Unhappy in my relationship

[MadDad92]

Hi all, hoping I can get some advice or a kick up the arse from women and maybe some men who understand.

Me and my fiancé have been together for 4 years, we’ve both been very happy together for the majority of that time and have two kids together, one boy one girl, on the face of our relationship I should be the happiest man in the world with two kids and a fiancé that loves me.

We have always had problems with money, my fiancé had debt before we met and after having my boy we had to pay for childcare as we both worked. More debt came when tax credits screwed us over and left us with nothing from a £900 childcare bill which we then had to take a loan out to cover. Basically from there money problems multiplied until now where we’ve now had to take out an IVA to get ourselves out of it.

This year has also been pretty rough for us, after having my girl in February my fiancé was sterilised on medical grounds which she opted for. However she regretted it soon after and to make things worse she then fell pregnant and had a miscarriage(our second overall) due to to being sterilised. This made her mental health worse than it has ever been and there’s been many times I’ve held her while she cries telling me she wants to die and we’d be better off without her. Me trying to reassure her sometimes works but really only seems to keep her steady until her next low moment.

All of this is to say I’m unhappy in the relationship and I feel guilty as hell about it. I’ve really had to do nothing but do my best to comfort her, but between working 50+ hours a week, bringing up our kids and trying to maintain a relationship that has become more stressful than a relationship should be I feel it’s gradually broken me down. There are times where I feel totally depressed and wonder how much longer I can or should carry on hiding my unhappiness, I worry for her safety if I come out with it.

I’m honestly out of ideas for what to do, no doubt I’ll persevere for now for the sake of our kids, they don’t seem to have sensed anything, but in the long term I just don’t know what to do.

If you’ve got through all that then thanks, I’m hoping someone can tell me wether my feelings are ok to have or wether I’m being a selfish arsehole!

Hi @MadDad92 of course your feelings are okay and you're not an arsehole for how you feel! It sounds like you still love her but are struggling with the pressure of working so many hours, bringing up the kids and supporting your fiance.

With the first, can you reduce your hours? I appreciate money worries may be a bigger issue if you do that, but can you take your kid/s out of childcare for a day or 2 to reduce the cost? That way you can reduce your work hours and support your wife at home more.

As for your relationship, you don't have to stay with anyone you're not happy with, but is this a constant theme that has been present for years or a blip/rough patch due to circumstance? How does your fiance feel about everything and have you spoken to her or anyone else about how you're feeling? Perhaps she needs counselling/psychotherapy herself to deal with the loss? And maybe you do too and to work out what you want?

Hope this helps

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately my job isn't flexible with hours so no changes likely to happen there. My kids aren't in childcare right now but my boy was a while back, that's what led us deep into debt and ultimately meant my OH had to stop working to look after him which I think was the beginning of her existing mental health issues getting worse.

For me our relationship has been good and I know that she feels the same. However her mental health has always been been a factor, there have been plenty of patches in the relationship where I've basically turned into her councillor and had to talk her down from wanting to kill herself, while I would do this again and again because I love her, it has become mentally and physically draining to the point I am now miserable and leaning towards leaving, but of course I'm not happy about breaking up my family and I'm also worried about her mental health if I leave. Is that a reason to stay in a relationship where I'm increasingly unhappy?

I honestly can't even think how I'd begin to talk to her about my feelings about our relationship, it would break her to know I'm not happy anymore and I worry for her safety if I do leave. And I haven't spoken to anyone else about this, we have a small circle of friends and I don't want to tell them and put them in a position where they feel they should tell her, even though I know they wouldn't.

She has had counselling in fits and starts, she says it helps but it never lasts. Another thing I didn't mention is that she is desperate for a third child despite being sterilised. I am dead against having more as we financially struggle enough already, not to mention the stress another child would bring. This has led to some massive arguments.

I'm at a point where I want to leave but as I say, I worry about the consequences, she has said before that if I left she doesn't know whether she'd cope mentally.

Thanks for your help!

