where do I go from here?

[nosecondchild]

Ok, a brief bit of background...

with dh for 10 years.
Dh has little or no sex drive and has been like this since about a year into the relationship.
In 2005 (after having sex twice that year) I miraculously conceived and we now have a son.
we have had sex once since then.
DH has been in therapy which has helped in other regards although not with his sex drive and he recently went to his gp and got some viagra.
It didn't work.

We'd like a second child but I just can't see how this is going to happen. We have a good marriage apart from this so I suppose I'm now wondering how I resign myself to not having the second child I would like and probably not having sex again. I'm 36

I have to be offline for most of today but would appreciate anyone's thoughts. Anyone in the same boat??

I am, sort of, but I am happy with it, so I'm not sure how much help or advice in terms of changing things I could give BUT if you want to chat about the feelings when your bloke 'goes off the boil' and stuff and coming to terms with it and understanding it, then please feel free to email me. I'm mud24 at hotmail dot co dot uk.

FWIW, I am, and I'm not happy with it. H has threatened a divorce, but although I have a stronger case than him I won't do so because I don't want to be the one that dds apportion the blame on.

I really feel for you. I've no words of wisdom, but just wanted to say you're not alone.

And stay strong. XXX

Same boat here too. Haven't had sex since 1995!!! Bothers me less lately TBH.

Have one DS conceived through IVF. Were living in Asia and a friend had had IVF and suggested I try - it's much different to UK - you have the money they'll do it. Doc initially suggest artificial insemination but when they tested sperm it as v. low so went straight to IVF and conceived first time. DS is now 6.

I would have loved another but DH wasn't keen. He came around to the idea and we tried IVF again last year but as I was 42 it didn't work. May try again early next year and are contemplating adoption.

We did have some counselling although as we are not in UK it is difficult. DH has said it wouldn't bother him if he never had sex again.

If we lived a more normal life (i.e. not expats) I would prob have left but if I were to leave I would not stay here so would be taking DS away from his home and school AND Daddy for what I feel are purely selfish reasons. And I do love DH and we get on well in all other aspects. He still makes me laugh. Also DH was adopted and both his adoptive parents are dead so DS is his only blood relative and it would break my heart to take that away from him.

Need to go wake DS up for school but will check back later today.

Does your husband still masturbate? Does he get erections? If you (both of you) want to fix this, it's worth working out if the problem is physical, or psychological. Is couples/sexual counselling an option?

Sex drive is, I think, a bit innate, but also easily affected by your emotions, and your relationship.

The "obvious" thing to try is sensate focus - which is just trying to put yourselves back in connection with the physical pleasure of contact, without sexual pressure. This page on it looks good.

If both you and your partner is happy without sex, obviously, why change things. And unless both of you want sex, change is unlikely.

thanks for your messages. DH has said that he's finding it increasingly difficult to even get an erection let alone maintain it so things don't look that good. I find I'm more worried about the profound effect it will have on ds - he'll be an only child (although I have nothing against this in principle) and, ok, we may not have been able to have another child anyway for a whole heap of circumstances but it seems mostly unfair on him. Tbh, if I could get pregnant again I would probably be ok with the prospect of a celibate marriage but it just seems unfair that I (apparently) don't have any choice. Thanks again for letting me know I'm not alone

Ok, does your DH have underlying health issues that explain the erectile diffiulties? I'd be a bit worried that something might be going on there (diabetes, heart issues, whatever) that was causing the erectile problems, so I'd want to get it checked out, just for that.

Does he ever manage to ejaculate? Would AI be an option for you? Or adoption? If another child is something you both want, you should consider other methods to get one.