I feel really lost at the moment............[sad]

[LivingInLimbo]

Testing...........
Might be long so wil be a while.

I have been struggling with whether to starta thread or not for quite a while. I am a regular poster and would appreciate anyone trolling thru what will be a long post.
My situation is strange. Due to financial difficulties I movede out with DD1 from DP when I was pg with DD2. I could not cope with being pg and having the stress of not being able to pay the bills. So for the last year and 10 mths I have lived alone with my 2 dd's. DP and I are still together and he stops one night a week after we got busted by IS cos he stopped at weekends, and app that isn't allowed.
Well, during all this time we have nearly split up several times, he has let me down so many times and it has taken it's toll on me and our relationship.
DD1 is nearly 4 and she is very much aware that Daddy is always leaving and it's starting to upset her.
I have been questioning our relationship for a while now tho he is supposed to be moving back in soon and I do still love him and feel I owe him at least to try living together again.
I don't think I am depressed, but I have absolutely no motivation at all. I have many things I would like to be doing, but when the girls go to bed I just want t chill oout and not do anything. My house is a mess and I just feel empty and lonely and I just don't know what I want at all.
Actually I want him back here and for us to be a family, but the reality of that was not what I wanted. He is /was reckless with money and put himself first.
I do think he has learnt something being away from us, he has kept a job for over a year and cut his spending trying to prove to me he is reliable. The trouble is I have heard it all before and just don't htink I believe him.

I think that will do for now, sorry it's long

I think you should go to counselling. I know that's what everyone says when people are having problems but in your case i really think it will help.

You need to work out what you definatly don't want to give you a clearer picture of what you want.

He swears to me that things will be diferent this time. That he will be here to help. Now he comes everyday after work to see them and stays 2 nights to put them to bed with me, but he always when we fight, says I only want him there to help, or give me a lie in, on the one morning he is here. Well, you know, yeah. I do want him here to help, they are his dd's too, but that is not the only reason I want him here.
I don't feel like me anymore, I have no idea where "I" have gone. Think I'm just going a bit mad.

Thanks LMG. Sometimes I feel fine, I am happy and want him back here, but then he'll do 1 thing, or not doas is usually the case, and I am instantly bristling. Not cos of this one thing but cos of all the previous things that have built up such a resentment that any little thing seems huge. I don't know how to let go of it.
Or how to get my motivation for life back.
I fee;l like I am just existing, not really living.
I am also scared that when he moves back it will all be the same and we will have no money and I will be constantly stressed about it again. I am quite comfy now as I am in control of all the money.
I don't want to go back to that.

You are not going mad. Do you think PND is possible? It's very common I had it myself and went undianosed for over a year, have you seen your gp lately?

I think counselling would help you to get to the root of everything and also learn to trust him, do not live with someone you don't trust (is my advice).

He should be helping you out when he is there he gets a lie in 6 days a week so to egt up when he stays with you is more than fair.

You have answered your owbn question havent you? You have said you are not ready for him to live with you.

"I am also scared that when he moves back it will all be the same and we will have no money and I will be constantly stressed about it again. I am quite comfy now as I am in control of all the money.
I don't want to go back to that."

The last line of your last post says it all. You don't want to go back to that.

I would agree that counselling would help you. You need someone objective to talk to. Would DP go too? He needs to know how you feel and why you feel that way. In my experience he may take it better from an "outsider" than from you. With you he will just be defensive.

No he wouldn't go. He thinks if it has got so bad that we can't fix it ourselves then no one else will be able to either.
I don't know about pnd, I don't think so it has just been a really rough year and half. He doesn't lie in, he is up at 545 too for work. He has been working hard. I do want him back to live I just don't want the financial stress. He has even said he will give me his cards and I will have full control of the finances, which he refused to do before.
He is trying so hard and seems willing to do anything I ask . He just wants to be back with us.
I am just a bit hollow, and tired .

We tried counselling, we had reached a point where we were bickering alot of the time and it was wearing us both down, we loved each other and did want to be together but found it hard to stop bickering so we went to counselling we have been rock solid ever since really was the best thing we ever did. We learnt to communicate, argue constructively and see each other point of view.

