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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling crushed at the fact my DP wants to keep hanging out with his STBXW

23 replies

Domainian · 08/10/2020 11:16

Backstory:
DP was married for around 10 years and then it ended (no affairs on either side but fertility issues where she really wanted a child and an almost non existent physical relationship after that due to her loss of libido, and he tended to drink a little too much and had a bit of a temper). Mutually they decided to divorce.

Fast forward, DP has now filed for divorce as it’s been the 2 yrs of separation require. They share a pet for whom she has primary custody and he lives nearby her so will walk to get dog etc. Throughout the separation period, he barely socialised with her and would only go to get dog (basically almost avoiding her)

Now, when they were doing separation docs, they spoke about past etc and as she has barely any friends etc was pushing to keep being friends forever with him. He’s one of these people who is nice and forgiving of everyone and never cuts people off so he agreed. She has a new partner too and they’re both aware that each other has a new partner.

When he told me he felt relieved that divorce was finally filled for, he mentioned he’d socialise with her (eg go around to her house where her new partner also lives) etc. And that crushed me.

Now, if he sees her in street or mutual friends party, no issues with him talking to her at all but to intentionally go and hang out with only her post divorce does upset me.

When I brought up the fact that I don’t see a serious relationship with someone who wants to do that, he got slightly annoyed but also said I was most important and he wouldn’t do it if it would bother me and it’s probably ‘hard for me to understand’...

That still made me feel bad as I think internally he wants to and also worried he might do it secretly. I don’t really feel worried anything will happen between them but also think it’s odd to continue to meet up with an ex socially on a 1:1 basis esp when they don’t have any kids etc. I’m glad they’re amicable with each other but this is a step too far IMO - leaves me with a bad gut feeling.

Me and DP been together nearly 2 yrs (met after they separated) and he’s been very public about me to her, his family etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Domainian · 08/10/2020 11:20

I think it’s also due to his personality. He’s not got the best self esteem and clings onto the past with most things like a security blanket, not just relationships

OP posts:

Original poster

Domainian · 08/10/2020 11:21

I’m also fine with him going to her place to collect their shared pet when she goes away

OP posts:

Original poster

Domainian · 08/10/2020 11:22

Where he’s likely to bump into her as it’s for a practical reason

OP posts:

Fressia123 · 08/10/2020 11:27

Haven't you posted about this before? I wouldn't feel comfortable BUT some people are more suited as friends than as couple. That's definitely the case with me and my exH.

Fortunategirl · 08/10/2020 11:31

I think friends is fine. I don’t see it as an issue personally. You sound very needy!

FourTeaFallOut · 08/10/2020 11:36

He drinks too much and has a temper and you don't trust him- is it worth the effort?

Techway · 08/10/2020 11:37

Does she ever go to his place and hang out with you?

I think if it's one sided, him always there then it will feel as if you are excluded. Assuming this was a friend& partner he was meeting, wouldn't you expect to meet and hang out at some stage as well?

She is either a friend that he will eventually share with you sometimes or an ex that you are excluded from.
However this could be a natural bonding that happens if you divorce amicably, both parties feel the need to check in an ensure the 'transaction' ends well.

TwentyViginti · 08/10/2020 11:38

The drinking and temper would worry me more.

Brieminewine · 08/10/2020 11:44

I think YABU. They were together 10 years, split amicably and both have new partners. If you force him to cut her off I think that could damage your relationship as it suggests you don’t trust him.

Original poster

Domainian · 08/10/2020 11:48

@Techway DP said he’d be more than happy to introduce her to me etc but I guess I’d rather just leave the past in the past especially when no kids are involved. No issues whatsoever him collecting their pet from her house to look after it, him being pleasant to her in street or him going to a mutual friends event despite knowing she may be there. I just find the idea of him going to her place just for her company forever more uncomfortable. It was fine if it was to sort of divorce etc but now that’s nearly done. I feel awkward about even raising it as he said he wouldn’t do it if I wouldn’t like it but not sure if he said that hoping I’d eventually be okay with it or do it without mentioning it to me but will I’ll come across pushy if I re open the convo I guess.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2020 11:49

Does he still “have a bit of a temper” and a drinking problem?

Are you maybe focussing on the reignited contact with his ex as other things are starting to bother you?

I’m not clear on the reason for him wanting to spend time with her? Surely the lack of sex didn’t help his self esteem, why spend time with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself?

I don’t think this is the man for you. Lots of cause for concern and life could be a lot less complicated and angst ridden.

Original poster

Domainian · 08/10/2020 12:02

I think he said by cutting her out, he’d be erasing the last decade of his life. I think there’s a middle ground between cutting someone out completely and maintaining a distance (ie not going around visiting but still saying hello in street, wishing happy birthday etc)

OP posts:

Spritesobright · 08/10/2020 12:19

I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner hanging out with his ex or going round for a catch up. One of them might get the wrong impression, have a moan about their new partner or just momentarily have some kind of emotional/sexual connection. After all, it was there once.
You've asked him to stop and he's agreed so I think that's good and problem solved. I wouldn't monitor it too closely though or go on about it. Try not to make it a bigger issue than it is.