Firstly, dont feel bad. This is a lot to deal with. Surely if she's sometimes suicidal she shouldn't be planning a third child right now.
Can you afford to get some counselling for yourself?
You sound very loyal to her, but it could he time to offload in real life, whether that's a friend, relative or counsellor.

She needs a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Proper medically trained people. Not counsellors. She should be on medication. This is more serious that therapeutic counselling. I have a friend who is similar and she sees two people once a week. Go see your GP and ask for an urgent referral to a clinical psychiatrist who is specialised is suicidal thoughts. This is really serious. Please act now. Call the headstart charity for more advice. Call mental health charities. She should have been on medication after the first conversation about killing herself. My friend has had two years of help and is now stable. It’s possible to turn this around but you need proper help. You’re not trained to deal with this. Go online and find mental health support forums. It’s important to look after you too

The third child is a no until she is stable, it’s a very very bad idea.

You could also google the name of your area and crisis team. Call them. You need to me asking everyone you can for help. She can’t do it because people in that state aren’t capable of that.

Speaking as a man who has stuck with his partner through 11 miscarriages I know it is hard. I love her, always have, always will.

You love this woman and started a life together she gave you children. Her mental health is struggling and rightly so. Men will never understand what it is for a woman to lose a child no matter how early the pregnancy. It is hard for a man too which rarely gets talked about, not only the loss of a potential child but the impact it has on you and also your partner. As men we feel somewhat powerless as we want to help and support but outside of comforting and stepping up a bit more we can never know what she is going through. Makes you feel useless, lost.

Mother nature is a cruel bitch, but things happen for a reason.

A newborn can really make and cement a loving relationship but I would say it isn't a fix for an insecure relationship.

I think here the major problem is your suffering mentally and emotionally and your tired but you feel like you can't be because of your partners anguish and your supporting her.
Look it's okay to be emotional and cry and vent. Your human.

My advice would be to tell her how your feeling and you will see your feelings are the same and you can share the solace. Let her know she isn't alone with her feelings. Grieving has many stages, tackle them together, cry together, hugs lots of hugs, be attentive to each other and you will get past this. Trust me

Great advice all round and lots of things for you to think about. Getting proper help for you and her has to come first as previous posters have said. Then deciding if you should stay or go.

You are not responsible for staying purely to conserve her mental health but equally this may be a bad patch you can weather together with the correct help? Only you know the answer to that.

In regards to the third child, very very bad consideration in this situation as you know and I'm sure she knows really. She may be wanting to 'replace' the baby you lost and focus her hurt onto creating another but she will need therapy first to deal with the loss. And you will too. Look after yourself.

@Happysunshinebear

Speaking as a man who has stuck with his partner through 11 miscarriages I know it is hard. I love her, always have, always will.

You love this woman and started a life together she gave you children. Her mental health is struggling and rightly so. Men will never understand what it is for a woman to lose a child no matter how early the pregnancy. It is hard for a man too which rarely gets talked about, not only the loss of a potential child but the impact it has on you and also your partner. As men we feel somewhat powerless as we want to help and support but outside of comforting and stepping up a bit more we can never know what she is going through. Makes you feel useless, lost.

Mother nature is a cruel bitch, but things happen for a reason.

A newborn can really make and cement a loving relationship but I would say it isn't a fix for an insecure relationship.

I think here the major problem is your suffering mentally and emotionally and your tired but you feel like you can't be because of your partners anguish and your supporting her.
Look it's okay to be emotional and cry and vent. Your human.

My advice would be to tell her how your feeling and you will see your feelings are the same and you can share the solace. Let her know she isn't alone with her feelings. Grieving has many stages, tackle them together, cry together, hugs lots of hugs, be attentive to each other and you will get past this. Trust me

I was hoping for a male perspective on this so thanks for replying. You've hit the nail on the head with what I'm feeling. I feel and hope I've tried my best right through. Her mental health has been up and down ever since our first miscarriage 2 years ago and after this latest miscarriage I was sure she was going to kill herself, to the point the doctor was going to section her, however her health visitor stepped in to stop it.

