How do you know when it’s too broken to fix?

[Thehiddenway]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years. We have 5 children together. I gave up work around 9 years ago to be a SAHM so he could pursue his career.

Each time he wants a step up in his career it means more pressure is put on me as it will mean longer hours, longer commute, more working in the evenings. He does not respect this at all. Most recently he has taken a job with such a long commute that means he is gone before we all get up and gets home as they are going to bed or after. Again, he has no appreciation at all that it means I now am alone in doing everything for the children and house - he even told me I had it really easy the other day. I asked if the job involved travel and he said no, but a week after starting he was told he was working away the following week. Now again this week he has been told he’s working away next week (which he mentioned it on Monday, then Tuesday he said he was going to try and sort the issues remotely so he didn’t have to go, he hasn’t mentioned it since so I assumed he wasn’t going and had sorted it but yesterday when discussing something else he mentioned he was away all next week - which considering he’s booked his hotels etc I think it’s really unfair he hadn’t even bothered to confirm to me that he wouldn’t be here at all next week). When he’s away he doesn’t even contact me.

Our relationship is rubbish. It has been since I was pregnant with our youngest really (now 13 months). It’s slowly got worse and worse over the years, to the point where there is little affection or intimacy anymore. It seems to go through peaks and troughs - we will discuss it and agree to try harder and it lasts a few days and things are just back to how they were for several months until we discuss it again. I feel really awkward with him now - affection feels forced and unnatural.

Being on my own all the time and our lack of relationship has really taken its toll on my mental health. I’ve tried telling him, but whilst he might occasionally say the right things he isn’t showing he cares. He still lies in every weekend leaving me to get up with the children, he is always the one to run errands or do shopping and won’t take the children with him so I’m left alone with them for several hours most weekend days too.

I’m at the point now where I’m really not sure I want this anymore. I feel like his au pair or something. If our relationship was good and I felt valued and he helped with the children more, I could maybe cope with being by myself a lot - but it just feels too broken to fix. He said he’s happy with how things are, doesn’t really see a problem with it and that he hopes we are together forever. Which makes me feel terrible for not feeling the same.

I feel hopeless about leaving him too - as he isn’t going to change his job so I’d still be on my own with the children all the time, with the added stress of not being able to work because I have the children all the time and having to claim benefits. Plus I know he wouldn’t be fair with money and stuff (the other day he hadn’t booked and MOT for his car and I mentioned how he was going to get to work if he didn’t get it sorted and he said well I’ve got another vehicle I can use, meaning my car, which I said wasn’t fair as it was mine and he just went on about how he bought them both and are both in his name so are his).

Has anyone been on a similar situation or able to offer any advice?

I am not surprised he is happy with the way things are; he has things at home exactly how he wants them!. He does not want to lose his controlled and otherwise subserviant slave i.e you here. Your H's behaviours towards you are certainly detailed and outlined in the book entitled "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Do read this and it should open you eyes further.

The only good to have come out of your relationship is your kids.
BTW was it his idea in the main to have five children; I wonder if his intention was to have them to actually keep you barefoot and pregnant. Also in his head having five makes it harder for you to leave.

At least you have not written that he is a good dad because he really is not if you as their mother is being treated like this. What message does this send your children, they seeing you being belittled and controlled by their dad?. This dynamic teaches them a lot of damaging lessons about relationships.

Your (hopefully in future soon to be an ex H) husband sees the childcare as your sole role and you're also there and somewhat tolerated only to facilitate his life. You do not get a lie in on the weekend either; again he has this at your expense. He goes out without them on errands and shopping trips too.

I would also be wondering if he is really going away because of work next week too. What firms actually send their staff away for work based travel in these times of covid?. Use this time he is away anyway productively and start by contacting a Solicitor. You may also want to consider speaking to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations too as the latter can also give legal advice.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

I would seek legal advice re your situation and put further plans in place from that to leave him and asap. You are right to surmise that he will not be at all fair nor at all reasonable with you re finances going forward either so this is also why you need legal advice. No man is above the law here and I would exercise fully my rights in law here re separation and divorce.

It was a mutual decision to have the children, and our youngest wasn’t planned. But he does often say now he thinks we have had too many children (jokingly but I do think he means it). It wasn’t until our 3rd was born that his jobs started impacting our life more really. Which he makes out it’s because he wants to provide for us and make sure we have enough money etc. But I think it’s because he really wants to pursue his career for the status etc and it also means he doesn’t have to be at home helping. The further up he gets the more of a skivvy I feel.

I don’t think he is having an affair or anything - I do genuinely think it’s work. But I definitely don’t trust him not to have an affair if someone caught his eye. He could do all of
his work from home as it’s an office job and they do all their meetings online anyway, but unfortunate his boss wants him in the office for some reason. He won’t speak out about it as he’s too worried about losing his job.

I feel like if he had any respect for me and what I do all week he might take the children to the park, or get up and let me stay in bed, or offer to do bath time whilst I read or just anything that allows me to have an hour to myself with no children around. Since March, I’ve had 3 separate hours to myself and that’s it.

I’m going to look up the book now, thank you for that.

Read that book and do not let him ever see a copy of it.

Like all bullies he is a coward when it comes to other figures in authority (BTW I do not believe his tale about his boss wanting him in the office at all) but he is certainly not above controlling you and otherwise ruling the roost at home and leave you tied up in emotional knots.

