So angry with DH

[SoWhat21]

I’m not sure what to do next.
As briefly as possible. DH is very stressed with work at the moment. He also has OCD which is worse when he his stressed and is particularly triggered by kids creating a mess when doing something he perceives as careless or unthinking. Three kids youngest is 9.
Last night I was upstairs with kids. It was about 9ish and they were getting ready for bed. DH was downstairs in kitchen working. Youngest went down to get water. I was reading with one of the others and heard a crash. A couple of minutes later DH shouted for me. I went out to find youngest sitting on stairs with blood pouring from his foot. Crying, shaking and saying sorry. DD was with him no sign of DH. I established he had knocked the slow cooker pot off draining board while getting water and a shard had cut him. I went to kitchen to get first aid stuff and found DH cleaning up the broken pot. There was a trail of blood all downstairs into kitchen. He started ranting at me about how youngest never thinks, it’s always something with him and that there’s blood everywhere now! He then started shouting at DD for no reason. I told him it was unbelievable to me that our child was hurt, bleeding and scared and that all he cared about was the mess. Then I left the room.
I got DS fixed up. Despite the blood it was a small although quite deep cut on his toe and got them into bed.
About half an hour after I spoke to him DH came upstairs with a snack for DS and went into his room. He apologized to him then and spent a bit of time with him.
I went down after and told him though I was glad he apologized it was completely unacceptable and couldn’t happen again. That the children shouldn’t be impacted by his OCD and when they were hurt that should be the only concern. He admitted he’d been wrong but in a everyone makes mistakes type of way. I didn’t really say much else except that he also needed to apologize to DD. Which he did.
I went to bed early then (which he hates) but I was still so angry. And I still am. I don’t know whether I’m making too much of this? He seems to be angry with me to although I don’t know why probably displaced guilt or perhaps he knows I’m really mad and is just giving me space.

No advice, but sympathy. My late husband was like this, I'd worry so much about protecting the kids from his OCD. I thought about leaving him, even though I loved him very much, so the kids and I could be free and enjoy life.

He died unexpectedly age 35 so the choice was taken from me. I hate raising the kids without their dad but in some ways it is easier without all his endless rules. OCD is a horrible condition and makes sufferers incredibly selfish.

OP,

He is not taking responsibility.

You are correct in being appalled by his reaction.

What is he doing to actively try to control his behaviour?

I think you are underplaying the effect all of this has on yours and your childrens lives - why does he not like you going to bed early.

Why if he was in the kitchen did it happen in the first place. And the fact that he focused on the mess is awful

The incident with your children sounds very upsetting but I'm sure there are other people who are more experienced with OCD...

When you said that you went to bed early and "he hates that".... That just made me feel like you are living in a very controlled and smothering environment? Does it feel like that ? Regardless of everything else.... How much do you feel that you are free to do what you want within this relationship?

As a once off, I'd say the fact that he accepted responsibility, apologised etc is a good thing. But your anger suggests this isn't the first time?

Because if it was a once off, then frankly, you should let it go because yes, everyone makes mistakes.

If this is a consistent pattern where his behaviour massively impacts the children negatively then he needs to seek help.

I have a contamination OCD and it it invades almost every aspect of my life. To the extent that my mother was taken ill at family event and ended up going to hospital in an ambulance with a suspected TIA or heart problem. When I visited her in hospital I couldn't bring myself to touch her. My OCD was such an issue for me that I couldn't comfort her physically. It's not that I was unwilling or didn't care. Rather that I had a mental block where my rational mind and emotions were completely detached from one another and it made me inert.
However, I have never reacted that way with my children. My parental instincts seem to override my OCD. Has your DH had CBT or anything else to manage his OCD? I decided to do CBT for the sake of my children (my rules around hygiene and contamination are a complete hassle and I didn't want to inflict that on my DC). It wasn't a cure bit it definitely helped. That said, Covid has fed right in to my anxieties and I have regressed a bit in terms of rituals etc. Has Covid exacerbated your DH's anxieties? I would be patient with him, but he needs to be willing to try therapy as OCD is selfish and affects the entire family.

I am interested to know if your DH has a confirmed OCD diagnosis? I would say my DH has OCD traits, he is obsessive around clutter and mess and will spend times deep cleaning areas. It can create tension as he doesnt like kids being kids which is playing with there toys and making a mess. We resolved that by ensuring there isnt any kiddy clutter in one of the reception rooms and my DH sits in there. He gets told off if he wanders round pointing out mess etc.

He however would never ignore a bleeding DC and start shouting at there sibling. Your DH needs to sort out his work related stress as its creeping into family life. Anyone who could ignore there own DC who is distressed and bleeding whilst shouting at there sister needs to get some help. He sounds dreadful and I am surprised you were so passive during this altercation

