Meaning of 'make the relationship less intense'

[namechange7890]

If you are in a relationship with someone and have been not getting along as well as you once did, and they say they want things to get better, be more fun and 'less intense' - what would you take from that?

I get the more fun, less arguing and drama, but what is the meaning of making the relationship less intense, does he not like me anymore? Or is it giving each other space. I am a bit confused.

@grapewine

Agree with PP. I'd take it to mean 'here for a good time, not a long time.' He wants the easy bits of a relationship.

I guess I can just try and be more like that and see how he is with me.. if he genuinely cares he will raise it I guess

It means back off - stop being so needy and give to the relationship rather than take - draining the other person so they say something like he said

What @Michaelbaubles said!!

@Anordinarymum

It means back off - stop being so needy and give to the relationship rather than take - draining the other person so they say something like he said

Wow - harsh!

@namechange7890 This is pretty much what was said.. it wasn't that I need to be less intense... it was that we both do, and need to stop jumping at each other about things.

Do you mind me asking how long you've been together? With me and my ex, this happened during a stressful period and about a year into our relationship when the 'honeymoon' period was over. I think there's often an adjustment period during that phase. In my experience, I think we had perhaps spent too much time together and just needed a bit of breathing space from each other to 'reconfigure'.

To all of you assuming I'm some mopey, needy, pathetic human being I'm not. I'm not suffocating him or declaring feelings that he hasn't done even more than myself.

In fact I have quite often gotten on with things and kept busy with family and friends and he has been needy towards me in those cases, and not just for sex.

Thank you for the posters that have given lovely and helpful advice, and to those assuming I'm desperate and chasing after someone who is showing no interest in me that isn't the case or I would have said that in the post, or written something totally different.

I just simply wondered if there was more hidden meaning behind what he said, and so many of you have reassured me that there most likely isn't. I'll just carry on doing my thing, not chasing anyone but not avoiding them either.

[quote WhatzTheCraic]@namechange7890 This is pretty much what was said.. it wasn't that I need to be less intense... it was that we both do, and need to stop jumping at each other about things.

Do you mind me asking how long you've been together? With me and my ex, this happened during a stressful period and about a year into our relationship when the 'honeymoon' period was over. I think there's often an adjustment period during that phase. In my experience, I think we had perhaps spent too much time together and just needed a bit of breathing space from each other to 'reconfigure'.[/quote]
We have been together a bit longer than a year. He also has things with his ex that are messy and I know doesn't need two women who blow up at him over silly things!

I think you are right, and we both haven't felt our best during this time and have had our own struggles.. we need to support each other rather than clash against each other which I think we have unintentionally been doing.

I think you've taken from this thread what you want to hear OP.

Some people have said that phrase and it meant one thing, others have said the same and meant something completely different. The person who said they made the same statement did so to a now ex, just wanted to point that out.

This is not a positive thing to say in a happy successful relationship and usually indicates more underlying issues, usually one person being unhappy and not able to fully articulate it. It doesn't sound to me like he's happy but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

is this man going through a divorce and has two kids?

I think once a man decides and declares it's too intense (whether it really is or not) he's looking to get out and nothing you do to modify your behaviour will change it.

What are you arguing about? I don’t think it’s normal or desirable to be arguing a lot this soon into a new relationship. You don’t live together, won’t have seen each other for months during lockdown, this should be the fun dating bit. It sounds very stressful to have so much conflict.

How long was he single before you got together? Is he definitely over her?

If it was me, I’d stop initiating contact. Wait for him to contact me but only see him if it fits. Don’t rearrange anything or chase. Book yourself up. Reconnect with friends. Have a busy diary. Don’t just open your legs to him though. You aren’t a booty call

Honestly I think some of these replies are designed to make you paranoid and aren’t really helpful. Funnily enough, not all men are using women for sex.

It sounds like you’re having lots of trivial arguments and analysing things too much. The fun part of a relationship is the spontaneity, just doing silly things and having fun, taking each other as you find them, not being grumpy etc. This often disappears when you’ve been together a while and probably causes lots of people to cheat or end a relationship, looking to have the fun and newness back. If you’re in a new relationship, you should be having this in abundance.

