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Relationships

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Original poster

Partners smoking....

25 replies

MaddKatt91 · 08/10/2020 15:58

Some advice please?

At the beginning of our relationship I told my partner that I wasnt interested in being with a smoker. He told me he would quit etc, and stupid me believed him... he did well for quite a few months. 2 years on, we now have a baby together - and other than his smoking were pretty happy (we have faught about his smoking since day 1).

But... recently he has found a lump in his chest, which has grown quite quickly within the last few weeks. He has a doctors appointment soon to get tested for cancer. Hes agreed to stop smoking when (hopefully) everything is okay and back to normal. But I know him, he hasnt been able to stop for the last 2.5 years, and if he is all clear he probably wont stop then either.

Now I have a family with this man, what can I do? I dont want me or our child watch the person we love kill themselves... especially as it's so avoidable. Obviously if he is very sick, I'm not leaving him. But if he isnt sick and somehow gets lucky but is an idiot and continues to smoke.... would you stick around, waiting for that day hes not so lucky. Eugh.....

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2020 16:02

Are you thinking of leaving him? Does he smoke in your home and/or around you and your baby?

If it was important to you the time for ultimatums was before getting serious and definitely before getting pregnant. He may have a wake up call now but if he’s all clear he might decide the risks to smoking aren’t that great, it’s hugely addictive and to be honest, he doesn’t want to quit or he’d have done so.

workshy44 · 08/10/2020 16:08

I'm not sure what you can do, you went out with and had a baby with him all while he smoked.
if you didn't want to date a smoker why did you? To be honest I'd end it if it is a deal breaker
No one ever stops by someone nagging them to quit, it seems to embolden them and it will just make you more and more resentful.
You either learn to live with it and hope he quits or end it.

Original poster

MaddKatt91 · 08/10/2020 16:13

No never smokes around us and never in the home. He does smell of it though when walking through the door.

At the beginning of our relationship I couldnt of made it clearer that I wasnt interested in a smoker. He agreed to quit, and for the first few months he was doing well... with a few slip ups here and there. So I was happy to have a family with him, he was doing well. Since pregnancy/ since having the little one, his smoking has increased a lot. If I had known he was going to progress to a daily smoker, I wouldn't of stayed around. Maybe I was naive, but I believed he was serious about quitting. Now I'm not sure whether him refusing to stop is a valid excuse for me to leave.... I dont want to leave him, I want to keep my family together. But I cant carry on with a smoker - for many reasons.

OP posts:

lifestooshort123 · 08/10/2020 16:15

So it would be OK to take your baby and leave him in case he should die of cancer in the future? So you'd deprive baby of his dad anyway! Get him to agree to ground rules about where and when he's not allowed to smoke and make it clear he needs to abide with them for your and the baby's health. He might surprise you and give up or he might get fed up with being nagged about it and jump ship. I hope his tests are all clear.

user1481840227 · 08/10/2020 16:29

He was a smoker when you met him so it was definitely stupid of you to believe him...although I don't think the word believe is the right one to use in this case, because he probably had great intentions but smoking is an addiction and it is extremely difficult to quit.

It would be like if you started dating an obese person who promised to quit overeating because you said you didn't want to date an obese person. They can have great intentions but unfortunately it doesn't always work out how they want or the way they promised!

Him refusing to quit is absolutely a valid excuse to leave, if it's a dealbreaker for you then it's a dealbreaker for you. However it won't be fair to paint him as the bad guy 'choosing cigarettes over his family' and so on so if you leave don't throw blame around if you want a healthy co-parenting relationship for your child.

Pelleas · 08/10/2020 16:34

I think when he promised to quit but didn't, that was the point at which you should have decided whether you wanted a long-term relationship and a child with a smoker.

You accepted that he hadn't actually given up, and still went on to have a child with him.

Of course, you are perfectly entitled to leave your partner for any reason under the sun, or even no reason, but I don't think he is to blame for the situation in which you now find yourself.

billy1966 · 08/10/2020 16:46

Unfortunately OP the time to have dealbreakers was before you had a child with a smoker.

He never really gave up, several months is nothing.

You are together 2.5 years with a child already and your partner is clearly a smoker.

If it was a deal breaker you wouldn't have stayed after the several months he briefly gave up, and you certainly wouldn't have had a baby with him.

I think smoking is disgusting, and couldn't be around the smell of a smoker, even if they didn't smoke in my presence.

That's a deal breaker.
You just can't and won't be around it.

I think to NOW break up over it is very harsh.

I think you need to give him time to see can he actually give up and support him because he has received very mixed messages from you.

I hope his scan turns out to be benign.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/10/2020 16:52

The smoking would have put me off from the get go. I couldn’t have even started dating him because the smell really gets to me. My DH smoked years before he met me. He’s never smoked whilst we’ve been together. He’d never hear the end of it if he started smoking again.

I hope his tests come back clear.

Original poster

MaddKatt91 · 08/10/2020 16:53

Thanks for all your thoughts guys.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/10/2020 16:58

At the beginning of our relationship I couldnt of made it clearer that I wasnt interested in a smoker.
That's not true OP, if it were, you would not have been interested in your DP. As it is, you are now in a relationship with a smoker. I understand that you are worried about his health, he probably is too, but he won't quit until he's ready. Knowing that, it is up to you whether you want to continue in a romantic relationship with the man he actually, rather than the one you want him to be.

Is his smoking the only issue that you have with him?

