Cancer diagnosis - how to help

[Aminuts23]

Hi all. I’m hoping for some help as I feel a bit lost. My best friends husband has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s not going to be long. I feel completely useless. What can I do? I’m keeping in touch with her and she knows I’m here to talk but I feel I’m not doing enough. Is there anything more I can do? I don’t want to push her to talk if she doesn’t want to, but if I carry on like normal I feel bad. But normal might be just what she needs. I’ve read over the years there are a lot of people on here who’ve gone through this. If anyone has any ideas if there’s anything more I can do I’d be grateful

Just be there for them OP. Have them over to eat. Cook for them, and, deliver it to their door. Bake them a cake. If you drive, and, if you can, offer to give them lifts to and from appointments. Offer to do a spot of cleaning, or, ironing. Or, shopping. All work and time for you I know, but, it will be the most appreciated work you've ever done in your life xxx

She might be in 'survival' mode or falling apart but whatever help you give, make sure it's 100% doable for you. First off, talk to her, be there for her. You know her best, so you will have an idea of what help she will accept. It's likely she will either be housebound or at the hospital/hospice. She will feel quite isolated in any case. If nothing else, popping round with a bottle of wine, some magazines, a few treats will go a long way.

When dm was in her final weeks, the things I really appreciated were friends dropping off prepared meals, as it was just so hard to think, a cake - because I knew then they were thinking of me. Sending me frequent messages, with no expectation to reply.

Afterwards - appreciated the same, plus taking me out for a walk. Anything that meant I didn't have to do the thinking as my brain just didn't function.

For the slightly longer term - keeping up the checking in, particularly on trigger dates.

In practical terms, offer to do shopping, cleaning, lifts, etc. if you can. I didn't have the time/inclination to cook when my wife was dying, so always appreciated something I could just pop in the microwave (if you don't live nearby and can afford it, Cook vouchers are great). Keep in touch but make it clear you don't need her to reply to messages. Just keep telling her that you love her and you're there for her. You sound like a lovely friend.

My mum passed away from cancer earlier this year. I would say actions speak louder than words. Texting them everyday asking how they are or just saying I’m hear for you doesn’t really help much. As other people have said go and visit them frequently but let them know they don’t need to host for you, you are there to help with cooking, cleaning etc. If there are kids in the family offer to help with childcare. Let them know that you are willing to do anything to help. A lot of people say they are there for you but in reality they are not. Wishing you the best in this hard time.

Thank you all. I can do some cooking / shopping etc as she’s only around the corner. It’s just very sad 😔

Sorry to bother you all again. Our mutual friend and I spoke tonight and I explained our friend was starting to open up as to how she felt which I see as a big positive. She’s been holding it in for a while. Our mutual friend had a go at me for bringing it up with her. I said I just wanted her to be aware that she was ready to talk. I got accused of making it worse! I totally disagree! I was only trying to make her aware that our friend seemed more ready to talk. Have I hit it wrong?

I don’t understand what you have done wrong? Who is mad at you? The friend with the husband or the other friend?

Sorry I think I was a bit ranty last night as I was upset. My friend A is the lady whose husband has cancer. We have a mutual friend I’ll call B.

I was talking to B last night and explaining that A has recently been a bit more able to discuss how she is feeling herself rather than all focus on husband. I told B this so she could prepare herself if A wants to talk to her. I also said that in my opinion it was positive that A felt more able to talk.

B actually told me off and said that I shouldn’t be asking A to talk about it! I was upset. When I see A I don’t interrogate her about how she and hubby are! I always ask how they are. If she wants to talk she can and if she doesn’t that’s also ok. I’m annoyed with B to be honest. She was quite abrupt with me.

Have I done something wrong?

I lost my DH to cancer several years ago. Some of it now is a blur, my mind being kind to me I think, not reliving some of the more difficult bits. My DC were 8 and 13 when it happened. For me the most important kind of support was in terms of practical things, particularly helping with childcare routines or last minute dashes to the hospital. I also valued my DM and best friend as people I could just say whatever was going through my mind to. You really do experience the whole gamut of emotions when faced with the loss of someone and the impact it has on every detail of life. You should do what feels right for you and take your lead from your friend. Tell her that she can ask you for help and talk to you about whatever she wants and you will try to support her in whatever way you can. This has been a reciprocal arrangement with my best friend as we are more like family than friends, there's an absolute unspoken bond and that sort of support is invaluable in the toughest of times.

