Did you leave your long marriage with sneaking desire for someone (as yet unknown) new ...

[HaggisBurger]

Posted before about ongoing issues and uncertainty about whether to stay in my long marriage. Issues with my DH that are about his inability to meet my needs / how different we are in world view etc. But he’s essentially kind, trying hard to save the marriage and certainly not abusive etc.

A close friend said I should only leave if I am happy to be on my own for the rest of my life ...

Intellectually I know that’s true. I have just no idea id I’s meet someone new etc etc. I’m slim,
attractive, intelligent, funny & live in a large City - BUT I’m in my late 40s, don’t drink alcohol which can be off-putting to some men, maybe a lot of men ...and there seem to be infinite number of attractive single women in their 40s & 50s of higher calibre than the equivalent men 🤷‍♀️

Reading the OLD threads here puts the fear of God info me TBH - but I’d be very unlikely to meet someone new organically. But then as asides on threads on here about sexually arid marriages posters often refer to their long former marriages with men not interested in sex and their new, life transforming , hot chemistry LTRs.

But I guess what I’m saying is that in some ways, life with my husband might just about be better than being on my own tbh. So really what I am asking you for is a crystal ball 😬😬

I guess thoughts from anyone who did leave a “not great but not awful” marriage and ended up regretting it due the realities of single life.

Or the opposite too 🤞🏼

@myrtlehuckingfuge

As someone said above, leaving with the goal of finding another may set you up for a disappointment. Entirely right that you are thinking this out now without resorting to an exit affair (V bad ending especially if there are kids involvedtrust is required for good co-parenting). However, married was for many years 3/10 for me and single life, especially since current conditions are not that conducive to meeting someone, is more like 8 or 9/10. It's lovely looking out as mistress of all you survey, so to speak. I am looking to someone, if they come- I can definitely survive and thrive if they don'tto add to my life not complete it.

That’s a great approach. I know you’re right about being content on my own. You know, in many many ways I think I would be.

I was thinking last night - do I really really enjoy my DH’s company. No I don’t. At best it’s kind of dull - with the odd moment of humour (normally shared over the kids or pets). At worst he’s ranting on about Covid (I’ve got a whole thread about that ) or repeating himself or generally holding forth about something in a mansplaining way ...

I would more ask yourself if you feel your needs are being met @HaggisBurger

It might help to do a wheel of life type exercise? Then you can see how satisfied you are with all areas of your life. When my relationship was consistently staying down the rankings even when I addressed other areas, I knew...

Ah, @HaggisBurger you've got one of those? Yes, definitely a reason for the 3/10 marking. What had started out as charming Hugh Grant style 'waffling' turned into epic diatribes on the state of the country as he saw it and no humour unless poking fun at someone else. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

I have this too. DH is becoming more right wing as he gets older and I am going the other way which means, sometimes, I find that I don't like him very much.

He doesn't really "meet my needs" either but then I'm not sure that's the role of another person, it has to start with self.

However, he is a good friend, someone to go on holiday and attend events with. Quite apart from meeting another "one" I'm not sure I would find company. I have friends, but not friends who want to be keeping me company or entertained more than a handful of evenings a month. Very few who would sacrifice a day or a week with their families to go on a day trip or on holiday with me. I doubt life without him would be better.

Which I realise is a low bar but I can't imagine splitting the family would actually make me happier.

This thread is still on my mind and I'm feeling sad today. A programme about a band exh loves was on the radio this morning and it made me remember that we had a love of music in common. But he never let me share in his interests and was a music snob, preferring to do his hobbies alone. Part of the autism I know, but sad. I'm not sure he ever really loved me
Sorry, I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess there's never an ideal solution. Just one which hopefully causes least pain to all involved.

I remember you from another thread Misty, from last year which I was also on under another name. I am going through some painful emotions too reading this. I left my DP of 11 years at the beginning of this year after months of soul searching and the niggling feeling that this relationship just wasn't the right "fit".