I'm just stuck with what to do, I know I'm not happy anymore but I still love and care for her and want her to get better for good, but I just know that's not likely. I just don't know where to draw the line between trying to maintain our relationship and help her and when to think about what would make me happy.

Anyway thanks for the reply, good to get a male perspective.

1. She needs a mental health professional asap via her GP and she needs to push for help and intervention. You're there to support her and love her but someone with mental health training is also needed otherwise you'll buckle from the pressure

1. Live within your means. Hopefully it's something you're already addressing but nearly everyone in serious debt is in that situation due to bad choices. You both need to take responsibility for only spending what you can afford. Citizens advice bureau and debt charities will be able to help.

1. Make sure you look after your own emotional and mental needs too. Remember you're unhappy not because of her, but unhappy because of the situation. Love and family is the most important thing in life so continue focusing on what matters and reduce, where you can, work hours and other areas of stress even if it means cutting back on other areas. You will still be dealing with stress even if you left her and try to bail. Remember you have 2 young children who need an intact family unit and you're responsible for them. Things are very tough now but we all go through tough times and there's no reason why things wont change in time for the better.

For your own needs, try going out for daily walks/exercise which helps clear the mind, eat healthy, get adequate sleep where you can etc. These are all relatively simple physical changes which when done regularly, make a real difference to mental health. Also talking to the Samaritans for a chat with someone (they're there for anyone, not just people who ar suicidal)

She needs to go and see her doctor or consultant. There are dozens of things they can try, so if some haven't worked more than this, she should go back so they can change her meds or up the dose.

She should be getting all the evidence based help she can for her mental health, or it isn't fair on you.

You're not her therapist either, so like you say you can only really be a sticking plaster on the wound compared to a professional working with her. She should get on the list for counselling and ideally see (Zoom is pretty good I found) a therapist in the mean time too. There are some free services around, also private therapy can sometimes be affordable if it's prioritized.

She does need help, doctors have been pretty unhelpful tbh, they told her that unless she actually attempted suicide then she would be waiting 6 months for a counsellor due to the waiting list being so long. However as mentioned before we went to a different doctor when we moved areas and their immediate reaction was to say she needed to be sectioned, thanks to her health visitor that didn't happen.

As for other areas of our life money is more under control due to an IVA, the majority of our debt came from before I even met my fiancé and then from being screwed over with childcare fees.

As for my own mental needs I don't know where to start, I just know things have been downhill for a while with no real change in sight, thanks for all the advice!

Is she compliant with medication?

If she's not happy wiith a doctor she can try another one/ ask to change teams.

she would be waiting 6 months for a counsellor due to the waiting list being so long

Yes, that's the way it goes. She needs to get on the list.

All this isn't stuff you can do once and less you're lucky and hit on the right med first time. You need to keep going back/seeing them until something works.

For yourself, there are carer's groups so you can let off steam to people in the same position.

'and less' = unless

If they said she would be sectioned, does that mean she didn't want to go into hospital? She can go in as an involuntary/informal patient, i.e. agree to go without being sectioned, if she feels that ill again. She would get some help in there.

It doesn't come across as her being very keen to do anything to change the situation?

I know some depressed people get like that, but she should do all she can for the sake of your wellbeing and marriage etc.

She was actually willing to go to the doctor that time knowing full well that could be their decision so she has wanted help in the past, however the health visitor stepped in and said that her being sectioned wasn't necessary and that seemed to be enough for them to drop it, however it wasn't voluntary on her part. What she would have been like had they actually sectioned her I don't know.

My thoughts on her wanting help are that it's like she knows the bad patch will end eventually, but when she's going through it it's all consuming and mentally drains us both. She's asked for counselling before and did actually receive it, however it was a 5 minute phone call and solved nothing.

And what if I do leave, which I'm currently leaning towards and she does something really bad, she has said in the past me leaving would break her.

