Im completely broken... Need to escape

[DocBob]

So long story,

I was a doc in a small hospital, met this nursing student on tinder let’s call her Jana. We got pregnant after a few weeks by accident. My contract finished and I moved to London for a new job.

Jana comes from a broken home in eastern Europe. Her mum is an alcoholic who left when she was small, her dad is not that supportive, he does not like the fact that I am not white but overall, he is ok.

Now doing the right thing, I moved Jana in with me, she put her studies on hold for a year while we had the baby, 6 months after the baby was born, she went back to school. I paid for everything, me and my mum managed the baby so Jana could go to school. I bought her a car and also moved to a new house close to her school, but later we had to move back to London as I could not find work.

I decided to give up my job training and became a contractor, my career does not progress but I reduced my working days to 3 days a week (Friday to Sunday) so I can take care of the baby during the week and I get paid very well so I could afford to support the 3 of us.

Form the start I could see something was not quite right with Jana, I came to understand later that Jana has EUPD / BPD.

3 years down the line my life has become a living hell, Jana is now a nurse. We have a wonderful little 2-year-old girl.

But the levels of abuse I have to put up with is simply unimaginable. I get accused of cheating most days, I come home from work at 1 am and sometimes until 3 or 4 am Jana is accusing me of cheating, I found a little café I like, but if I go there I am accused of going there because there is a blond women working there (I actually have not noticed). I have lost many friends, she somehow does not like most of the people around me for one reason or another.

She says my friend’s wife was a prostitute to get though uni, she is an ICU and anaesthetic consultant and all this because I was once on the phone giving her some advice and did not see Jana was calling me.

I can’t see one of my male friends who has been my friend for 30 years because he is a good-looking guy and she thinks we will go out picking up women or something.

My parents do a huge amount to help us, they drive 2 hours to pick up and drop of the baby any time we need. There is no limit to the number of days they will keep the baby if we need, because my dad is so fond of the baby (he was a very involved parent to us) Jana at one point started to say he may be sexually abusing the baby.

Jana has hit my a few times. In shock I called the police twice, Jana simply told me she will tell the police I hit her if I report it. Jana has been aggressive with the baby many times since she was born, I have called social services. They did nothing.
She lives in a flat I own, the only defence I have it to tell her she has to move out, but then she says I am abusing her by threating to kick her out.

Her mood changes within seconds, she may be ready to kill me min and then within a few min she is jumping on me kissing me. Its nuts.

I walk on eggshells all the time, I latterly cannot do anything without getting accused of cheating in some way. I took some takeaway food in for people at work. We bring in food for each other from time to time. I then get accusations.

We are on holiday, Jana likes to sunbathe, the baby sleeps for 3h in the afternoon so I took the baby to bed and sat in a dark room while she slept. I then get accused of going back to the room so I can text someone.
Once Jana came back to the room to sleep also so I thought I would go for a walk in the hotel to have a look around. I then get accused of wanting to leave so I can look at women, so I just sat on the balcony for 3 hours.

I used to be a confident fun guy; this has been slowly stolen from me.

In general Jana is good with the baby but if she has to take care of her for anything over 2 or 3 days things start to fall apart and she gets stressed. I do everything I can to protect the baby, I take her out and walk around the local parks and streets for half the day so that Jana has time to de stress and calm down.

Jana says this is my fault she is like this, because once 3 years ago a friend who I once had a drunken encounter with sent me a message because her dad had a stroke and asked me for advice. I responded with my advice but this somehow is held against me years down the line.

Jana has tracked down everyone I have dated and stalks them all on social media while I was made to delete all number and remove all the girls form my past on FB (I’m not in contact so I don’t really care).

I have had dirty underwear rubbed in my face because I was accused of pleasuring myself.

I almost lost my job because Jana stole some patient information from my bag so she could use it against me. I had to report this to my work.
I have lost work in the past because she does not like the fact that the agent who finds me work is a woman who I communicate with via sms.