That would help, the arguing is not constructive at all. He just strops off, or leaves, because he can
He does help when he is here, mostly. but it's the little things that drive me mad. We will talk it all over and things will improve for a while. Then slowly slip back. He has been good lately after a long talk.
It's like, for example. All I ask him to do house wise, as he doesn't live here, is wash up when he gets up on a sunday. He says I started taking the piss, leaving too much. It does pile up sometimes but I don't pay attention to the day and think Oh I'll leave it all for him. So I started being more thoughtful of it and made sure I did it at some point on the saturday. This al harkens to the no motivation thing, I am very bad at the mo, house wise. So then he says he hasn't been doing it cos there wasn't enough to bother
Well, you can imagine my reaction I am sure, and he was quite shocked when I screamed, well why don't you write down exactly how many plates and cups ios too much and how many is too litlle, and I'll leave somewhere in the middle

So petty and ridiculous though

GTG now. Will be back later.
Thanks for listening, any advice is welcome

Can you also try getting away, stayin at relatives with your girls, not with dp, might give you the space you need.

Regarding helping out in the house i know i have to constantly remind dh over certain things till he just does them, but he isn't in the same situation as your dp who surely should be doing whatever you ask of him to be together again as a family, after all you are busy loking after 2 girls during the week 24/7.

Well, I don't really need more time away as I have plenty of that. I think a lot of the problem is we don't spend enough time together.
He is pretty busy at work, and is living with his miother, who is an alcoholic and usually pretty cut by the time he gets home, so he has her nagging and cyclical conversations to deal with too. But on the other hand he doesn't have to do anything around the house, like laundry, he sometimes has to cook his dinner. But to be honest it must be hell living with her, I can't stand being there for more than an hour

Still, we are BOTh tired and he doesn't seem to appreciaite what I do around here, tho that is not much lately. I can't seem to summon the energy to do anything at the moment. I am seeing my gp on Wed, and might ask her about it.
He is doing things I ask, but it comes with penty of moaning too, which pisses me off.
I just don't know.........

Hi

I was just wondering if it was possible for your partner to have the children stay over at his house for a couple of nights, just to give you a break and a bit of thinking time.

It seems to me that you haven't really had a chance to see what it's like to live without him. You don't live together but you are still 'together' so, you haven't really broken up.
Maybe, you need some space from your partner to enable you to make a decision.

Reading between the lines I would say you are happy living alone but him putting you under pressure to let him move back in is making you doubt yourself.

I would stick to my guns for now. Don't let him move back in until you are absolutely sure! Ask him to back off with the pressure and just enjoy being a family as you are for a while.

Ok, ignore my post i've just read yours.

Make sure he isn't wanting to move back in with you to get away from his problems with his mother.

I reckon you should start doing some fun stuff again, take the focus off his moving back in. Ask him out on a date

We were having date night once a mth but he is quite high maintenance and likes pricey places, as he is moving back he is trying not to spend, so we haven't this mth. I t has been nice to go out and enjoy ourselves, tho we can't get drunk together as we fight.

He would have DD1 over night, but only instead of being here, which means I still have DD2 and actually lose my lie in which has become a bit of a life line for me. He will often take them out and to his mums which gives me some time. Not that I use it for anything constructive.

I think I have missed a vital point as well. I am ok with him moving in, but he is pushing to movehouse. This place is a bit of a shoebox, but with some effort on my part and some more shelves it could be ok. He wants somewhere that is OURS rather than mine. We rent so there is no ownership as such. I can see his point, but the places he is looking at are too expensive for me on my own if it goes tits up, and I have to think of that reality. Plus I think the stress of another move would be too much, and the girls are only just in a good sleeping pattern. I also think his moving back in would be enough of a change.

Then again we are looking at a place tonight, and it would be lovely to move into a nicer house.

You see?? I feel like a Schitzo

Bless you! I think you are just scared of upsetting the apple cart, of putting all your eggs in one basket.

You feel you have a certain amount of security and control at the moment and you are reluctant to let go of that. That is all completely normal and I for one don't blame you at all for feeling like that.

I think if you really love him, you really want a future with him (which does all sound nice by the way) then you are going to have to trust in him, trust in yourself and take a leap of faith.
If you can move forward together, without keeping a foot in the past, then things will be great! Believe in yourself and your realtionship

I think that isexactly it. Leap of Faith is how I have been thinking of it. It would be. The thing is I want to do that, then my brain thinks"but what if..........."

