DH is unhappy

[CharDee]

DH has been withdrawn for the last couple of weeks. We are usually quite affectionate with each other, always laughing and doing fun things at home but he hasn't been his usual self. He's been really busy with work and has been doing long days where he has been leaving the house at 6 and not getting home until 10pm or later. (I know he's been in his office so no suspicions or anything like that!) It isn't always this bad but it's been really busy for a few months for Covid reasons.

I asked him a few nights ago about how he was feeling and he said he just feels really down. He doesn't like his job but can't do anything else for similar money as it's really well paid for what he does. He would need to retrain as his qualifications are for a completely different sector and the job he has now he only got because he knows the owner of the company and they have paid a lot to train him to their specific programmes and other things. He said that he feels like everyone else is moving on and he is stuck in a job he hates and can't afford to step down from.

I am starting a new job soon, my niece who lives with us is starting a new job next week which is in one of those places where she can have a career and progress, one of his best friends has had a huge promotion and is moving abroad with his family in January and another friend and his wife have just told us that they are expecting baby number 2. So I can see where he feels like everyone else is moving on and he is stuck.

My new job pays a lot more than my old one so I suggested he look at jobs that pay less and we'd be ok because it would work out the same income we have now. I suggested a few places to look for jobs as he has a degree, managerial experience and other experience that can be applied to different roles. I opened some pages on his laptop for him and saw a few different roles that could be worth looking at. I suggested looking at OU courses or courses at our local college that might help him with retraining or adding to his qualifications.

I asked him this morning if he'd seen anything and he said he hasn't looked yet. In the past, he has been really lucky with jobs where he's literally been handed them, someone else has told him about a position and I've even helped him with applications. I feel like now he should try himself to find something he likes or is interested in. He has low self esteem at times which I think comes from him being compared to SIL constantly who does no wrong in MIL's eyes but that's a whole other thread! I think the idea of looking for jobs and applying is putting him off because it can be hard.

I want to support him and help him, but also think that I shouldn't do the work for him. I think that if you're unhappy with something then you should look for solutions otherwise you can't help yourself. This isn't the first time he's felt like this about work and I've tried to help him find a new role, find someone who can help him professionally and even looked at what training or qualifications he'd need for other things bit this time I want to leave him to do it himself.

He is usually an amazing husband and dad and I am also wondering if perhaps he should speak to the doctor about his low mood.

Can anyone offer any advice or tell me if I'm going about it all the wrong way?

It's only been a couple of weeks.
You have given him much to think over, your increased income shortly, possible routes to a more fulfilling career path.
Not sure it is at GP level yet but I am no medic.

Let him mull it over.

Sounds like if his mum has compared him to his sister all his life he compares himself with others, that might be the habit you need to break.

Think of best friend promotion as "free holiday home" overseas when you can visit.

It took my DH three weeks of pacing in the kitchen each evening to make a stance at work.

So two weeks isn't long and it's a stressful society for all at the moment.

He could see the GP, these are strange times and if his mood is very low then a very low dose of an AD might help or (check your Health Authority) he may also be able to self refer for some NHS CBT.

I think when someone tells us they are are very low and hate their work, it is natural to rush in and try and present solutions and research etc. but they are feeling low and applying for jobs or making choices can seem like a monumental thing to them and just another seemingly mammoth task to accomplish, not to mention anxiety about making a "right" decision. I often think the person really needs a listening and sympathetic ear, a bit of TLC and acknowledgement of how they are feeling and a bit of praise for the good things they have accomplished and do and a reminder of their great qualities.

Two weeks? Surely most of us have 'down' periods from time to time. If it was two years, or even two months, then perhaps a degree of concern would be in order but two weeks low mood given all the stresses we all face ATM must be par for the course. You've discussed the options with him - and he is lucky to have options at the moment - so I think you should back off and give at least another couple of weeks to mull things over before you raise it again.

He's allowed to feel low. It's not an emergency.

Allow him to exist, he doesn't owe you a happier mood and his moods are his own to address, it's a bit bossy and controlling to jump in with solutions and then get pissed off with him for not doing what you tell him.

If you cant cope with a partner feeling a bit low, then split with him and get a dog or something. People can't always be happy.

I hear you OP. My DH goes through periods of low mood which are undoubtedly exacerbated by other people who seem to be moving forwards in their life in a way he isn’t.

Have to admit it drives me nuts because comparison with others is never helpful. You have given your DH options including finding a different, possibly less stressful, role elsewhere. You are right, it is now for him to reflect on this and decide what he is going to do.

With low mood comes a loss of motivation. Painful to watch at times but there’s nothing you can do except let him find his own way forwards in his own time.

In the meantime, do nice things for yourself so this doesn’t get you down.

Good luck!

Is there really that much actual work that he must be there for those long hours? Can he take time off - a week maybe?

Does he even have time to job search when he’s working 6am to 10pm? He’s probably shattered every weekend.

Similarly, you can’t do it for him. I’d advise he contact a recruiting firm that specialises in the sector he wants to work in and send then his CV. They’ll then do the job hunting for him and contact him with good job matches, submit his CV, schedule interviews etc.

Give him time and just be there for him. Everyone gets down at times and if he's doing such long hours just now he may not be getting time to relax and do things that make life worth while (like good time with the family).

I think that throwing a load of solutions at him and expecting him to immediately jump to is a bit unhelpful. He needs a supportive ear. I mean we hear loads of women complaining that their husbands can't just listen to them without trying to solve their problems, so perhaps just back off and be there for him for a bit.