Thanks for your replies everyone. DH does have a confirmed OCD diagnosis. It was undiagnosed for many years but was diagnosed about 12 years ago and he has improved in his management of it hugely in that time. Before diagnosis his struggle with it could lead to hours or even days long dark moods. These are nearly non existent now or very short lived (minutes) if they do occur. However he still gravitates very much towards routine and order. He’s not obsessive with cleanliness but he hates mess or clutter. Like poster above we resolved this with the kids with a playroom when they were younger and now their own bedrooms as well as shed we’ve converted to a games room. He expects kids to tidy up after themselves but rarely gets more than mildly irritated if they don’t. However he often gets annoyed when they break things or ‘do something stupid’ if that means a mess is made. For example he got really cross with DS earlier in the week for cleaning his football boots over a sink of dishes! It’s a stupid thing to do but he’s 9 and was just trying to keep his new boots clean. We’ve had words about his reaction to the breaking stuff before as I hate that the kids might be scared if they break a plate, I think you get enough of a fright yourself when it happens! This is the first time I’ve seen his OCD reaction overtake basic parenting though and that has really shocked and annoyed me.
I don’t believe I was particularly passive in this altercation. My focus was on DS. I made my point and got back to him there was nothing to be gained by continuing the conversation.
Finally on the going to bed early. It’s not a control thing. This more comes from his fondness for routine. During the week I spend a half hour with each of the kids before bed (reading, chatting, practicing guitar whatever) while he potters, cleans, works, watches tv. I finish with the kids about half 9 then have half an hour to myself as I am an introvert and need time to switch off and then we sit together for an hour in the evening have a chat or watch something. So it’s our time together and he doesn’t like to lose it (neither of us do). It’s a routine that works for both of us.

OP, when does your DH parent his children? I see from the above that you are the default parent (even though he is WFH??) - do you work from home or outside or are you a SAHM (not that this should mean you put the DC to bed, I would take it that both parents undertake this aspect of parenting if there is no long commute or night shifts or any other valid reason for a parent not to be present with their children.

This is the kind of thing that will stay with your son for life. It's so damaging.

It's really sad that your child was injured, upset, and being completed ignored by a parent who knew he was injured - and on top of that was apologising and frightened of his dad's reaction! This behaviour must have such a huge impact on the children for them to be worrying about his reaction when they're injured.

That's also such a nasty, cruel message to communicate to a child. That they can be injured and distressed but their parent won't give a toss and will punish them for it. "You're worthless" . "I don't care about you" .

It's emotional neglect and abuse. It doesn't matter whether or not he has a diagnosis - if he can't prevent himself from abusing his children he should not have contact with them.

Are you aware of the impact on a person's long term physical health if they spend their childhood walking on eggshells like you describe?

Chronic stress - elevated cortisol all the time - causes chronic physical illness.

Nevermind the mental health consequences.

It sounds like your husband can control his OCD but chose not to at this time? Why was that do you think? The two incidents you've mention both talk about only one of your children? Does your husband have a particularly difficult relationship with this child? And finally ... Why was your child cleaning his shoes at all? Without any advice or supervision I mean? I've been there and most nine year olds need cajoled into this? Is he trying to please his dad?

I don't like the sound of your husband to be honest. I can't believe he shouted about the mess of his sons blood while your son was bleeding and distressed. Would he have reacted like that to another adult? Say in the work environment?

@Annasgirl our children are old enough now that they can really put themselves to bed. I just choose to spend this time with them as it works for us. DH spends different time with them - taking them to and from sports training and matches and he also usually goes on a walk a week with each of them. I do a lot of the kids stuff as I work part time and am home earlier in the evenings (DH is rarely gone before 8) but putting them to bed is not really a parenting chore anymore in this house, when it was DH did his fair share.

@Judy78 DH spends a huge amount of effort keeping his OCD in check. In the main he is successful with this but occasionally he is not. I don’t think this is a deliberate choice I think it is a culmination and something tips him over. A particular tipping point will be what he sees as lack of care. There is no particular issue with our youngest and DH he is in fact very close to him and they get on very well. He is a bit younger and therefore a bit more of a messer and maybe more likely to provide a trigger point but in general it isn’t focused on him. They were brand new boots that he’d just got and worn for first time. I think he just wanted them to be clean. I’m sure the novelty of them will wear off and they’ll end up just as wrecked as the others he’s had!
It’s unlikely he’d have reacted like this in work as his OCD is not triggered by mess in the office. Equally an adult would be responsible for cleaning up if they broke something so his anxiety levels would not be effected by the need to clean up as they would when one of the children does it.

It sounds like your DH has worked hard to control his OCD and that he accepts that he made a mistake and apologised. So I'm inclined to let this one go to a certain extent. However, I do think it's worth making the point to him that while this case was extreme, there've been a few cases of him really being a bit over the top and perhaps he needs to seek specific help for managing his OCD in the context of the children because you feel they are starting to be nervous about making mistakes.

Your DH is suffering from a diagnosed mental health condition. If he was e.g. in a wheelchair and it prevented him from reaching one of your DC in time to prevent them getting hurt, would you still be as angry with him? Ultimately you made a choice to have three DC with a man who has an ongoing condition which you knew about all along and I think it's unfair to be angry with him unless he refuses treatment or won't apologise to the DC.

I would make it crystal clear in an age appropriate way to your DC about their dad's OCD and that his actions don't necessarily reflect on them or their behaviour.

He apologised. He accepted he was wrong and your DC will remember this.

I know how upset you feel and angry...but I think you handled the situation well. Hopefully, it won't happen again.

Good luck OP, I know that wouldn't be for me.

For what it's worth, I work with people with mental health conditions and I believe it should never be a free pass for stroppy behaviour. Glad he apologised, hope it doesn't happen more often.

Don't let the earlier poster minimize what happened-your little boy was bleeding profusely and your husband neglected him and made a conscious choice to bitch about the mess instead of parenting him. Yes OCD is a real diagnosis but your son was bleeding ffs! It doesn't sound like he's doing everything for his condition-is he on any medication? If a serious accident like this doesn't wake you or him up enough to be a catalyst for action then I don't know what will! It sounds like he's minimizing his apathy

I think SpaceOP has the right approach although I can see why it might be difficult to be that generous when you're as angry as you must (rightly) be right now. What he did was wrong and shocking but what matters now is what he does to ensure it doesn't happen again and that's what I would need to see in order for me to get over my anger in your shoes.