WFH

[Manorbrook]

If you previously worked out of the home but now you work predominantly from home has the dynamic of your relationship changed?

For example- division of household chores and childcare? Have they remained the same or has the fact that you and/or your partner are now at home more meant that things have been divvied up differently?

I am struggling with this. DH is home all the time now but still expects me to do everything around the house and with the DC. He will sometimes take them to school but it is very much when he wants to and he won't do anything around the house Mon- Fri. I work too but have gone back to my office as I cannot stand working at home with him around.

I used to work 50% from home (I am part time, 5 days a week but shorter hours 9-4pm) but he has taken over the office so I can only work from my laptop on the dining table.

When I WFH I usually put a load of washing on or hang it out, start dinner or put the hoover round in my lunch break. DH will do none of this. He makes his lunch and leaves his plate on the side ( not in the dishwasher), for example.

I actually find him WFH more difficult as I have a 20 min each way commute so "lose" this time, plus my lunch break time to do chores. I also have to leave work on the dot to get the DC but he will leisurely continue working all evening - whilst I am doing housework, washing, food shopping etc.

He gets resentful that I do not work all evening. The way I see it, that is his choice. I am actually pretty bored and lonely. At least before he would get home at 7pm and then we would spend the evening together, he would put the hoover round most nights whilst I tidied the kitchen so we could sit down together - I think March was the last time that happened.

I don't know why I am finding it more difficult, I used to do all this anyway. I think the fact he is there raises my hopes that he might actually do something helpful and then I am disappointed when it all falls to me. Again.

For context: he is the main earner, he used to be out at work 7.30am -7pm and I know he is working more hours because there have been redundancies and he was trying to ensure he had a job but now he has two people's work to do. I know he is working hard for us all but I am finding it difficult.

Have you told him how you feel? I think you need to have an honest chat with him about it. You should be a team and it shouldn’t automatically fall to you to sort everything out at home, it’s his home too and they are his kids too. Could you perhaps work out a plan together?

Aa we say in Scotland

"Get him telt"

Translation : instruct him forthwith on his required duties and chores

@Welshgal85 I have tried but it seems to come out the wrong way! He accuses me of nagging or not understanding why he is working so hard when I really do. Like I say, he seems to think it is fine because I used to do everything anyway and I still get plenty of time to relax (I get about 1-1.5hrs a night if I go to bed at 10pm). Somehow it feels different because he is there and if he is there he should be sharing the load!

He honestly thinks he does his fair share and more than "most men".

I feel he picks and chooses what he wants to do - sometimes he will bath DC, other times he will ignore them all day. I preferred it when it was all just down to me, I knew where I stood and I had some time to myself. Now, I am never alone in the house but somehow very lonely

Also, before, because he left everything to me Mon- Fri at weekends he would kind of take over and do the cooking, bath DC etc whereas now he drops in and out and does things based on whether he feels like it - I have suggested a rota but he thinks that is silly, we are adults and can just work it out.

I should say he does get up with DC most mornings (6am) and quite a lot with our 3yr old who still wakes up most nights (probably more than I do!) and so he isn't all bad.

I guess my problem is that I am the default. I was before Mon- Fri and he was at weekends but it has all become muddied and I feel like I am the default all week whilst he picks and chooses what he will or won't do.
Eg cleaning - I used to do my own version of the organised mum method plus we had a cleaner. The cleaner didn't come back after lockdown and now DH doesn't want someone in the house when he is working - he said he would "help" except some weeks he does and other weeks he doesn't and when he does he will pick the jobs he wants to do and leaves the rest to me. I gave him the job of changing our bedsheets (it's a king size duvet and he has long arms!) but I don't think they have been changed for 3 weeks now.
Sorry, rant over.
Has this happened to anyone else? My friends all seem to love having their partner at home and their lives seem easier as a result.

He doesn't want a rota because then you'd actually be able to hold him accountable to doing anything around the house. He sounds really unhelpful

Tell him you need the cleaner back, there's no reason you can't have a cleaner whilst you're working from home

@Shoxfordian I suggested the rota when he complained about getting up with the DC - he still said no. It's funny, he is almost like a martyr about getting up with them in the night/ morning (he never used to) and thinks that this absolves him of any further responsibility.
It is often thrown in my face if I complain about anything.

The cleaner is an odd one - he never met the old cleaner and she worked for us for 7 years!
I got another via an agency and he said she made him uncomfortable
I think he just feels bad/ guilty that someone else is cleaning our house.
He also feels that he does his "fair share" and therefore we do not need one

Surely working from home means 'working', not hoovering, hanging washing out etc. - these are households chores to be done in your own time and not whilst being paid to do a job, that happens to be in your home environment.

