Best strategy to divorce a narcissist

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

I know everyone’s case is different but I’m so overwhelmed of where to start. I don’t have much money so I know the sensible thing would be to go down the mediation route. However I really can’t see DH co operating as he is very controlling, obsessed with our house and verbally abusive. I will give it a go but I know I will need to have solicitor all ready to go as a back up. The thought of spending thousands on solicitor fees is making me feel ill. How do people actually afford divorce, can you get legal aid and what are your tips for best way to divorce a narcissist?

I know this sounds counter intuitive but I got an expensive, experienced solicitor.

He recognised it meant I'd take no shit, we settled quickly and it worked out cheaper overall.

Carly - I like your style! The problem is he knows I don’t have much money (and he has more than me plus a very wealthy cousin)

@thebeachismyhappyplace2 I’m in an almost identical position to you. I have a solicitor and we are going through the process of divorcing but he CONSTANTLY try’s to wear me down/get me to agree to his demands. I have to keep repeating...I am not negotiating with you, it will be done through solicitor/mediation. I also am pretty certain mediation won’t work as there is no way he will give me a single penny. He also loves his house more than anything in the world, I am dreading if he has to sell as I know it will be complete hell. He thinks he should be able to live in a 6 bedroom house with a tiny mortgage and I should go to a tiny 3 bed in a rough area with a mortgage! He is currently compiling a speadsheet of every penny he has spent during our entire marriage and is obsessed by who paid for what, we’ve been together 18 years and two kids. I gave up my career to look after them and he doesn’t realise it doesn’t actually matter who paid for stuff! Finding the money for the solicitors fees is really tough, especially as he is getting his solicitor to write to me about all sorts of stuff which mine is having to respond to pushing the costs up. He’s got all of the money. I think you can ask most solicitors for a payment plan.

All I can say is stick to your guns and know your worth. Whatever you do, do not settle. You are protected by the law and should get what you are entitled to.

No advice on the legal part but I've separated from a narcissist and keep in mind that they'll try to keep control over you in some way. In my case, my head was repeatedly slammed against the front door by him as he refused to let me leave with the dog. I got my dog back after his parents stepped in because they were afraid I would get the police involved.
After I got out he tried to hoover me back in by threatening me with legal action because he believed a part of the insurance claim money I had received as compensation for damage on MY stuff earlier that year belonged to him. I told him to fuck off and reminded him that I still could go to the police. Then he backed off.

The narcissist only respects 1 thing: someone who is stronger then he is.
Do not show any weakness and make sure you collect evidence of any misbehavior.

Don’t bother with mediation. It will be exhausting and fruitless as he won’t engage other than in trying to control it to get what he wants. Get a lawyer and let them deal with it. Don’t engage with him - every communication from him just say, speak to my lawyer. Every time. Block him and ignore - it’s the only way or he will keep trying to control things, and you. Good luck op - I have been there and now out the other side and happy - it’s worth it.

Remember that you are likely to be entitled to half of all marital assets, 50/50 is the starting point. So the money is there for you to have decent representation, you just don't have it yet. You just need to find one who's prepared to wait for the final settlement to cover most of the bill.

There are lists online of the paperwork you need to take to the appointment, it makes it quicker and therefore cheaper for the solicitor if you have everything together in an organised fashion. Get all your financial paperwork copied, make an index of your numbered copies. This will save the solicitor time and keep the bill down. Also, resist the urge to vent in your appointments, stick to the practicalities of the divorce.

How long have you been married OP? Assuming its a while he actually doesn't have more money than you, the assets from your marriage are joint. As @MyOwnSummer said if there is money within the marriage the starting point is that it belongs to you both 50/50, you just don't have access to your share yet and will need to find a solicitor that is understanding of your situation. Ask around and try and get recommendations if you can. Mediation is probably a waste of time with someone like that, the way to handle it is to get your game face on and show no emotion or weakness- stick strictly to the business at hand. In all likelihood when you start behaving like this he will call you a heartless b*tch, but that's just him being annoyed that he can't push your buttons emotionally- take it as a complement! Make sure you have your paperwork super organised (get photocopies or scans of EVERYTHING) so that you're not paying your solicitor to sift through piles of paperwork, and don't use your solicitors appointments to vent. In fact, what I'd strongly advise is that you book some counselling; you've been through a lot already, and it'll be cheaper, more effective, and will help give you some fantastic coping tools whilst you're going through this. You say you don't have much money at the moment but some counsellors work with a 'pay what you can afford' model when people are going through tumultuous life events such as this. Use your counsellor to process the emotional turmoil so that your solicitor's appointments can be 100% productive. You've got this, and we're here for you

I'd also recommend not bothering with the mediation, because it's just going to make the whole process longer and more drawn out.

Let him make all the spreadsheets he wants, it doesn't matter who paid for what , you are entitled to 50%, and he will try to get a better lawyer so he can try to get more for himself, so I'd advise you to get the best lawyer who will be happy to wait for your settlement before getting paid (it's not an unusual situation where the wife has no cash because she gave up work etc).

Try to check up on what to take to lawyer appointments (financial paperwork etc) so that you get the most out of every appointment with the lowest cost to you) and refuse to discuss anything with your ExH, just say ''Talk to my lawyer'' each and every time.

If you think your DH will try to hide money/ investments/pensions etc, it may be worth hiring a forensic accountant too, so that all his finances are split properly.

Wow some amazing advice on here . Thank you! I didn’t realise some solicitors are happy to accept payment after you sell the house. That’s good to know. I found a solicitor who came highly recommend a few months ago, he’s supposed to be pretty ruthless and gets results so this is what I need. However I’m not sure if he would be happy with this payment arrangement so I’ll have to find out before I get him to do the petition. I had a consultation with him just before lockdown (as this is something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while). At what point after asking the solicitor to get the ball rolling did you drop the bombshell on dh?

Hi @thebeachismyhappyplace2 I've been watching the thread for a while. I'm about to tell my solicitor to start the ball rolling. Have you actually started yet?

I need all the advice I can get as my ex is just like yours. Seeing if you get any more comments on here?!!