I don’t know what your arguments are about, but try to do things for fun, enjoy the simple pleasures, talk about lighthearted things and don’t analyse the why, what, who and where out of everything. Take comments as they are said and don’t look for hidden meaning. This can push people away and make them feel there is no point in saying and doing nice things - and then it becomes utterly miserable.

I guess I can just try and be more like that and see how he is with me

@namechange7890 You will be pretending to be/feel something you aren't for him though, putting on an act. Ideally, you shouldn't have to do that.

Why do you think the arguments are happening? What are they about?

@Rgy3250999

Honestly I think some of these replies are designed to make you paranoid and aren’t really helpful. Funnily enough, not all men are using women for sex.

It sounds like you’re having lots of trivial arguments and analysing things too much. The fun part of a relationship is the spontaneity, just doing silly things and having fun, taking each other as you find them, not being grumpy etc. This often disappears when you’ve been together a while and probably causes lots of people to cheat or end a relationship, looking to have the fun and newness back. If you’re in a new relationship, you should be having this in abundance.

I don’t know what your arguments are about, but try to do things for fun, enjoy the simple pleasures, talk about lighthearted things and don’t analyse the why, what, who and where out of everything. Take comments as they are said and don’t look for hidden meaning. This can push people away and make them feel there is no point in saying and doing nice things - and then it becomes utterly miserable.

You are right, thank you.

One of the things he said is I (we) need to stop analysing things so much. I already do the not initiating contact thing and he reaches out daily so I know it's not me chasing, it is a two way thing. We both get jealous or butt heads over exes or sometimes wrongly assume what the other means.

I wouldn't say I was needy, in fact I'd say he can be more than I am at times. I think we both need to get back to having fun but have both been incredibly stubborn and refusing to let silly things go.

I don't think people are trying to make you paranoid and that's a little dismissive of alternative points of view. Most relationships run through scripts (cheating script for example as quoted on here). There is nothing new under the sun let's face it. It's not a good sign if someone calls the relationship intense early on (less than a year) because it shows they are out for only the fun elements and not necessarily prepared to put up with any hard bits. This would suggest they are not looking for a long term serious relationship with all the ups and downs that entails.

OP you only seem to be responding to those who are posting what you want to hear.

Is he getting divorced or coming out of a long term relationship? you mentioned he had a difficult ex to deal with, which would suggest this is the case. You also said that he didn't want to be caught between two women. Does he have the commitment of kids and a ex to deal with?

f you are in a relationship with someone and have been not getting along as well as you once did, and they say they want things to get better, be more fun and 'less intense' - what would you take from that?

One of the things he said is I (we) need to stop analysing things so much

Yes he has kids with her but most certainly has no feelings for her.

I think I must say that I have also raised some issues with him, this isn't me batting my eyelids at him and him wanting to scale things back and me not standing up for myself. I came close to breaking it off in the past due to the silly arguments (jealousy on both sides that was stupid). This recent discussion was a two way thing and not something pushed at me, so to speak.

Today I have been getting a lot of affection and happiness now that we aren't fighting so that's why I am leaning towards the nicer posts I'm getting as I geniunely think they have hit the nail on the head with our situation.

It's not a healthy relationship.

Boundaries. If he wants to 'dial it back' bit you do not then the ONLY option is for you to completely remove yourself.

You are being manipulated. Emotionally normal people do not say this, as he has done to you.

Brace yourself, there may be another woman on the scene and he's keeping his options open.

All this fighting and drama, why are you wasting your time with this nonsense? If your relationship is this bad already, it's not going to get any better.

He just wants the fun bits of a relationship? Were you the OW?

Too intense - could just mean you are not on the same wavelength. I am quite laid back whereas I’ve dated men where they want to discuss our relationship and feelings and sentiments all the time - whereas I was quite happy to have things happen naturally etc. Neither is right or wrong really, just mismatched

Jealousy on both sides and frequent arguments... after a year? Months of which have presumably been seeing each other less due to covid restrictions. God I couldn't be arsed. A year in should be fun, not fighting and jealousy and anxiety.

Today I have been getting a lot of affection and happiness now that we aren't fighting so that's why I am leaning towards the nicer posts I'm getting as I geniunely think they have hit the nail on the head with our situation.

So now you're being nice to him he rewards you with affection but when you assert yourself you become 'intense' in his eyes. Can you not see a pattern forming here?

I'd think it meant, "I don't want this much hassle. I just want a casual relationship."