No OP, you haven't done anything wrong. It hasn't got anything to do with B what you say to A, and, what A says to you. If I were you, I wouldn't tell B what you & A talk about. I don't know how you feel about that though? X

Yeah I agree you have nothing wrong. Like you say you haven’t forced her to talk, she is definitely being out of order.

And I just want to say you sound like a really good friend!

My closest friend lost her mother and sister to cancer within 4 years of each other.
Like you, i felt incredibly helpless in being supportive towards her but not overdoing it.
So, every few nights or so id just sent her a heart emoji. She knew by that that i was thinking of her.
Its hard to know what to say, and when i did struggle to know what to say, i told her that.

I did end up organising a fundraising event to help raise money for her sisters treatment, but she died 3 days after the event which was incredibly tough on me so christ knows how my friend felt.

It sounds like you are an incredibly good friend, just keep doing what you are doing, your friend will know you are there xx

Some friends just feel like they have to back right off, they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. This sounds like your mutual friend B. I'd let her do her own thing, she might not be coping with the situation very well herself. Just carry on being there for friend A, you sound like a wonderful friend.

As someone who lost a father to terminal cancer less than a year ago, and now has cancer herself, I can say that practical help, especially food, is massively helpful.

And then messages to say you are thinking of her. But genuinely just be there and don't give mind if she doesn't reply because she sometimes just won't be able to. Cognitively you just shut down to get through it, and social demands are really unhelpful. But equally it helps to genuinely feel held in mind by people. Just to feel the love.

And btw B is talking bollocks, so just back away. You've done nothing wrong, you are thinking about your friend.

@pickingdaisies

Some friends just feel like they have to back right off, they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. This sounds like your mutual friend B. I'd let her do her own thing, she might not be coping with the situation very well herself. Just carry on being there for friend A, you sound like a wonderful friend.

Exactly this. The so called "friends" that back off are actually the ones who are the massive let downs as they're too focused on themselves and their own fears when it's obvious that any normal human would want empathy and that's exactly what you're doing OP. It would be very weird and insulting if you just tried to carry on as normal, not even acknowledging that she's going through a tough time and her world has essentially shattered. You've given her the space not to talk about it if she wants. You could also directly ask your friend whose husband has the diagnosis, what you can do to help?

First of all has she told you he doesnt have long? My DH has terminal cancer but they are doing chemo and immuno to try and slow down the spread. The doctor has not given us a timescale.

Anyway my main message to you is you know your friend. Are you sure you are a 'best' friend in her eyes. I say this as someone who has had many folks thinking there my best mate based on my OH being mates with there DH. Demanding I meet for a drink saying I need a break, yes i do but i am not going out for a drink with you. Folks offering help but what does that mean? I have ended up with 15 whats app groups to manage the various friend and family demands for information. It is relentless. I dont want food brought to my door, i just dont want demands for information or instructions to let people visit or the what would you like me to do. My close friends know me, they sit quietly and wait until i ask to meet, covid has been a nightmare but have caught up recently. I feel able to vent openly in our whats app group and being someone who feels uncomfortable sharing it has been a big release for me. My message to you is dont keep asking how her DH is and ask her how she is and if she needs anything.

Thank you all so much. Very helpful advice and I really do appreciate it. I agree that B isn’t handling it so well I don’t think. She seems to be struggling to accept the reality of the situation or that it shouldn’t be talked about.
I’ll carry on as I am, checking in with her each day and making sure she’s as ok as she can be. I see her a couple of times a week and she knows she can talk if she wants to, or not.
We are a small group of friends and I’m the one she’s talking to the most. I’m glad she knows she can. I will offer the practical gestures too. Thank you

I am in a similar situation. There is a wonderful book 'Is there anything I can do to help, how to help someone who has been bereaved' that I drew a lot from.