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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a sign he isn't interested?

28 replies

Pl778 · 11/10/2020 19:40

Been on 2 'dates' with a friend of a friend recently. I say 'dates" because I think we are both very tentatively testing the water and it hasnt gone beyond a few getting to know you drinks. We seem to get on well and have lots in common but he has this habit of being distracted by things in the room. For example, I'll be talking (not a long monologue but just a contribution to the conversation) and the next thing he will say is something about the light fixtures, or wondering how old the pub is. It feels like I'm not always interesting enough to hold his attention. I would never do the same, even if the person I was with was dull, because it just seems impolite. Should I take this as a sign that he doesn't like me enough to actually focus on me, or maybe he is just lacking in some basic manners? It's happened enough times over the 2 dates for me to consider making a joke along the lines of 'am I boring you' but, ironically, i couldn't think of a way to do it without seeming rude.

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 11/10/2020 19:43

Why are you interested in someone who makes you feel boring?

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 11/10/2020 19:49

Do you like him? You haven't mentioned this.
Think about that first before worrying about whether he likes you.

Savemyusername01 · 11/10/2020 19:51

He’s probably not a very good listener.

Lillysnotroses · 11/10/2020 19:55

Who txts first? Observe these signs who asks who on the dates so far?

Pl778 · 11/10/2020 19:56

I like him when he's paying attention to me and we are both engaged in the conversation but not when I realise that for the last couple of minutes he's been staring over my shoulder wondering why one light fitting doesn't match the others.

OP posts:
TiggerDatter · 11/10/2020 20:00

I was so surprised when you said 'It feels like I'm not always interesting enough to hold his attention.' I thought you were going to say 'It feels like the man has no manners at all and I don't know how to tell my friend he's just bloody rude.'

Honestly, why is this about you? And what is the point of getting to know someone without even basic manners?

Pl778 · 11/10/2020 20:01

Re setting up dates, the first time it was him, we kind of set up the second one during the first one when we were discussing a new bar that had opened. At the end of today's date, things were left open as who knows what new lockdown measures might come into place tomorrow.

OP posts:
LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 11/10/2020 20:10

@Pl778

I like him when he's paying attention to me and we are both engaged in the conversation but not when I realise that for the last couple of minutes he's been staring over my shoulder wondering why one light fitting doesn't match the others.
I just wouldn't bother seeing him again. He sounds really rude, and boring, too.
Lillysnotroses · 11/10/2020 20:13

I would just observe him don’t txt him and see what happens and don’t offer to meet up. See what happens from there.

cherrypiepie · 11/10/2020 20:18

Maybe he just feels very comfortable with you he can share what hes thinks.

HOWEVER- if you find it rude and he makes you feel anything less than amazing warm and content then it's really not worth it.

Mabelface · 11/10/2020 20:19

My other half is like this. He has adhd.

billy1966 · 11/10/2020 20:27

@TiggerDatter

I was so surprised when you said 'It feels like I'm not always interesting enough to hold his attention.' I thought you were going to say 'It feels like the man has no manners at all and I don't know how to tell my friend he's just bloody rude.'

Honestly, why is this about you? And what is the point of getting to know someone without even basic manners?

This.👏
EvaHoffman · 11/10/2020 20:28

I was so surprised when you said 'It feels like I'm not always interesting enough to hold his attention.' I thought you were going to say 'It feels like the man has no manners at all and I don't know how to tell my friend he's just bloody rude.'

This exactly!

I don't understand why you are trying to work out what he thinks of you. The only important question is, what do YOU think of him?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 11/10/2020 20:35

Basic manners really isnt it. i wouldnt be seeing him again

Bunnymumy · 11/10/2020 20:42

I bet he doesnt zone out when he is leading the conversation...about himself.

It is rude and he probably knows that it is rude. I don't know what the name for it is but it may be a tactic to make you feel 'not good enough'.

anonnnnni · 11/10/2020 20:45

My tuppence worth: if you’ve been on two dates and you’re worried enough to post on Mumsnet, it’s not worth pursuing. There are much better matches for you.

widespreadpanic · 11/10/2020 21:34

I have a friend that does this exact same thing to me. Even if it’s a topic SHE initiated and I will start commenting on it and she will cut me off while I’m talking to make some inane observation/comment about something completely irrelevant to the convo. It’s SO annoying and rude.

As a friend I tolerate it but not sure I could with a long term partner.

And it’s not you it’s HIM. Maybe it’s something you can talk to him about and maybe he will be more considerate going forward.

IJustWantSomeBees · 11/10/2020 21:50

I wouldn’t bother with him

Uptheshard · 11/10/2020 21:54

After 2 dates I'd personally be thinking about snogging if I liked him.... and if was even slightly inattentive or boring ..then sorry I would not waste my time.
Fancy him ?

AspiringAmazon · 11/10/2020 22:00

Could he have ADHD?

ZaphodDent · 11/10/2020 22:10

I have a friend and her boyfriend does this to her. He's quite a selfish man. I don't know if the two personality traits are related, but I suspect that in his case his own opinion is much more important than others.

Paralyticattheparty · 11/10/2020 22:17

I have a friend like this, a woman. There is no malice behind it, she just has an untrained mind. Annoying to be with but not a sign of lack of interest

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/10/2020 22:21

Rudeness shouldn't be rewarded. Time to fling this fishy back into the pond!

Hawkmoth · 11/10/2020 22:22

I would find the light fitting thing upsetting! DH is immune to my weird tangents. I do remember everything he says though, even when looking at lights, spiders, the carpet or whatever.

OldWomanSaysThis · 11/10/2020 22:57

If he is not going to pay attention and listen to you in your first two meetings, he never will.

He's rude and probably self-absorbed.