MeridianB · 08/10/2020 17:30

It’s really disappointing that he hasn’t tried harder for you and definitely for your baby. Has he tried gum, patches, vaping, NHS support etc? I would expect him to really try every avenue available because saying he just can’t give up is prioritising smoking above you and your child.

MeridianB · 08/10/2020 17:31

Also, I hope he washes and changes his clothes before handling your baby after he comes home.

Cantbreathe2020 · 08/10/2020 17:41

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

I hope his tests come back clear.

He’d never hear the end of it if he started smoking again

You sound lovely.

It's none of your business what your husband chooses to do, he's a human being who is able to make his own choices. He is not your property to control!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/10/2020 19:04

@Cantbreathe2020

No. He’s not my property but I love him and don’t want him to die from smoking. He knows I would be saying it because I love him. I would expect him to do the same for me.

DoWahDiddy · 08/10/2020 19:06

Vaping technology is really good these days, I switched 8 years ago and haven't touched a ciggy since. The switch was so easy. I hate being around smokers now! They say ex-smokers are the worst anti-smokers!

TheBlueStocking · 09/10/2020 08:41

Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances out there. It is going to be difficult for him to stop.

That said, he should stop.

Ultimately, it's not your decision whether he smokes or not. We hard as it is to watch him ruining his health, it's still his decision. But you can tell him you are worried about him.

I highly recommend getting him some 4mg nicotine gum and a vape. Both together is an excellent way to kill the craving for cigarettes.

vanillandhoney · 09/10/2020 09:19

If being with a non smoker is that important, why date him in the first place?

Alongwayfromeverything · 09/10/2020 12:41

Tell him to read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr.

It’s much better than patches, gum, vaping etc., which just perpetuate the addiction to nicotine.

Honestly, try it.

user1481840227 · 09/10/2020 14:29

[quote BeingATwatItsABingThing]@Cantbreathe2020

No. He’s not my property but I love him and don’t want him to die from smoking. He knows I would be saying it because I love him. I would expect him to do the same for me.

When either of us is properly ill for example, the other one won’t let it go until something is done about it. My DH forced me to go to the hospital when I was seriously ill a few years ago. I tried to say I would be fine. He didn’t let me hear the end of it until I went. I ended up being admitted for a week. It’s a sign of love, not control.[/quote]
Well that's perfectly normal for someones partner to insist they go to hospital when they are seriously ill . Even if they don't love them lol

But smoking etc. is different.......while some thing it's fine to lecture and make ultimatums about it they wouldn't dare to lecture about obesity or inactivity, which can cause just as many health problems in later life!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/10/2020 14:55

@user1481840227

My DH and I could both do with being healthier. We nag each other about eating properly too.

SoulofanAggron · 09/10/2020 15:41

At his age (30s?) god willing the lump is nothing major.

How strongly do you feel about the spoking?

they wouldn't dare to lecture about obesity or inactivity,

@user1481840227 I think people would actually. At least if a doctor had said the person needed to lose weight.

SoulofanAggron · 09/10/2020 15:41

*smoking

toiletpaper · 09/10/2020 15:50

I'm a smoker and it's incredibly hard to quit. When I've gotten into relationships they've known I smoke and if they didn't like it they knew where the door was. I've also quit for months (even a couple of years once) and it's so easy to fall back into it. I'd like to say a health scare would stop me from smoking but I honestly don't know if it would. Now is a stressful time for him and smoking is probably helping him deal with the stress so maybe now isn't the time for him to quit. Only he can do it when he's ready.

unmarkedbythat · 09/10/2020 16:12

The only thing that will get a smoker to quit is them deciding it is time. Being told it is disgusting, makes you smell, makes your teeth yellow, ages you, costs a fortune, looks gross, etc- won't work. Being shown graphic images and videos of people's tumours, amputations, coffins etc- won't work. Watching a loved one suffer and die horribly from a smoking related illness- won't work. Being threatened with ultimatums- won't work. Nothing will work unless the smoker decides for themself that they are ready to quit and will quit. And even then, it is hard. Failure rates are very high for a reason. You cannot shame, manipulate, cajole, reason someone into quitting smoking. Addiction doesn't work like that.

Now I'm not sure whether him refusing to stop is a valid excuse for me to leave.... I dont want to leave him, I want to keep my family together. But I cant carry on with a smoker - for many reasons.

It is pointless reminding you that you made the decision to remain and have a child with your partner whilst he was still smoking. Hindsight is always perfect. And I support anyone choosing to leave any relationship they are not happy with, whatever the reason. It's always OK to call an end to it and walk away, no one else needs to approve your decision. Any reason is valid. But I get the feeling you hope that saying to him "quit or lose me" will be the magic wand, the wake up call, the motivation he needs, and I think you're likely to be disappointed.

to you both, I hope his test results are good and that he makes the choice for himself to quit and is able to stick to it.

SoulofanAggron · 09/10/2020 17:53

Nothing will work unless the smoker decides for themself that they are ready to quit and will quit. And even then, it is hard. Failure rates are very high for a reason.

@unmarkedbythat They say/used to say 'don't give up giving up' -the person can get back on the wagon if they fall off, and eventually it should stick.

@MaddKatt91 I gave up a 40 a day habit years ago, using patches and gum. There are far more methods now. If I were him I'd throw every method at it. I don't know if it actually helps, but a lot of people try vaping to cut down the nicotine and wean themselves off. It is a bit dismissive of him to not be trying when he knows how much you dislike it. Maybe you could encourage him to after he gets the all clear (inshallah.)

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