Jana has had therapy which has been a huge improvement but still its bubbling in the background and I’m simply broken now.

She still drinks too much, her impulsive behaviour is much better.

I have asked her to move out, which I have done many times before. I am really trying to be strong and stick to it but really the only thing that is important is the baby. I am generally the main parent now and could drop to 2 day a week and still make very good money.

I can’t leave because I own the house and I can’t just kick her out.
Honestly, I don't cheat, I dont even want to.

As @GoldfishParade says - you need a plan. A very detailed diary of her behaviours towards you/your child, a papertrail in which you ask her to vacate your property/your child's home, perhaps even call Children's Services to ask for advice. Every time she's violent towards you or your child... call the police. They will help you (my daughter received her diagnosis because the police pushed for a MH assessment of her, following her lies to them concerning me and my son). You are going to have to be able to provide a papertrail of your fears, your concerns regarding her abuse of your child, the way in which she refuses to leave your child's home, if you want to stand any chance of maintaining full custody of your child. Speak to DV advisors, Children's Services, your GP and your child's HV. At the end of the day, because there's a child involved, this should fall into the safeguarding umbrella. Realistically, you already know all of this.

But yes. You need to get her out, and protect yourself from the fall out of her realising that you have boundaries, that you're reinforcing them for the sake of your child, and she can't get her own way. Please don't let her use your toddler as a weapon, or a tool to manipulate you. Children thrive when they have a happy homelife - and they don't when they have parents who're vicious (Jana) and walking on eggshells to try to keep the peace (you).

My daughter takes anti-psychotic medications to control her personality disorder - which is the only reason as to why she remains in my home - but her behaviours still leech out. She hates to be told "no", for example, and my son and I can both accurately predict how her reaction to a boundary being established will play out. I attend a support group for those affected by loved ones with personality disorders, which helps, and my son's school have been great with providing counselling for him, etc.. At the moment, your child is too young for school - but as they grow up, with their mother in their life to whatever extent (hopefully as NRP with access), they will need support outside of that which you and your parents can give them.

Talk to people. Because, believe me, there will be times when Jana will gaslight you to the extent that you start to question which way is up... But the main priority, right now, should be protecting your child, and then yourself from her tantrums.

You don’t ask her to leave, you tell her. Are you the baby’s main carer? So likely to keep her safe with you? Please remove this person from your home. She’s been aggressive with the baby multiple times, she should not have contact with her. When she kicks off, have the police remove her then change the locks.

Keep a detailed diary of all her behaviour. You poor thing, it sounds horrific. Priority is keeping your little one safe, everything else can wait or be sorted out once the baby is safe with you and in a different environment to her.

Were you in a relationship when you hooked up with her? You are not married, you did not intend to get married and you will not marry this woman, cut all ties asap. She might or might not get better, you will find normalcy. This situation is simply crazy. You should live apart and have quite a distance between you two even if you co-parent. You too have to heal a lot. Hope that you can mend yourself and have a healthy relationship. I hope that you can live peacefully with this person. I imagine that by now that you have ditched Tinder.

I know someone like this. This person is exceptionally attractive and yet blokes are always desparate to ditch her because she is a total headfuck. Start recording her, and seek some Male domestic abuse advice ASAP. You sound a very nice guy, way too nice to be stuck with this most unpleasant person

Protect your child.

Take her out of this shit show and leave.

Worry about everything that follows later.

The other thing you need to remind yourself - you’re a doctor, so I’m sure you know this... The longer your DD spends in the company of your wife, the greater the likelihood of her having the same psychological problems. While some people say that there are genetic links, most psychiatrists suggest that this is environmental or learned behaviour, as most people with consistent and good therapies can change this if they get onto it early enough. (Well and truly before the age of 30)

Good Lord,you and the child have to get out

Hi Bob I remember you telling us about her stealing your notes several months (or a year or more) ago. Why on earth are you still living this horrific way? Come on man. You're a doctor. You know you have a responsibility to your daughter to get her out of this situation, don't you?