Original poster

Domainian · 08/10/2020 12:26

@Spritesobright the reasons you’ve given are exactly why I’m uncomfortable with it. He even admitted, he’s always the type to only see the positives in the past and forget the negatives (not only with relationships but just life in general). He denies he would ever complain about me to her etc when I mentioned it but he’s told me she lightheartedly moans about her new partner to him).

Yeah I know I really shouldn’t probe it again with him but I guess the what if is niggling in my mind - what if he does it anyway or is secretly hoping I’ll warm to it later on etc. urgh I wish my mind would just go with the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ approach rather than the other way around!

OP posts:

Valleygirl27 · 08/10/2020 12:40

Your DP and his ex sound so similar to mine and my STBXH's situation that if a couple of the details were different I would have thought you were referring to us and our situation.
My XH and I had fertility issues and next to no sex life for a long time. We lost all sexual attraction for one another and eventually had to call it a day. We became more like best friends than husband and wife. Now we continue to stay in contact as friends, although during the separation phase this dwindled a bit as we rebuilt ourselves and our lives as individuals.
I get why they would want to stay friends and I also get exactly what your DP means about not wanting to lose the last 10years-my ex and I said the exact same thing to one another. I have friends who have divorced who have deleted all evidence of the period of their lives that they spent with their spouse, pretending like it never happened. When we split we spoke about how we didn't have a bad marriage, it just wasn't what a marriage should be. We had lots of good experiences together that we wanted to be able to look back on positively and not pretend they didn't happen just because we are no longer together.
I now have a new DP who is happy for me to stay on friendly terms with my ex. I live far away now so don't go for visits or anything and we are not in constant regular contact but we will occasionally check in on the other (I have our dog so he might check in on her or I'll ask about his dad who I adored and doesn't keep well) or phone the other for advice. This might be every couple of months or so. I would hate for my ex to have a new partner who worried about us still being friends, because we were more friends than husband and wife and there would be nothing more to it, our relationship is completely platonic and was so for a long time even before we separated.

I'm not sure if explaining my own situation from the other perspective would help at all, but I thought I would share it in case it does. It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about with your partner and his ex remains friends. They were a big part of each other's lives for a long time but they chose to end their marriage as it obviously wasn't right. It doesn't sound like they are keeping in touch out of jealousy/control /trying to prevent the other from moving on. They are just continuing platonically as friends.

MaryShelley1818 · 08/10/2020 13:13

My ex husband is one of my best friends (no children). We were married 10yrs and have loads in common.
I've been married to my current husband for almost 2yrs. We have a toddler DS and I'm due a little girl in January.

I still talk to my ex husband on the phone a couple of times a month. We text/WhatsApp and also occasionally meet up for tea - just a burger/pizza and soft drink after work somewhere.

DH is completely fine about it. In fact we're looking forward to attending my exes Wedding next year and his fiancee is absolutely lovely and also has no problem with us being good friends.

I would not accept a partner being needy and jealous about a genuine friendship.

Krampusasbabysitter · 08/10/2020 20:52

@MaryShelley1818

Spritesobright · 08/10/2020 23:04

Maybe I'm tainted because my ex cheated on me. He had a "best friend" he spent reassuring me it was just that. And it was for a while, until it wasn't.
I wish I had gone with my gut, put my foot down and told him I wasn't comfortable with their relationship.
Your feelings matter too!

Kay0ss · 08/10/2020 23:24

he tended to drink a little too much and had a bit of a temper

He’s one of these people who is nice and forgiving of everyone and never cuts people off so he agreed.

These two statements don't really add up to me OP. I'd be careful, you've added these reasons as an after thought to her libido. Why?

LilyWater · 09/10/2020 01:03

I think you should be more concerned about his temper...

GarlicSoup · 09/10/2020 01:15

@LilyWater

I think you should be more concerned about his temper...

^ This lots of red flags.

MsDogLady · 09/10/2020 03:56

OP, I commented on your other thread. You said that your P still likes his Ex and that

he openly compares the two of you. Posters agreed that this is a big red flag. He has always helped her out and gone around to fix things, which will continue, and he now wants to add social visiting. They still have keys to each other’s places. New information is that she is criticizing her new partner to your P, which is inappropriate.

I still submit that they are emotionally enmeshed, so an increased level of contact would be playing with fire. Have his alcohol and anger issues been addressed? There are too many red flags here, OP. I would move on.

TracyMosby · 09/10/2020 04:03

he tended to drink a little too much and had a bit of a temper That’s a massive issue, especially if you wanted children in your future, or have them already.

He’s one of these people who is nice and forgiving of everyone He had a ‘bit of a temper‘ and yet he is the one who is nice and forgiving?!

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