I'm totally not disagreeing with the overall point of your post in that the household responsibilities should be shared between you and he definitely should be pulling his weight, I just thing it's wrong that anyone should be using works time to do their personal chores (which would apply to both you and your DH).

I realise i sound argumentative and I'm truly not trying to be. I'm just wondering if your DH sees it in a similar way to what I do, which may be why he doesn't do household stuff during the day? Of course he shouldn't then expect that you would either.

I posted a thread on AIBU about this today. This exact issue is now coming up for more and more people. I met a friend yesterday and she said she’d spent the morning crying out of frustration because her husband has announced he probably won’t ever go back to the office now. She’s devastated. She was just clinging on for him going back after Xmas. Basically my opinion is that a home is supposed to be that. Home not work not office. It’s not fair on the rest of the family. People aren’t supposed to be crammed together 24/7. Space is good. Your life has been turned on it’s head. Why should you now have to make all the adjustments. Get a cleaner back in. Tell her to avoid the study. Tell him to stay locked in his office when she’s there’s for the hours she is. It’s non negotiable or he will have to rent an office somewhere. This isn’t working so something has to change.

There's a Guardian article about similar yesterday,

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/06/divvy-up-chores-fairly-keep-arguments-single-issue-how-to-survive-being-cooped-up-with-your-partner?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

If he won't have a conversation, then to save your own sanity can you give pleasing yourself a good shot?

For a week just try doing what you want to - rather than what you think you should, or your "duty".

If your lonely in the evenings, stop looking to your dh and take up an interest of your own.

As you say, it's his choice to do what he is doing, why aren't you afforded the same privilege?

@Febo24 that article is a good one! So my advice about "do your own thing" is woefully pre-covid!

This is an old one but a goodie: washing-up

It sounds like you're in a bit of a no-win situation. He says he does more early mornings/wake ups, but a rota's a bad idea as you're grown up and can sort it out. Clearly not.

I don't really have much useful advice because my view on 50/50 chores is:

1. You live here
2. You live here
3. You live here
4. You fucking live here
5. Jesus Christ, you fucking live here

That article is good - thanks @Febo24
I like the idea of picking jobs out of a jar.

@SteelMack - I am not expecting him to do an hour's housework every day but everyone needs a break from a screen every now and then. On my old WFH days I would spend 10 mins putting a wash on and 10 mins of my lunch break preparing dinner for that evening - nothing major but small things that make life that little bit easier. He expects me to do those things on my WFH days but he won't even unload the dishwasher (or put anything in it either) on his.

We definitely need to set work boundaries, at the moment he just works continuously. I know part of it is because he is worried about redundancy (even though he escaped the chop last time) but it isn't healthy.

My hobbies have dwindled since lockdown and I am lacking in motivation at the moment, in the summer I went out for lots of walks and met with friends in gardens but it isn't appealing at the moment (I suffer with SAD which doesn't help).

I am now thinking about putting an "office" in the garden if he doesn't go back in early 2021 - we were planning a loft conversion pre Covid to get a spare room with en suite for my MIL as she used to stay with us regularly but now I am thinking that a separate annex at end of the garden might be better so that he has some separation between work and home. They can be really pricey though!

WFH has worked perfectly for us on the whole.

I was doing it anyway so most of the childcare responsibilities fell to me as my husband was out of the house 7-7 due to an almost hour and half commute each way.
So now he’s able to drop the kids to school twice a week, he can potter a bit on his lunch or run the vacuum. I do all the pick ups and kids activities.

DH has always been hands on where he can though it just means he’d able to do more now.

Saying that I do feel a bit like we’re living in each others pockets as I suppose we now work together too, so tension has increased in that sense as we don’t get a break from eachother but I work 4 days so on my day off I make sure I’m not home and do things for myself.

We’re also saving a fortune in commuting costs x

He sounds really selfish OP.

He is determined to do the least he can to contribute to house and home.

I would stop doing ANYTHING for him.
Anything that benefits him.

He does nothing for you or tge children.
Stop including him in your shop.
Laundry.

Start looking at doing something outside the house....like a walk with a friend etc on a couple of evenings. Leave him to it.

He's a bit of a bully too that he won't discuss it without getting annoyed.

Men like him are shit husbands.

Very hard to stay in love with them.

Mind yourself.