@Haffdonga victims of the type of abuse that OP is experiencing find it extremely difficult to leave. It can take years after even realising that you're being abused to finally find the courage. I don't know about OP's particular mindset at this time, but if I had to guess I would think that he perhaps is worried about who would get full custody, or how Jana would react and subsequently what she would do in an attempt to destroy his life, or whether people would even believe that he's the victim in this situation. Not only is there already a general ignorance to the fact that men can be abused by women, but the worst part in my opinion is the so called 'Men's Rights Activists' who relentlessly attempt to point out 'double standards' regarding the gender of abuse victims, and the way they go about doing that means that a lot of people roll their eyes and call bullshit when any man asks for help.

On this site, there are regular MRAs that create fake posts, claiming that they are a man who is experiencing a type of abuse that a woman would normally face, in the hope that they would get appalling advice such as 'man up and get out of there' and then they can point and say 'you see!'. So even though I'm sure you have the best intentions, it's really damaging to suggest to OP that he should have been put of there ages ago. It just adds to the narrative of male victims of abuse being ignored.

OP

@SuckingDownDarjeeling I do actually agree with everything you've said.
@DocBob - I.m sorry I posted in haste and reading back what I said sounds like victim blaming. I hope you get the support you need and extricate yourself and your dd from this situation

I know I should have given up long ago. it’s been going on for ages.
My only hope was it would get better with her therapy. Which has helped hugely but it’s still there bubbling in the background. I now only get accused of being unfaithful every few days rather than a few times a day.

What is bothering me the most is that where is no understanding of what she has done over the last few years and I think she feels justified in her behaviour. I’m always told it’s my fault she is like this because I give her reasons to be suspicious.

I have asked her to move out several weeks ago, the problem is we are in a never ending cycle. Now she is being nice and wants to stay but in another week or 2 she will be back to square one.

Also part of what is bothering me is she is just go Toxic when it comes to my friends and their wives, she says such awful things to me about them.

@DocBob There's no cure for EUPD, although therapy can lessen the effects somewhat.

It's a dysfunction of the brain - like PD's generally - and unlike depression there's no magic pill to alter the brain chemistry to cure it. Although I know someone with EUPD and they do take anti-depressants. It doesn't cure the behaviours though.

@DocBob I don't want to throw advice at you that you've probably heard a million times before. But at the same time, there are some things that are just so clear from the outside, that the victim themselves can't see because of how entrenched they are in the particulars of their circumstances. So on that basis, I'll give you a few words of advice, in the hope that you haven't heard it all before and it might give you some strength.

Firstly, from now onwards (if you haven't already been doing so), make a note of every indiscretion. No matter how small you may think it is or how seriously you think somebody will take it. Writing down 'today she accused me of cheating' might not seem much on its own, but when you write it down every time it happens, a pattern will emerge and it will become controlling behaviour, as opposed to just a tiff.

Secondly, don't be afraid to call the police. You don't have to wait until she's brandishing a knife or threatening a life to call them. If she acts harmfully towards your child, mentally or physically, report it to the police. Again, you'll build up a much clearer picture of the types of things that are going on.

Lastly; if she threatens to take her own life, please remove yourself and your child from the situation. Go and stay with a friend or in a hotel. You aren't responsible for her safety, only that of your child, and you child should not be exposed to things like that. It's not your fault that it's been happening, but next time she ever says something along those lines, don't plead with her or try to stop her. It might be difficult, you might feel like an evil bastard, but take the important things from the house with you and leave the flat.

I feel a bit like a hypocrite writing all of this, because some of it is advice I should be taking myself. It's amazing how much clearer things are when you're on the outside looking in.