My thoughts on her wanting help are that it's like she knows the bad patch will end eventually, but when she's going through it it's all consuming and mentally drains us both.

So she should do something about it and see her GP. You could tell her you need her to for your sake because you don't like to see her ill, you want to see her well. Then she needs to comply and continue to comply with the treatment they prescribe.

She's asked for counselling before and did actually receive it, however it was a 5 minute phone call and solved nothing.

That isn't counselling, were you there to hear that happen? Either way that isn't a session, they tend to be of 50-60 minutes. It may have been an initial conversation. Didn't she follow it up? Did she say to them that she was ok or something?

And what if I do leave, which I'm currently leaning towards and she does something really bad, she has said in the past me leaving would break her.

It might mean she actually gets the help she needs. As it is, you are enabling her to carry on living this way. (It's easily done because we can think we're helping the person, but if they're not getting professional help with this level/duration of depression, we're not helping.) People can get it together surprisingly well when they have to. If she threatens anything then call the emergency services and they will take her to get help.

Some very good advice here. You shouldn't be dealing with this alone. Your partner requires professional help and medication. Please seek help for both of you. I'd recommend you also get some counselling as you need support too. Do you have any network of family or friends to take off any burdens such as babysitting, giving you an evening together to just be a couple?

Sorry for all you're going through. You sound a lovely and loving partner. Don't beat yourself up. You're bound to be worn down by all this. You need help too. Good luck.

Regardless of whether you stay together or not, her actions are down to her and her alone. You cannot stay in a relationship you are not happy in because you're holding yourself to ransom incase she kills herself (or she is threatening this, but I doubt that is the case?).

That being said really push the therapy (for both of you) before you make a final decision. It sounds like circumstance, not lack of love, are pulling you apart? And god knows what you have been through has challenged you both. I really hope you can pull through together, but if not it is not your responsibility to be the rock forever.

This is the way I'm trying to see things, that I'm not responsible for her actions if I put my happiness before keeping our relationship going. At her very lowest I believe she's capable of going through with it, she has a childhood history of suicide attempts but none as an adult.

She definitely needs some help, I still love her but I feel my own unhappiness is beginning to override that, hopefully it's something I come out of. As for some sort of therapy, I have no idea what her response will be to that being suggested.

You cannot take any responsibility for whether she kills herself or not. Everyone feels suicidal at times and I'd say that someone who voices that is far less likely to do it because if they wanted to, they would. If it was a "serious" attempt they wouldn't want to warn anyone and risk being stopped.

You will only know if you suggest it. You can sort out therapy for yourself first? Then encourage her to seek help. But the decision will be upto her. If her not seeking help is a dealbreaker for you: tell her.

Sorry I took so long to reply. Hope you've had a better week

So last night was another episode of my fiancé getting upset over me not wanting another baby and saying she wants to kill herself. Things seem to be moving towards something a bit more final in terms of our relationship now, we actually discussed the possibility of us breaking up and that conversation was started by her. I'm currently torn between what's best for me and what's best for the kids. I'm thinking of waiting until Christmas is out of the way so the kids can have a good time and then telling my fiancé I want out.

I don't know whether that is the right way to go about things or not but it's feels as though our relationship is on its last legs despite me and my fiancé wanting it to work. I'm still worried I won't find the courage to end things as I'll worried sick about what she'll do but I can't continue to be this unhappy forever.

Is she on medication?
Did she go see her GP ?
Did you or her contact any services re mental health ?

Nothing is going to get better unless she does the above

Went to the GP who said that it's not having a third baby that is causing her problems, no amount of medication can fix that and so they won't put her on anything. He mentioned counselling but there's a 6 month wait on that again and she is reluctant to talk to mental health services in case it gets passed on to social services.

In all honesty her bringing up us splitting up has made me think that's the way forward, the stress of life has got to the both of us for too long now and with no possibility of her getting what she wants (third baby) things are unlikely to get better and stay better.