Husband drinks all the time

[Klh86]

I feel I am starting to fall out Of love with my husband. He goes to the pub every night walking in at the kids bedtime. Says he had a long day but he s been in the pub since lunch. Says he s been thinking about us all day yet he never picks the kid up and prefers to leave her in after school club till I get there at 5.30 whilst he sits in the pub. Never takes her to clubs or anything. He suffers from PTSD but the way he speaks to her is disgusting. He s missed her nativity, parents evening for last 4 years and parent shows at clubs as he claims he forgot and was in the pub. I feel I can’t divorce him as I can’t support her emotionally if she was alone with him. I feel we come second. He does nothing around the house, friends stop coming round and tell me it cos everytime we try to do family things he wants to drink. He messaged women he used to know saying highly inappropriate stuff. Just don’t know what to do as I can’t let him damage her by being alone with him. Just needed to write this down as every day I feel more and more distant from him

Of course you can divorce him, and you should. The damage being done to your daughter by being raised with an alcoholic father will haunt her for the rest of her life. As her mother, you can't allow this.

Is he likely to want to see her if he’s always in the pub? I can’t see him doing his share if he can’t even make the nativity.

That sucks. I am sorry you are going through this. If it was me I would go for an ultimatum. Get help or get out. He must be spending a fortune and costing you money by not doing childcare when he could be.

If you choose to separate, If DD is old enough she can say she doesn't want to have contact. If not you can insist on supervised contact. Keep a diary of all the things you have asked him to do that he refuses. All the hours he has been in the pub and anything else that is relevant. This can be used to show he is currently unfit to have unsupervised contact.

You can leave him and refuse any contact forcing him to go through the court. He is obviously an alcoholic and probably not interested in caring for his child either with or without you.

Why would she be alone with him if you divorced him? Going by what you have written, I doubt that he would, legally, be granted access unless accompanied. When you are in the midst of it it is difficult to see the wood for the trees, but telling you that i wish I had left my alcoholic husband years before he died, is so true. Good Luck.

Leave him....please, even try a temp separation to give him the opportunity to change. Likely that he will not want anything to do with DD. If he does, start with short periods, no overnight stays to build up your trust.

but the way he speaks to her is disgusting.

YOU need to stop this vile monster abusing your child. They have done enough emotional damage already and with him gone you will still have a full time job to turn this around.

Currently you are facilitating the abuse of your DC. You have to take sole responsibility to ensure they are not exposed to this emotional violence ever again.

I understand your worry about him having her alone - but if it get him gone and then don’t agree to access he will have to go to court which he won’t follow through. Even if he does you can prove he is unfit and unsafe. And even if he wins access he won’t follow through because drinking / being hungover is a full time job.

I have sympathy for his PTSD and accept that it is likely the root of his alcoholism which in turn leads him to behave abusively to your DC. This might explain a series of events but it never excuses abuse.

Front and centre is your vulnerable DC. Prioritise getting them safe.

He won't make the effort to see her anyway, you know that. he will spend even more time in the pub if you leave him. Don't use that as excuse, your daughter is already being damaged living like this. Show her what a strong woman can be.

Divorce him and be free.
He won't want to spend time with her. He doesn't now.
Your lives will be better in every way without him in it.

It's really damaging for your dd to grow up in this environment.

OP, I’m so sorry you are living with this.

There are plenty of us on here who have lived with an alcoholic and understand exactly the fear of being forced to hand over our children to an alcoholic and so remaining trapped instead. Please, don’t fall into that -it is a trap!

You CAN leave (or more to the point, get him to leave). Please speak to some solicitors. Many will speak to you on the phone initially for no charge. You need a family law solicitor with experience of alcohol abuse/addiction. The courts take accusations of alcohol abuse very seriously and will not dismiss your claims. If he denies the problem, they can force him to have testing, which can detect use over several months (not at all like a breathalyser, which only captures use in that moment).

You will be able to protect your DD in so many ways if you leave. What she is seeing now will already be damaging her. Please check out Nacoa for advice about how this is affecting her.

Have you got some support for yourself? You’re in a tough situation and most/all partners of alcoholics get very ground down by it. Have you considered Alanon for some support?

Best of luck!

Also, OP, please talk to your DD’s school and explain the situation. They will be very supportive if you are taking the right action.

You must not leave your DD in his care or let him drive her. Being able to show you have taken these steps will help demonstrate he is not capable of looking after her (which he isn’t, much though you might wish he was).

You are not doing your daughter any favours by staying with an alcoholic. Get yourself a support network - try Al Anon for advice - and go and speak to a solicitor. Unless he addresses his problematic drinking, he won't be able to see his child unsupervised anyway.
Please separate from this man for your daughter's sake if not your own.

You can leave, OP. My dad was that man. At 8 years old I knew the phone numbers and landlords of all the local pubs by heart, as I very often (most week days) needed to phone around and find him to ask him to come home and cook me dinner. My mum told us she tried to leave but didn't have the strength until I was older and the family were nearly bankrupt. It hasn't had any long term impacts on me, thankfully, but I don't have many happy childhood memories at all and I really wish she'd left earlier.

You can leave. I did. I had four kids with him and his drinking was a huge issue. You don’t have to leave her with him. IF he wants to see her and this is a huge IF he can do it in a contact centre. Plus they won’t allow him in if he turns up pissed. Please get rid of him. All your lives are being ruined by him

I think i may be breaking Mumsnet rules here but apologies if i am.

This is to say thank you to all the ladies who have messaged to give this lady encouragement and, possibly, the courage to leave. Sometimes, it is difficult to make such a large decision and the sensible and kind words posted this evening may help her more than we shall ever know.

A man like this won't bother with contact.

Divorce him.

Speaking as the daughter of an alcoholic you're doing more harm to her by staying with him.

@Graphista

A man like this won't bother with contact.

Divorce him.

Speaking as the daughter of an alcoholic you're doing more harm to her by staying with him.

This. He won't be bothered enough to pursue seeing her alone. Please don't let him continue to speak to her like shit. I could cry for her. The longer you stay with him the more you are reinforcing this relationship modelling so the more likely she is to end up in this kind of relationship and tolerate being verbally abused, like she is now by her own father. He is doing so much damage. Please leave for her sake if not yours.

"I feel I can’t divorce him as I can’t support her emotionally if she was alone with him"

Its really no reason at all to not divorce him. And more to the point by remaining emotionally preoccupied and otherwise emotionally spent by your alcoholic you are not fully available to her either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

When has your DD ever been alone with him?. Probably never and certainly not recently so your fears here are really unfounded. A man who has not really been in her life, talks to her disgustingly and puts drink first and foremost is not suddenly going to morph into Disney Dad. He may well threaten you with wanting 50-50 or taking DD away to "punish" you further but his primary relationship is with drink and that to him comes first.

You can and actually should divorce him; you are also showing her that currently at least, his treatment of you is still acceptable to you.
This is no legacy to leave her OP it really is not. You are indeed doing more harm to yourself and in turn your DD here by staying with him for what are really your own reasons, nothing to do with her.

Your own recovery from his abuse of you and in turn DD will only properly start as well when you have fully extricated yourself from him. Until then you will remain on that merry go around.

Are you really afraid that you can’t protect your DD when she’s alone in the company of your H or are you scared he won’t want anything to with her and you can’t keep up the pretence that he cares?

Staying with this man will do more harm then good, your dysfunctional marriage will be her relationship role model. Don’t waste more of her childhood pretending.