Keep yourself strong. Treat yourself to something, go on a day out with DC, remember to take breaks during the day, eat properly. You might feel like your life is falling apart sometimes, and doubt might creep in when you're being accused of all sorts. But you're a human being and you need to realise that you need safety and security just as much as your child does.

Thanks for the advice, I have been keeping records for the past year and half (after the first time I was hit and called the police).

Its strange but some how I do not remember the events after a few days, but its sad to look thought my notes to see exactly how often I am accused of cheating or some such. Its not that I have a bad memory, I see around 2500 patients per year and can probably remember details on many of them of prompted.

The more I read here the more I am convincing my self that I just have to let her go, to be honest if we did not have a child I would have run for the hills long ago.

"Its strange but some how I do not remember the events after a few days,"

It's strange, @DocBob - but our brains will blank bits out of our linear timelines in order to protect us. I can't remember lots of the abuse my daughter has levelled at me... and am often horrified when my friends or son remind me.

I also don't remember large parts of the 14 month relationship with the abusive individual who helped create my daughter - which is good, because the parts I do remember? Are bad enough.

Keep on with the recording of every time she says/does something that is abusive - verbally, emotionally, financially, physically. And please believe me when I say that the police are trained to recognise the actual abuser when they're called out to situations of DV. I'm very glad they are - otherwise I would have been imprisoned over my daughter's lies.

Its strange but some how I do not remember the events after a few days

Like PP said, I think this is our brain's way of protecting itself. I've felt exactly the same way. When you're in the thick of it, probably during an argument, you'll remember everything vividly. But tomorrow, if you were to talk to somebody face to face and say she's abusive, and the person asked 'in what way?', you would struggle to think of answers. You'd probably say things like "well she keeps accusing me of cheating. And there's lots of stuff she does I can barely list it. Sometimes she gets really angry". Then you'd believe that the person is doubting that you're telling the truth. So it's good that you're writing it down. Keep talking to us as well. I'm guessing between working and trying not to upset Jana by being on your phone, you can't post too often. But whenever you feel you can, please do

Yes I try not to read through my log as it’s just upsetting and stressful as I have pushed the memorise out of my head.

But truth be told for the last one week she has been much better.

I just feel she does not have any Insight into her actions

For example yesterday I took an extra shift at work as I have ah unexpected bill.

I left for work at 6 am and home 6:30 pm (7 to 5 shift) it’s a 1 to 1.5h drive to work.

Jana works 40 min walk from home or 15 min bus or 20 min drive. She finishes at 8:30 pm.

I got home at 6:30 pm took a shower and walked down to the high street to get us some dinner.

I get home again at 8:30 pm. To be honest I just needed a bit of a walk and some time to myself. I got a call from her saying she missed her bus and it’s 25 min until the next one.

Followed by a barrage of abuse as to why I did not come to pick her up after work. I offered to come and pick her up but again more abuse because she would have to wait 20 min for me to get there and I should have been there when she finished. I offered to call a taxi but still not enough so I said fine just take the bus which then followed a bunch a text messages with abuse. WTF LOL

Then later in the night she is asking why I went to sainsburys and asking if I went coffee in the place she does not like me going to (because of some women working there)

I have gotten to the point that I just feel sorry for her as her internal daemons must be driving her crazy.

Lawyer up.
Involve the police.
Go for full custody.

She may may be sick rather than evil but the effects are still the same. If you don’t force the issue, she will not get better.

What you absolutely MUST do is occupy the initiative by declaring yourself the victim and her the aggressor by going to a lawyer and the police. That will create an almost unshiftable perception was m the eyes of the authorities. If you let her go to the police on some made up charge, you WILL NOT be able to turn their perception around and then you will be in a Kafka-esque situation where you are accused of abuse and you will never get out of it, let alone get them to see the situation for what it is.

I just wanted to say not everyone with BPD is so violent and abusive. I don't want people reading this thread and think everyone with BPD is this extreme.

I hope you have found some comfort in MN and you have been able to step away from her.