I would also urge you to use the time he is away to seek legal advice re divorcing him. I never say that lightly but you are being controlled and this whole situation is untenable going forward. He really does have no respect for you whatsoever because if he did, you would not be treated like this. What are your children learning about relationships here; how long will it be before they even start to copy dad in wanting to control you?.

Again what do you want your children to learn about relationships here?. What do you get out of this relationship now with your H?. Nothing good from what you write; its a life of drudgery, control and further difficulties put in place by him. He really does live the life of riley in comparison.

What too did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
BTW did you meet this man when you were either very young yourself or when you were in a low place?. He targeted you OP, he really did. And is he a lot older than you?.

Consider this too. When do you ever get a chance to go somewhere like the dentist, opticians, the shops on your own or to get your hair cut?. Never given that you've only had three hours to yourself since March. Its ok for him to do all that and more isn't it?. Not for you.

Have you thought about paying for help? Is it within your means?

He sounds like a royal twat but I do think calls of abuse get bandied around too much on this website, usually by the same suspects. Maybe if you got help and had time to pursue your own interests it might change things. And if it doesn’t you’ll know you’ve tried something else before you give up.

I see relationships as a set of scales, one side is good and the other side is bad, I can usually cope with a relationship if they stay mostly in the good, even if they are balanced 50% good and 50% bad but once they tip into the bad all of the time it's game over.

Well this just isn’t right is it? Of course he likes it as it is. He gets you doing permanent childcare. You say you can’t see it getting better when you are split but think about this...you’d get every other weekend fri night through to Sunday to yourself. Lie in on the Saturday, nice long bath, go shopping, meet a friend for tea. Rest rest rest and he will get a big fat dose of you “doing nothing” right? He will soon figure out how hard 5 kids is. Right now he holds all the cards. Do you know how much he earns? Put it into the CSA online calculator. Also let me tell you EVERY SINGLE woman I know who has left a bloke like this (it’s a lot) is now much much happier with new guys in their lives who treat them like partners and not like shit on their shoes. You KNOW you deserve better.

Nobody is demanding their employees in the office currently. He either wants a break from you and the 5 children or there's someone else.

He is treating you like a housekeeper. There's absolutely no benefit to you being married, OP. If you were separated you'd have some time to yourself every single week and you wouldn't feel so precarious about your finances, either.

I don't believe he has to be in the office every single day. If he's there it's because he wants to be out of the house. He's aiming for the sympathy vote by saying he has no choice.

Definitely find some childcare so you can get some balance in both your lives. It’s just become too divided. It might be solvable but not like this - it’s like a Victorian marriage. Good luck x

It's so easy for people on here to say 'leave' and that the man is abusive.

Abusive how? He works long hours and earns a lot of money and the OP is lonely and fed up. I don't see anything in the OP that indicates abuse. Being unhappy in a relationship doesn't mean the other party is abusive FFS.

Think long and hard before you leave him to be a single mum with no help and limited funds with very limited prospect of meeting someone else (you might be a v attractive and lovely lady OP but 5 kids....)

I second throwing money at it. Get an au pair or nanny. Spend time with your DH without your children and rebuild your relationship which has been smothered by work and kids.

Just go to a lawyer with copies of all your financials and find out where you stand. Then work out what you want to do. Sounds like you might as well shuffle him off to Buffalo...

Why is it down to the op to save thier relationship??

Hes told her himself that hes happy the way things are, he sees no need for change.

Another woman that's sacrificed her own career, mental health and individuality to enable her husband to carry on with his career and life

OP do you have any savings of your own? If you dont I'd start saving a little bit now, getting your paper work together and try clawing back your own life a little bit and decide what you want to do. Dont tell him that you are saving your own money. For christ sake dont have any more kids with him.
Oh and as for a pp saying to stay with him because no ones will be interested in someone with 5 kids,don't listen. The last thing you'd need right now is another relationship anyway and even if it did happenthe right man wont care if you have that many kids. I've got 4 and still found a wonderful man.

Good luck

So much good advice on here for you OP. Now my 2 cents worth! He’s got everything humming along nicely......in his favour! If you are certain you want to stay in this setup, then I would suggest some things need changing. As regards his job, I’ll be generous and suggest he’s shimmying up the corporate ladder because he needs a reasonable wage to support you all. As far as him doing the shopping - that’s nonsense, it really is, assert yourself and tell him most definitely you are doing it, he’s child minding. The same re your car....hide the keys. Yes he’ll sulk and carry on, but it’s time to change a few things around, old saying.... if nothing changes, nothing changes. Good luck

OP. I was thinking it is unusual your DH is not affected by the coronavirus in terms of his job, re:working from home, at least some of the time. Which means your situation has been compounded, you are left to cope on your own with 5 children even during a Pandemic. You must be exhausted, and craving some adult conversation.
Mothers and wives had to live like this decades ago, up to the 1960's, where their expected role in life was to be a dutiful SAHM, with no time to pamper themselves. You are in a time warp, it's no wonder you feel more like an au pair than a wife, especially now when you say you feel very awkward with him and couldn't imagine intimacy again. Does your DH earn enough to employ an au pair ? You deserve some time to yourself, like another PP said, even if it's to get your hair done. You say he lies in bed at the weekends, it doesn't sound as if he wants to spend tie with his family, but could this in part be due to exhaustion on his side too, from the commuting?
I don't know what to offer in the way of a solution, but what if you were ever ill? Surely he would have to take time off then?
You may as well be a single parent, maybe Gingerbread could have some suggestions on coping?