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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it too late to save us ?

20 replies

Forevermoaning · 07/10/2020 13:41

Please help with any advice !! I want to be able to save us I just don’t know how :( ( name changed )

I feel Terrible writing these things down but also like a weight has been lifted ,

Partner is 10 years older than me , been together 5 years, have a toddler , due to get married.

I work for a company 3 days per week , I then run my business on the other two days , some nights I don’t get to finish until around 8.30-9pm. I have a 2 year old toddler who fortunately goes to nursery during the day so I can work, I collect him at 4 then it full on with him, whilst I also try and finish work until he goes to bed .

On top of work and toddler life , I also;
Clean , cook , do all errands , do all shopping , manage finances , manage and organise christmases , birthdays and any family events , all laundry , make sure the house is in order - It’s tough.

My fiancé is a lovely man...

He works full time Monday to Friday 8-4 or sometimes a later shift of 11-7

BUT

He doesn’t take care of himself
Drinks every night
Always leaves his dirty washing for me to pick up
Has holes in pants And socks
Doesn’t make an effort for me physically the way he looks ( you would think he would considering we are due to get married ?)
Always in scruffy clothes after work
Doesn’t cook me dinner
Doesn’t do jobs around the house unless I have to ask and ask and ask
Sleeps in and doesn’t get stuff done
Moans how tired he is always
Sometimes acts very immature almost childlike
Still plays PS4 video games ( which is fine I guess)

On the other hand - whilst he does all of the above , he also CONSTANTLY tells me how beautiful I am, how much he is in love with me , how I can never leave him, how perfect I am etc etc ( but not in a nice romantic way, just as passing comments type thing )

He is the complete opposite at work in his job, he is doing exceptionally well actually , very proactive , very clever at what he does etc... I just don’t get the same back at home , and then above all of that, expects sex from me and huffs and puffs when I say no I’m tired, when in reality yes I’m knackered but The attraction isn’t there like is used to be.

We have just booked our wedding, I desperately want to be able to save us. How do I approach him without hurting him ? I’m not a bad person am I ? I feel terrible for saying these things.

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 07/10/2020 13:43

You're not a bad person OP.

Look at the list you've written. Do you want that for the rest of your life?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 07/10/2020 13:45

He isn't a lovely man..

hustler2020 · 07/10/2020 13:46

try couples therapy before you get married

category12 · 07/10/2020 13:49

What's actually lovely about him?

He says nice things, but that's it. No actions. I'd say nice things to you occasionally if you came round and waited on me and did everything round the house, if that's all it takes.

You need to put the wedding on hold and have a "come to Jesus" talk with him about his behaviour.

You'd be very foolish indeed to continue on your current path without some radical change on his part.

12309845653ghydrvj · 07/10/2020 13:49

I’m really confused about why with all this you would be booking a wedding?! What you have said essentially is that you maintain your relationship, he does his job and that’s it. That’s not good enough, you’re not his maid and why the hell would you accept this?

He needs to pull his weight, the only thing his is contributing to your life right now is finances.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2020 13:58

You are not a bad person at all but your boundaries, already skewed here, are further being messed up by this man.

You describe him as a lovely man. Why?. Would you want your DD to be with someone like this?. No you would not and you would want better for her too. Your comments do not at all paint him as a lovely man so I question why you wrote that of him. His comment about how you can never leave him comes across as a veiled threat more than anything else. You certainly cannot marry him now, well not unless you want a divorce to him under your belt.

DO NOT undertake couples counselling with him. If counselling is to be considered here at all then I would suggest you seek therapy for your own self.

Are you really only together now because of your child?.

Why do you want so desperately to save this?. And why is that down to you?. I ask this also as this is likely linked to your own childhood experiences. Did you see unhappy and emotionally unhealthy relationships as a child?.

Drinks every night?. I got as far as this and thought NO.

Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship with a man; to act as a skivvy to a lazy arse drunkard emotionally immature manchild?. Why do you think he is all you deserve?. Are you wanting to mother him or something; you're acting like another version of his mother here and you are also enabling him.