He's very lucky to have somebody as supportive as you.

the job he has now he only got because he knows the owner of the company
Is that what he thinks? Is he unhappy about applying for new jobs as he already thinks he'll be rejected?

Thank you for all the replies!

If he was to say "I feel low but I don't know why." Then I would try to support him and take cues from him to help improve his mood. I know he doesn't owe me happiness or anything like that.

He's said he feels down because of work and he wants to change but feels overwhelmed, unsure of what there is out there for him and how to find a new job or career so I've made suggestions to help make it a bit more manageable for him. If it's work making him feel like that and there are avenues for him to explore to try and help improve then I think him not even glancing at them is a bit silly. He isn't doing 6-10 every day and last week he was working normal days apart from Monday when he had to stay a bit late for a meeting and Friday when he took the afternoon off. He has had time to look at stuff and on Saturday I took DS out for most of the day so he's had time to relax and have a quick look at stuff.

I think the main problem is that he isn't used to putting the work in. Growing up everything at home was done for him, his mum did his uni application even though he didn't want to go to uni and didn't really want to study the degree he did and she applied for jobs when he graduated. He is really smart and his confidence has grown so much since lowering contact with his family and from me giving him pep talks!

I don't know if he is maybe worried about being rejected but the job he's in now is a good stepping stone to something else in that field and his friend who works with him has recently got another job in a similar company despite using different programs and software.

I do think that it's lack of motivation which is why I tried to make it easier for him but I can't do everything! We had another talk last night after my niece was talking about being nervous about starting her job today and I said that I'm really nervous too about my job and thanked him for being so supportive over the last few years which has meant I've been able to study and work roles with less pay to get to my new role. I said that now it was my turn to support him but I can't do that unless he makes some effort to look at a job or look at courses. We are really lucky that we have quite healthy savings at the moment and I've even said that if he wanted to go part time where he was and just take some time to be at home before making any changes then we would be ok. He said he'll think about it.

I suppose that there's nothing else I can do now. I am just going to leave it up to him and only get involved if he asks but not get involved to the point where I am doing things he should be doing!

Sounds like you've stopped the pep talks and started doing what you've just criticised his mum for doing?

I think when someone tells us they are are very low and hate their work, it is natural to rush in and try and present solutions and research etc. but they are feeling low and applying for jobs or making choices can seem like a monumental thing to them and just another seemingly mammoth task to accomplish,

Exactly. He's only just opened up to you and you're expecting him to do something about it NOW. You've already piled on a lot of pressure by immediately looking for stuff for him to apply for. I get that he's not a self starter, but even if he was, leaping into action when he's feeling low is too much to expect.

You're trying to fix him. Don't. Or at least not yet. Give him time to mull things over. He won't confide in you again if it leads to you jumping into action when he can't cope with that yet.

No that's not true.

I don't think me telling him I am grateful for what he's done for me and our family, thanking him for his support and telling him that I am there to support him could be seen as criticism.

I've told him that he has lots of options and his previous roles and qualifications can be used in other jobs and that I will help him where needed but asked him to put the effort in too. I literally told him that if he wanted to become an acrobat at the circus then I would do whatever he needed!

OP, you sound great.

You have given him positivity with options and suggestions.

Let him mull them over.

He needs to help himself.

Be wary of doing too much.
It can change the dynamics in a marriage and put you in the mother/fixer role....#notgood!

I didn't say you were criticising him; I said that you were doing things which you criticised his mother for doing. If he already tends towards low self-esteem and lack of motivation, the last thing he needs is someone coming in like his mother did and telling him what he should be doing, directing him to specific job listings and reinforcing the idea that he can't do it himself.

You sound quite snide about him not putting any work in OP. He sounds like he might be depressed and working those hours I'm not surprised he's lacking in energy to drive forward a career change.

I'd wonder what had gone wrong in my relationship it my DP started giving me little pep talks about how if I wanted a new job I had to make an effort. He probably just wants a bit of sympathy.

Sorry @ravenmum I completely misread your post!

I don't think I'm being snide and hopefully it isn't like that for DH.

I haven't just suddenly out of nowhere started saying "Look for a new job!" This has been something that has come up a few times and I've always just followed his lead and asked him what he wants to do or how I can help. This time with his mood seeming different than usual, I've tried to help but give him a bit of a starting point.

He does work really hard and he has been amazing with our niece moving in - he even moved his home office to give her her own space and is a great dad. He has sent me a message today to say sorry for bringing his bad mood from work home and thanked me for pointing him in the right direction. He said that he's going to have a look through stuff when he gets home tonight and has done some of those career quiz things today and made a list of some of the jobs that seem like something he'd enjoy. I've told him he has nothing to apologise for and that I want to know if he's feeling shit even if I can't help at least I can be the person he can vent to or I can try and make things as good as possible at home. He has also suggested we order from our favourite place tonight to celebrate nieces first day at her new job in our little group chat and she has replied saying that sounds great and her first day is going well so far which is good to hear!

The last couple of years have been a bit tough for us so maybe me trying to help is my way of trying to make things that I can help out with better?

Perhaps he could do with a bit of career guidance, but from an actual career coach? While you keep on providing the sympathy/support?
How old is he? Near a round birthday? Might it be a bit of a mid-career crisis?

That's a lovely update, @CharDee. I hope he's starting to feel more positive and motivated .