How to deal with a friend who doesn't make an effort (quite long)

[applesbananasandpears]

Firstly, I'm very introvert and prefer to have a few close friends rather than a large group of casual friends. I'm also quite shy, and think i probably have some form of social anxiety, which means that i tend to cling on to the friends I do have rather than happily going out and making new friends.

I have one friend who i used to work with and thought that I was very close to, we spent quite a lot of time together socialising out of work and I provided a shoulder for her to cry on during a horrible break-up. But since the beginning of this year, i've felt her getting more and more distant. She started a new job and has developed a new group of friends, it always seems to be contacting her first, when we meet up we have a laugh but she often seems quite distracted, doesn't share personal stuff with me in the same way that she used to etc.

A few times recently, i've thought that i would just wait for her to get in touch with me and see what happened, but then after two or three weeks something will remind me of her and I'll send a message. I had lunch with this friend yesterday, and when i left instead of feeling happy that I'd seen her, I felt sad that our friendship had faded so much and still feel sad about it today. I feel I've got 2 choices: accept the friendship for what it is now, someone i meet up with for a casual chat and nothing more, or step away and wait to see how long it takes for her to contact me. Does anyone have any advice, suggestions, or just kind words to make me feel better about the situation?

When you say 'cling' onto friendships, do you mean that you can be quite needy?

It seems as though your friendship with her is over and she is fading you out. It happens. It's rare that friendships are with us our whole lives and this one seems to have run its course. I would leave it there.

I dont think I'm needy, I'm quite happy with my own company and dont think a make many demands on my friends beyond an occasional request to go out for coffee or a glass of wine. What I mean is, i will try to stay friends with someone when the friendship has perhaps gone past it's best, as is probably the case in this situation.

I think friendships do change over the years and it can feel really sad. It's tricky when you work with someone as the lines are blurred. When it the work situation it can feel like people are friends, but then when you/they move to a new job then you discover that they were friendly for just that period of time.
I do understand your sadness. I have had a friend for over 30 years who has suddenly blocked me from Facebook. I have no idea why- I haven't put anything offensive on there and have always supported her when she has asked for help/job references etc.
I think people just move on- they have their reasons and it might not be anything personal- they are just in a different emotional place.

I don't agree with the 'wait to see how long it takes her to contact you' approach - that way, she's still taking up your headspace. Decide whether you want to keep contacting her and accept that she's not as into the friendship as she used to be, or decide to stop contacting her. But if it's the latter, do it with the expectation that the friendship is over.

OP you've handled this in exactly the right way. Friendship should be a two way street, with both carrying the load. You stepped back and gave her an opportunity to pick up the slack and she chose not to which tells you all you need to know. It's hurtful when this happens but she's obviously not as invested as you which is good to know because now you know where you stand.

IME if you support someone during a hard time it isn’t uncommon for them to draw back afterwards. When the hard time is over they want to move on and the person who listened may be too much of a reminder of the hard time. It’s sad but not not meant unkindly.

Should have said that this is especially likely to happen if you weren’t really that close anyway or were newish friends.

It's very difficult if you enjoy someone's company, but as others have said, these things can come to a natural end.

I realised I only spoke to/met up when I made the effort with one friend, we had a really good time when we were together. I decided not to make the effort to see how long it was before she contacted me. that was over 20 years ago, and I've heard nothing.

Sometimes you feel more for the friendship than the other person, but if it makes you unhappy, you have to leave.

I feel I've got 2 choices: accept the friendship for what it is now, someone i meet up with for a casual chat and nothing more, or step away and wait to see how long it takes for her to contact me.

I’m in this situation with a friend (for different reasons) and I’ve gone with the latter option, to the extent of changing her name on my phone to “Don’t contact her unless she contacts you” or similar. I’m a bit like you and any other option seemed just too painful (and this one requires a lot of reminding myself not to reach out to her etc). Really sad and painful.

I couldn’t accept that the friendship was now this very different sort of thing, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself asking her what the hell had caused it.

This friendship doesn’t meet YOUR needs anymore. That’s why you feel sad. It is not intimate anymore it is superficial and that doesn’t work for you.

It suits you to have a few deeper friendships that a wide range of acquaintances - so recognise that this friendship has moved in to an unsatisfying shallow zone. Let it slide but use the time freed up to invest in your other close friends.

I agree with PP that intense work friendship can sometimes evaporate when jobs change and also that when you have helped someone through something painful they don’t want to see you because you have seen them at their most vulnerable. Neither of these are your fault.

Consider if this is a pattern. Are you equalling vulnerable in the RS - is it balanced with fun and exploration or are you just the agony aunt go to friend who mops up the tears, facilitates the venting and then gets left with the emotional dump whilst the friend skips off now much lighter and refreshed to hang with her “fun” friends.