What did YOU learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this what you envisaged for your own self as an adult?. How did your relationship bar get this bloody low?. How did you arrive at such a low point in your life?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2020 13:59

And he does not care about you or for that matter his child either. If he did he would not treat you with such outright contempt. All he cares about is his own stupid self.

Wishimaywishimight · 07/10/2020 14:00

He sounds like a terrible waste of space as a boyfriend. I can't think of a single reason why you would marry him (All the "you're so beautiful, perfect" etc are just empty words. When you get married he will probable drop even these feeble attempts at keeping you on board as he will have tied you down.

BaconMassive · 07/10/2020 14:00

I guess it's about where you see yourself?

If you look in the mirror and see a massive doormat, then go ahead.

RantyAnty · 07/10/2020 14:00

He's been like this for 5 years. He won't change.
A lovely man wouldn't be a slovenly drunk happy to sit while you work yourself to the bone.

He may say he loves you but his actions don't show it.
This is who he is. If you're OK with him being exactly like this and never changing, go ahead and marry him.

I hope you'd want more than this disrespectful sit.

user13745865422563 · 07/10/2020 14:01

That is not what lovely means.

Maybe the fantasy version you have of him in your head is lovely, but the man he actually is is not.

I'm sorry.

user13745865422563 · 07/10/2020 14:03

It's not too late to save yourself.

And again the only "us" you can possibly be trying to "save" is a fantasy version of the relationship in your head. Unless by "save" you mean transform him into the fantasy man in your head that he's never been?

Save yourself. You can't change or fix other people.

Lobelia123 · 07/10/2020 14:07

What I get from your post, is that hes just stopped making an effort. He can make an effort at work, but seems to think youre 'in the bag' and he doesnt have to try too hard anymore. This is awful and sad to live with as it starts to eat away at your self esteem....and its not going to get better once its legal. I think you have so much invested in the relationship that its worth giving him a chance to step up and change; that requires some courage on your part to have a difficult and honest conversation. He probably wont like what he hears as hes very comfortable with the status quo. youlll have to figure out what it would take from both of you to salvage the romance and companionship in your relationship - have that clear in your mind as the standard you want to set, before you speak to him, so you can communicate it to him clearly. And then be prepared to assess things going forward AND, sadly, to walk away if it turns out that nothing changes, or that your feelings dont pick up. You have to be prepared to follow through if the worse case scenario becomes reality. I really feel for you, adulting sucks! Wishing you all the best xxx

Lozzerbmc · 07/10/2020 14:07

He doesnt sound lovely. If your friend posted the message what would you tell her... definitely dont get married!

peach1234 · 07/10/2020 14:11

OP I could've written your post we have such similar lives, I've got a 2 year old too snd been together 6 years except we're married and he doesn't want sex anymore...

Laurie01 · 07/10/2020 14:11

You both work full time, everything else like housework and childcare should be split 50/50. You need to speak to him and sort this before your wedding. Perhaps postpone the wedding. You should be treated as an equal. What happens when/if you have another child? More work for you. Just don't stand for it. Good luck x

HaggisBurger · 07/10/2020 14:13

So - his positives are essentially words. Words are cheap. In action, he’s a man-child (made all the worse by the fact that he actually has the capability to be proactive in non-work life but just chooses not to). Just, no. Don’t put up with that.

RaininSummer · 07/10/2020 14:24

My lovely nan would have said, 'handsome is, as handsome does'. Your chap doesn't show he cares. I would hold back on marrying him

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2020 14:27

He doesn't sound like marriage material to me

NiceandCalm · 07/10/2020 16:13

How do you approach him without hurting him? Seriously?
Re-read what you've written.
You're getting a lot of harsh responses because the only nice things you describe about him are just empty words.
By all means sit him down and tell him all you've told us, see how he reacts. That's a long list though. I'd put off the wedding unless things change dramatically.

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