It's hard to know, and of course the grass is not always greener. However, I just felt completely invisible in my life and had no idea who I was anymore. I can't blame DP entirely for that, but I had compromised an awful lot in the relationship and felt each time I became more and more transparent.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done and I still don't know whether it was right after 9 months. True, the pandemic means it's hard to go out and meet new people and re-build a life, but I am still hopeful one day the penny will drop and I'll be glad for my choices. I have been very passive in my life and this was the first time I took decisive action - despite taking 6 months to reach the conclusion.

I miss my old life, but I don't want to be back with my DP and that tells me I'm making progress. Sadness is normal, inevitable, but we have to keep moving forward. The only way I could have left that relationship was to realise that I may remain single for the rest of my life.

I guess there is no one answer. We all have to go with our gut and our intuition.

sorry, now I feel I am rambling. I guess just to add, being the one who leaves a relationship, I don't seem to get much "sympathy" from friends. This has surprised me somewhat - it seems the sympathy is reserved for the one who was "dumped" (what a horrible word).

On the plus side, I am learning and re-discovering my self again. I'm still single, but maybe I'll be open to dating again.

Not that I want any more competition, but I love, love, love being single and in my 40s. I love online dating. If I fancy a shag, I can get one tomorrow. If I fancy a chat, I can be flirting in minutes. And if I fancy a night in slobbing in my sofa in my pjs and big pants, then I do that. I think the order is this;
Top - very happily married and in love
Second - like me, enjoying being single with a bloke every now and again
Third - reasonably happily married
Fourth - single but would prefer a bloke
Fifth - unhappily married

@hexmeginny for you, it's a really hard decision to make. I left my long term bf before my exh and I remember getting very little sympathy - even though he'd cheated! It took me years of agonising iny marriage and, yes, sadness is completely normal and okay. I'm allowing it today (and taking the edge off with a glass of wine!). The approaching Christmas doesn't help and I remember finding last year really tough as I didn't really have anyone special, except dc, to buy for and be bought for etc. I think this Christmas will be hard for lots of people, but it's extra poignant for separated parents. I'm rambling now too! But hugs and wine to anyone going through this. It's a shitter.

As most have said, I would leave, but accept the reality that you may be single forever.

I'm leaving my 'D'P after 7 years due to broken promises about marriage. While I would love to get married one day, I'm not leaving to get married to someone else, if you see what I mean.

I'm leaving with the acceptance that DP does not want to marry me, but is quite happy in a cohabiting relationship, which isn't what I signed up for. The way I see it, when there a no/few positives left of the relationship, leaving it will free you of the negativity of living a half life.

I did. It took a very long time to come to that realisation but I was mid 30s, had settled down young and just knew that my H wasn't right for me. The feeling wasn't going away and I was just getting more down as time went on.

In the end I realised that you only get 1 life and I couldn't waste it being so unhappy with zero intimacy.

I was resigned to dating frogs and having no idea who I would come across but I knew I couldn't live my life in the way I was for potentially 40/50 years.

We split after months of conversations. I met someone unexpectedly right at the end. Set a date up with zero expectations of anything further than that date as all I wanted was someone who I was attracted to at that point.

Nearly 2 years on and we are very happy together. I never ever expected it and was resigned to single/dating crap men but needed to do that as my old life wasn't doing me any good.

I've never regretted it. Even if I had been single I wouldn't have regretted it. You only get one life and you should make the most of it. No one can ever know what's around the corner, good or bad.

Thanks to all who have commented.

It’s the endless ambivalence I am finding hard right now. I just kind of think - if I met my DH now and spent time with him would I like him. Would he be the type of person whose company I’d seek out. We are so different politically and in terms of interests.

I feel so flat at the moment. But I’m more and more thinking I’d much rather be on my own than with someone who doesn’t make be feel so unconnected. It’s such a strange idea that we can make a choice when we are 23 about who to be with for the rest of our lives (in my case). I just feel quite sad as the thought of unravelling it all seems momentous tbh