I think the issue is wider than this friendship. Sounds like you have too few friends to meet your needs, therefore you are over reliant on this friend.
What you experienced after meeting the friend was loneliness. If you had been going off to another social event.straight after you wouldn't have been so heavily invested in this one event.
Waiting for someone to call is playing the 'am I wanted?' game. Only the other person doesn't know they are playing it.
Tackle your social anxiety because it sounds like you really enjoy people, but your fears are holding you back.
If you like pets or environmental issues for example, you could volunteer in local groups where your aim is to help not to be liked. Or get professional help for social anxiety it could be a new lease of life.

Such amazing words of wisdom on here ! I'm taking mental notes !..

I think with work friends is that a lot of the time they are friends at that time, nothing more.

I’ve been through this. I took the “back off and wait to see if they contact me first” approach. It’s been a year! Somebody isn’t a friend if you’re always doing the running

Thanks for all the wise words. I find the stories of people who waited for their friend to get in touch and then never heard from them again quite scary. I guess that confirms ComicePear that if you stop contacting someone, you have to be prepared for the friendship to be over. At the moment, I don't think I'm mentally in that place, I'm still wishing the friendship would go back to the days when things were more balanced between us.

Maybe I should start a new thread for this, but does anyone have a story of a friendship that seemed over and then renewed itself, or am I clinging on to a false hope?

I think accept it for what it is, someone you meet up with occasionally and enjoy their company. When you work with people you do tend to share more as you see them every day so top up information really easily. Perhaps if you take a more relaxed approach, that you are still friends but don't see each other as much, you can still have a good friend who you know would be there if you needed them but doesn't need to know all the details of everything going on with you on a day to day basis, as can you be the same for them.

Is this, and I mean this nicely, perhaps more about the fact she has developed new work friendships whilst you have lost her and no one has replaced that work friendship for you? And so you feel lonely in your workplace because she is no longer there, and notice the absence of her friendship more than she does who has gone to pastures new? Could you form better work friendships where you are?

Where i work people come and go and move on a lot, as have I. I have had really close friendships which then finish as one or the other of us move on, with no malice. I'd still enjoy seeing them, and do meet up with some people even after long periods of time. Consequently over the years I am confident i have a good number of good friends, who l see occasionally but know I can rely on. I've never felt in a position where I have to think "do i let this friendship go?" Perhaps just accept the new dynamic which is inevitable when you no longer see someone daily.

When you have met her have you shown an interest, asked questions about things going on with her etc? To keep the friendship current and show your interest?

yeahmetoo you make some good points about the ease of workplace relationships. When you see a friend everyday, there is no catching up to do because in passing conversation you know if they, for example, chose the blue or the green bathroom paint, and that they lost their house keys on Wednesday. Whereas when I meet friend now, I feel I have to ask questions about what's going on in her life, and that she doesn't bother asking what's going on in mine. That's helped clarify a few things for me.

I am also a bit jealous that she has got new work friends. I've been working at home since March so my interactions with colleagues have got less, where as she is still seeing her colleagues daily, which i guess also makes it easier for her to develop friendships with them.

When you say you have 2 choices, it's almost as if you feel a decision needs to made, but both options are internal to you. You might decide to stop contacting her, but then change your mind. She might have something going on that's distracting her from her friendships, and that might be temporary. Why do you feel you have to make a choice now? It's worth learning to live with uncertainty.

I could have written this. I had a work bestie who changed jobs 3 years ago and I haven't seen her since. We talk sometimes by text but any suggestion of actually meeting comes to nothing. I have just learned to accept it but it makes me sad as I have no other friends.
Actually, that's not strictly true, I do have another work friend but once again it seems I'm making all the effort and like you, I think if I stopped, I wouldn't hear anything back at all.
Its very lonely, more so in lockdown when you can't really join any groups to try to meet new people.

She doesn't sound particularly bothered tbh.

“Why do you feel you have to make a choice now? It's worth learning to live with uncertainty.”

This. And does it really matter if you have to be the one to initiate contact? I have a few friendships where I always initiate contact but I have a good time when I see the person so I don’t care that it’s me who has to initiate. That said, I’m menopausal and finding it a lot easier not to give a toss about social things!

But, for your sake, it would be worth slightly widening your social circle.

When the hard time is over they want to move on and the person who listened may be too much of a reminder of the hard time.

This happened to me and I was left wondering what I'd done wrong. Turns out, I was better off without this person in my life.

I too struggle with a bit of social anxiety and am introverted. The few friends I do have, I get a bit fed up of contacting them first. I've stopped playing the wait to be contacted game...I am always on the losing end with this and one of my friends has lots of other friends and I am one of many but yes, it is worth it because they are good company.

I have developed a couple of hobbies recently and I'm looking forward to trying to meet new people when covid eases. I think this is what I need to do as I would like to find others who share similar interests. I need to develop more social circles and hopefully by doing so, I will stumble across a couple of people who I click with. I hadn't realised how little social contact I actually had until lockdown.

Yep, menopausal too, which doesn't help the situation.

I'm obsessed with silk.

Oops wrong thread!! Sorry, OP!!