Online affair

[LlamaPjama]

I feel like a moron, please be patient. I have recently discovered that my partner has been dating a woman from another country.

Because it is over the internet I have tried to be understanding and think to myself/reason that he isnt being himself - but actually I am totally devastated. Has anyone else found out that their partner is having an affair online? Has your partner tried to say that it isnt real?

I'm so hurt.

An emotional affair is a massive betrayal of trust and would be a deal breaker for me.

How have you found out about this? What have you seen? Remember to grab evidence.

Why are you trying to be 'understanding'?

@TinHeartSolider

Because it is such a new thing, and he is trying to convince me that because it is online it "isnt real" but I still feel so sad and gross and stupid

Do you live with this man? Do you have any children with him?

He is trying to minimise his actions but, an emotional affair is a deceit. He has betrayed your trust.

He should be emotionally involved with you, forsaking all others.

What have you seen? What type of things is he saying?

Because it is such a new thing, and he is trying to convince me that because it is online it "isnt real" but I still feel so sad and gross and stupid

What's a new thing? Your relationship or his affair?

I'd be focusing more on how it made me feel than his excuses for it.

I bet his hard ons felt pretty real; his wanks felt pretty real.

I have a child with him, yes.

Well, he is not very subtle. Just told me about a new friend that he'd met online (fine!) Then every few days he would mention them so I started asking questions and then found out it was a woman.

They speak everyday, flirt and now chat on the phone because I walked into a room and he went really red and his eyes got all scared. I asked him about it, he just admitted straight away "we really like each other - but you know that online isnt real"

His affair is a new thing.

£They speak everyday, flirt and now chat on the phone because I walked into a room and he went really red and his eyes got all scared. I asked him about it, he just admitted straight away "we really like each other - but you know that online isnt real"*

My son has some online friends. People.on the other side of the world he has never met but has chatted and face times with for nearly 5 years. Are those friendships not real?

I had penfriends when I was younger, were those relationships not real?

Of course it's real, it's just not in person.

I also think it doesnt help that I googled online affairs before seeking the help of you fine people and some of the things on there ask "is cybersexing any different to porn" - so that's made my head feel like cotton wool. But it isnt just cybersex if they like each other, surely? (I understand that I'm coming across as very naive - I'm not, I just need someone to tell me to get real!)

An online affair is very different to porn (if you can rationalise that to yourself). He is interacting with an individual.

And there are feelings involved.

Why isn't he investing that time in flirting and developing his connection with you.

Inwould consider cybersex as much of an affair as meeting up once a week.

Lots of 'real' relationships involve a bit of cybersex now and again - esp during lockdown, if the relationship is long distance or a partner works away.

Is the relationship/sex not real at those times?

I am poly, and one of my partners has a relationship with someone who lives abroad. It’s a bit different, because they started the relationship ‘in real life’ when he was over there on placement, but that was five years ago. They see each other very rarely in person, but he would be very hurt if I labelled it ‘not a real relationship’.

Infidelity doesn’t have a solid definition - it’s for you as a couple to set your boundaries. If he feels embarrassed or is hiding it, that should be a good indication for him and you that he felt instinctively that he was breaking your relationship agreements.

WTF ... he is being openly unfaithful to you .. to your child together.. to your relationship.. his heart is elsewhere its not with you... 🌺

An affair is an affair regardless whether it is online or not. He's emotionally invested in another person yet minimising it because it's online. So he'd be ok if you done the same??

You need to watch he isn't being scammed op, as it'll be your money he's sending to her to "help her dog, kid, *elderly mother, ...'

OP - what do you want to do? How has your relationship been so far? What does he want? Is he happy in the relationship?

There are indeed many ways to look at these things. And what you are describing can be many things.
It is possible someone is scamming him. It is possible he and her are just bored people indulging in some fantasy. It is quite unlikely that any real ‘feelings’ can be there in a short period of time and over the Internet. People put up fake personas all the time and can be anyone on there.

So - depending on what you want to do - it’s quite possible to get through this. But the two of you need to put aside immediate emotions and start talking about your relationship, and what you both want from it and what is possibly missing.
Maybe relationship counselling is the way?

In this situation he should be remorseful and apologising to you for being so disrespectful, not telling you it 'isn't real'. If he truly believed he wasn't doing anything wrong why did he go red and look scared?

He's being blunt because you're currently allowing him to behave however he wants and he now thinks he can get away with it because you will be 'understanding'

You deserve better than this, OP, you really do

How are you OP?