteem to nothing by implying he was giving me the job as a favour (he knew I was trying to escape my husband.) I am now supporting my family as my husband went back to his home country and has not returned. My mum and a babysitter look after my children outside of school hours while I work full time

I ended up having sex with my boss after my husband disappeared because I thought that would help me keep my job. He implied this was the case to me. He has become extremely controlling. He swings between obsessively contacting me and not allowing me any space away from him, to not speaking to me, sometimes for a week.

I am pregnant. I am having an abortion next week.

I don’t know how my life became like this and I don’t know the first thing to do to get out of it. I am in the “fog”

It is hard to get another job right now, so I feel I have to just do what my employer says. I don’t want to incite my husbands rage by initiating divorce proceedings and have him return to fight for the DC. I haven’t got the energy or the resources to endure more from him.

I am lost. How do I jolt myself out of this? I don’t see my worth on the other side of the fence. I feel that to be free of these two men in my life would reduce me from very little to nothing. Why do I feel like that?

OP it seems as though you've gone from one abusive relationship to another. You were vulnerable and your boss took advantage of that. You may also be suffering from trauma (I'd be surprised if you weren't).

I would take things a step at a time. It doesn't sound as though you've contacted anyone or had advice regarding your situation. I think the abortion is a good idea, given the circumstances.

I would get in contact with your local DV organisation (details should be on your local council website or do a search). See if there's any counselling available and they may advise regarding the divorce.

You can also contact ACAS regarding your situation at work - but the obvious answer to that is to look for somewhere else to work. You're going to more damage to your mental health if you stay in that situation much longer.

The way of jolting yourself out of it is to get some counselling and then take steps to find other employment.

Oh love, what a mess you're in. Im so sorry for what you're going through - these horrible shitty men have a sixth sense to detect vulnerable women and home in on them like a shark.

You DO have worth. You're a strong woman, a survivor, who is raising FOUR children by herself. Your kids are seeing a strong mum who works her socks off to provide for them single-handed, because their crappy useless dad ran off and left them. I bet he isnt supporting his kids financially either, is he?

Unless your husband is very wealthy and influential, it is vanishingly unlikely that he would be able to just swan in from overseas and take the children from you. I cannot imagine the circumstances in which a British court would do such a thing.

For what its worth, i think you are right to terminate this pregnancy. You do not need to tether yourself to yet another repulsive abusive man via his child. This is the worst possible time for this advice, but can you start looking for another job? Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? Basically, how can you get away from this pig of a man?

You CAN do this. Its not easy, but you are strong and smart and you have worth. You can do this.

How old are your kids? Have you seen a solicitor? You’d want to file a prohibited steps order first which stops your husband taking them out of the country. Go see a solicitor to see where you stand with regards to your husband. Is the house in your name? You need to make sure you are protected legally. Could you sell the house and downsize to give you equity to be able to give up your job? The good thing is that you’ve got 3 years experience now

I would seriously report your Boss behaviour. He will likely be fired and you are unlikely to lose your job because of it.
You need to get angry. How dare these men treat you this way?? Take your power back and get this man brought to justice.

Well first of all I salut you for keeping it together and moving forward through all of this.

First thing you need to do regarding your husband is maybe contact Women's Aid and maybe talk to the police.

What I advise to most employees (especially those on low incomes) is never let your boss know how vulnerable you are and how much you need the job. There are some kind people out there, but most will take advantage of your vulnerability. They will push you about in ways they wouldn't do to others simply because they know how much you need the work and they know they can get away with it. I've been on the sharp end of that kind of mentality and have seen how it can affect management.

You can report your boss if you want like @Tiny2018 says (it certainly won't look good if they think that he's taking advantage of a traumatised employee). However, if he's the owner of the business or it's a small family business where you think they will close ranks, this won't be possible and might not have the effect you want.

You absolutely need to carry on looking for other jobs. It doesn't matter what your current boss says. Keep looking.

C.V library and Indeed are good places to start (I think there's more on C.V library). You need to find someone you can trust so you can send your C.V details to them so they can just go over it and check that you really are putting all of your best qualities and experience on there. You could always blank out your name, address and personal details and just have someone look over the rest. Have a look if you can find some bosses on the employment and job forums here on Mumsnet.

When things are more settled, you might want to consider therapy if you think it will help.