10 months to go

[Exhausted2]

Hey all

I recently (5 weeks ago) told my husband that I wanted to separate. My reason to him was that I just wasn’t happy, my feelings had changed and I didn’t love him the same. Years of his shitty behaviour towards me and the kids had gradually pushed me away. He will not accept that this is a valid reason for me leaving. I realised I needed to leave last year and tried to but he convinced me to try marriage counselling. I arranged this but it never happened, no fault of mine or his. This time I said I don’t want any counselling etc I just want to separate full stop. Like I said he said he don’t think my reason is a good enough reason and I should want counselling etc, all of his work colleagues are “shocked” that I won’t consider counselling! Basically he thinks I have another man waiting which I absolutely don’t, I can’t wait to be on my own ! Unfortunately we have to stay living together for the next 10 months as we are posted abroad and there are too many reasons to stick it out. I just feel exhausted with the same conversation every day, my reason is my reason, I just want to be happy. Is it valid reason to want to separate? X

Of course it is. Ultimately it is the most common reason . The behaviour on either side that leads up to it may differ widely but in the end one or both of you just can't stand living together anymore. It's inevitable that he will question it, it is a life changing event after all. You hint at shitty behaviour maybe abusive, so it's hardly surprisingly he isn't all sweetness and light when you propose something that he will see as a very public rejection.
Your reasons are valid but 10 months feels like s long time, is there really no way you can shorten it.

I wouldn’t say he was abusive as such. Maybe on the verge of being abusive. He loses his temper a lot with the kids and really shouts at them and goes on and on at them even when they’re crying, and calls them silly names. With me he has anger issues and rages over anything and I’m usually at the brunt of it. He can have a wicked tongue. His argument is that he has changed since the last time I tried to leave which he actually has calmed down a lot but I still feel the same. I can’t forget all the times he’s lost it at me etc:
I mean if things get so bad I will have to leave early but there are lots of reasons to try and stay till the end of the tour, the covid situation where we are is virtually non existent compared to uk where it is quite bad, staying will also give me time to save some money, my kids can’t finish the school year, we own a house which has tenants in and that will become available in 10 months so we can go straight into our house and where we are is beautiful and amazing lifestyle for the kids and staying will give them one last summer to enjoy over here.
I’m just exhausted having the same conversation everyday. I feel bad for him but at the same time I don’t know what else I can say to him but except what I already have several times over

Yes. I want to separate from my husband. I've told him I don't feel the same anymore. He's treated me like shit through our marriage. Does very little for the kids. I said it can't be a surprise. He goes as far as looking up divorce costs. I think he's finally getting it. Then he carries on as normal. Trying to hug me and saying I love you darling. It just annoys me

You don’t need his permission
A valid reason to leave is just because you want to.

Also Ignore his workmates. Their opinion is nothing

You know you’ve got 10 months so Make plans now get started on gathering all the paperwork you’ll need
Also be resolute - if he brings up counselling in conversation say ‘ no I’m leaving I made up my mind ‘

If it were the other way and an H declared he was unhappy and wanted to leave and would not do counselling then I don't think the replies would be the same somehow .

You don’t have to do counselling. You know you’re done. You know you don’t feel the same anymore. Stick to your guns.

Why did you tell him now, almost a year before you can actually split up? I wouldn’t expect him to go, “Oh OK, then. Fair enough!” — he’s obviously going to want to talk about it and change your mind. Did you tell him now as a way to show him (and yourself) that you’re not going to put up with his crap anymore?

counselling can be used to help a couple go through separation and divorce. It can help you resolve resentment and acknowledge failure. This will then enable you to build a co parenting relationship and to manage the next 10 months.

I told him now with the plan to move straight home, he asked me and the kids to stay so he can finish his tour and not be away from the kids as well as the reasons highlighted above, which actually I thought were good enough reasons to stay

But that doesn’t change the way I feel so made it clear we will be staying as separated

"he asked me and the kids to stay so he can finish his tour and not be away from the kids"

I would not be staying for that length of time and would seek legal advice re divorce proceedings. You could also give the tenants notice to leave the rented property.

This same man in your words, "loses his temper a lot with the kids and really shouts at them and goes on and on at them even when they’re crying, and calls them silly names. With me he has anger issues and rages over anything and I’m usually at the brunt of it". And he does not want to be away from his kids?!!!.

And he is abusive towards you all, no two ways about it. What is your definition of abuse if you call his behaviour towards you all "borderline abusive"; what does that even mean?. He is either abusive or not.

Living separated lives under the same roof does not very often work out at all well; it could all break down very quickly and it can also be confusing for the kids. Being around him at all for ten more months just gives him a further ten more months to mistreat you all and otherwise further grind you down.

The weather may be better outside but the house you're currently living in is no sanctuary for either you or your kids. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.