I would have to start all over again. I worry about it upsetting the girls.
I think if we get this house then I may agree to it. But if not I want to stop lookin. I think he should move in here first and see how it goes, then maybe look in 6 mths if it is going well.
I have already had a talk about not increasing our mthly out goings yet. Our money looked good on paper, but the relity might not. He had a raise and we should be ok. But I don't want to push it.
He wants a plasma tv, and I know him, he will push and push til I can't be bothered to say no, then it will be another £20 a mth. Then he wants to trade the cars in even tho I have just finished paying mine off and am thinking it's nice not to have payments.
He sets his mind on things then buys them even if we can't really afford it. Cos of this and leaving jobs for no reason and taking ages to find a new one we got into a bit of debt. We got a loan which he is paying off, as I see that it was his fault.
In order to be able to move me and DD1 out originally I had to put myself in debt, so between us we have about 10 Grand.

Life just feels like a bit of a slog at the moment. I have bad moments/days which caused me to start this, and better days when I feel like I should delete it cos it's not that bad.

Well why don't you make one of the conditions if him moving back in is that you are in charge of the finances. And another condition could be that you stay where you are for at least 6 months before you think about moving.

But, i do think you will have to try and let go of some of the 'what if's' if you are going to make this work otherwise you will be looking for him to slip up all the time and that is just a recipe for disaster!

I can totally understand how you feel. I think I would feel exactly the same. Personally, I wouldn't be considering moving him back in until we had got all the issues that were worrying me out of the way.

You do have a choice in this you know, if you want to carry on living as you are for now then that is fine. If he realy loves you and wants to be with you he will respect your decision and wait until you are ready.

In the same light, if he really wants to live with you he will listen to your fears, worries and doubts.

I wasn't going to let him moveback in til all the debt had been paid off, but things got quite bad between us. I don't htink we spend enough time together and I am distancing myself. He really wants to be back with us. I think it got to the point where it was going to fall apart if nothing changed. And him moving in was the only thing that could change so we thought it was worth a shot. Otherwise we could be living like this for years more and being miserable and probably breaking up
Plus DD1 is so aware and she asks every day if Daddy wil be here everyday (move back in) today???? I felt it was worth a try. Of course.

Just feels so complicated and confusing.

Only you can decide what is right for your family.

Personally my rules would be...

He comes to counselling for every appointment to prove he wants to work at it (relationships are not easy they are hard work at times)
I'm in charge of money.
He has to help around the house and take the dc's out once a week to give you a break.
You take it in turns to have a lie in each at weekends.

When I had PND the things I remember were the lack of motivation to get dressed, go out, tidy up etc so ask your gp about this. When it was eventually picked up it turned out I had had it at my 6week check but it had been over looked when they give you that questionaire at your 6 week check if the score is above 10 or 11 then it's likely you have PND my score was 14 can you ask your HV to check what your score was?

I think you want him back home, you are just worried about losing your security ect like I mentioned before.

You know what, I think you should just go for it! If you don't, I think you will always be sat thinking about the 'what if's' and the 'maybe's' and you will never do it.
No relationship is perfect, you will always have your up's and downs but, with a lot of hard work, faith and compromise, you can make it work.

Just don't let the past spoil the future.

My score was a 4 at 6 weeks, but later on, I think at 20 weeks or so it was 9 but we had a death in the family which caused a lot of the things on the list, like crying more etc, so not sure if it counts.

We looked at the house and it would be lovely to move into it, tho a pita to actually move, but i just dont think we can afford it. We wouold have to find 1200 for the deposit/rent/fees etc, and there's just no way.
He seems to have his mind set on it. A new start. I mentioned just moving in here to see how things go financially, and in general tho I didn't say that bit. And he said no we need a fresh start. So what was a suggestion now feels like him pressuring me to move or he wont move in
I am not ready to move, I have had a hell of a couple of years and I can't take any more. I have moved twice already, had a death in the family, had a baby, and done most of the care on my own. I am wrung out. The girls have also been thru a lot, well DD1 has. 2 moves, I took away her dummy, she had a baby sister. She is aware of the death but I don't think it has really affected her much as I don't think she really understands. But they are finally both sleeping okay now. DD1 went thru a patch after we moved and I took her dummy away, and I just dont want to stress her out either.

I am going to talk to him tomorrow(or Sunday), which will probably result in him not staying if I do it Sat. But I think I will say it's move in here or nothing, I'm not ready to move.
Then it's up to him really, isn't it??