Relationship issues - don't know what to do

[AmyC40]

My DH and I have been together for 8 years. There have been ups and downs particularly recently which i just don't know what to do about.

Main issues are:

1. he has accumulated £40 000 worth of debt. I knew he had some debt but not this extent despite me regularly asking him how his finances were (we have separate bank accounts, thank goodness) He has now set up a debt repayment plan for 6 years - all this was set up without any discussion with me or how it will impact on our future (our children from previous relationships will be grown up and flown the nest in a year of 2 so we were hoping to buy a caravan etc. but unlikely now)
2. When we have friends round, he can be really pleasant with them. As soon as they go, he is ok with me but quite nasty in how he speaks to my DD who is 17 (this is always when he thinks i am out of ear shot). When I pull him up on this he blames it on his anti-depressants.
3. He does nothing round the house unless I ask / nag
4. The minute my DD and I sit and chat or do some cooking together, he has to be there listening in and joining in our conversation to the point where it makes it really awkward for me and DD to do anything together.
5. He openly lies e.g. he bought a new phone prior to his debt plan - cost £800!!! Told me, he was given it as a work phone and still continued to deny he bought it after I said I had seen the invoice.
6. Bailed him out on a number of occasions with money to pay for maintenance for his daughter / her birthday presents etc. (I have never met his daughter and never will otherwise I would have been more than willing to contribute).
7. He is constantly clingy - if I don't answer a text, he will email me with the email going to both my work account and personal account. If I try and suggest going to shops, he will try and invite himself.
8. I pay more of the household bills - partly because I get maintenance for my DD so it is only fair but also because he can't afford it (we earn the same).

I know me and my DD are very close (he is her step-dad) and this may have pushed him away. However I just constantly feel smothered but if we were to split up, I would feel incredibly guilty as he lost his relationship with his children / marriage to be with me.

Just don't know what to do....

Do you feel you owe this awful man a relationship because you had an affair? This is one of the (many) reasons why affair relationships are a terrible idea. You don't by the way. He's awful and you need to ditch him ASAP, it couldn't be more obvious.

Why on earth are you with him? Just one of those things would be a dealbreaker for me. He has no respect for you, your daughter, the truth, your relationship or your finances. What is your question here?

Oh and depending the circumstances you might now have 20 k in debt. His ex wife is the winner here.

@Lobelia123

Its a messy situation and your guilt and confusion come across so clearly. I would just say to you, it doesnt help to compound one mistake with others. Theres always the chance to step away and change your life and the direction its going in. The only person(s) you owe anything to, are yourself and your daughter. All the best! Life is too short to be so unhappy and troubled, and he sounds like he doesnt deserve your love or respect.

Yes, this.

You've given it more than your best shot, and what have you got in return? You didn't owe him a relationship when he turned up at your door, although I can see how difficult if would have been to turn him away. You certainly don't owe him anything more now.

But if you are married, you need to check out whether you could be liable for some of his debt. If he can show that you have benefited from it, you might find yourself jointly responsible. I wouldn't stay because of that, as who is to say how much worse if could get, but something to be aware of.

I agree that she has complete responsibility for her own actions Category but she’s not now obliged to put up with him because he left his wife for her or fucked up his relationship with his kids - I know you’re not saying she does and I think everyone agrees it’s a toxic mess and she and her daughter would be better off without him

He sounds like he takes a chronic lack of responsibility for his shoddy behaviour - cheating, housing himself, running up debts etc - and therefore it’s important OP doesn’t take on too much to compensate.

There are no positives here, don’t feel
obliged to stay with him.
He is never going to be debt free, he won’t change, he doesn’t need to he’s got you supporting him.
The way he treats your DD would be my first reason to get rid.
Face it, there’s no future, he a liar, a bully, controlling and manipulative.
Time for ➡️🗑

I had a similar situation with my exH .. ran up £100k of debt over 10 years. For me it was the lies & deceit & false promises not to keep spending: putting his own selfish spearhead of the support for his family.

In my opinion, someone like this never changes & if they aren't loving you in a way that puts your happiness ahead of their own, they aren't worth the heartache. Sadly, I'd get shut sooner rather than later. From one who has been there & made the break, it's painful at the time but 18 months on I have no regrets other than not doing it sooner.
Good luck

Thank you for all your comments and advice. It has helped clarify what I need to do and had yet another long talk with DH (yes we are married) last night, he was adamant he wants to make our relationship work (not really a surprise) but I have said we need some time apart and for him to move out. Just need to stay firm and make sure this happens.

Well done, obviously he wants to cling on and freeload, put yourself and your DD first.

When we have friends round, he can be really pleasant with them

^quite nasty in how he speaks to my DD who is 17 ... he blames it on his anti-depressants

Are they magic antidepressants that know how he is in the company of? This is a BS excuse for emotionally abusing your dd.

He is constantly clingy - if I don't answer a text, he will email me with the email going to both my work account and personal account. If I try and suggest going to shops, he will try and invite himself.

That's not clingy... he hates you being away from him because he cannot control your movements.

Just don't know what to do.... Leave. Spending all the money/building up heaps of debt, not contributing to the household the way he is, is financial abuse.

You are being controlled - the wanting you to answer his messages instantly, always having to go to shops with you

Your daughter is being emotionally and mentally abused. She will leave home as soon as she can, and if you stay with him, you will lose her.

Gosh, he sounds nice. Not.

Wow @AmyC40 ! Your children apparently come last in your life eh...

My mother was like this, she couldn't do enough for the useless horrible men in her life and us kids just had to get on with it. I've always wanted to ask her why she constantly stayed no matter how awful they were to us... maybe you can give me some insight? What is so special about this man that its ok for him to be nasty and cruel to your teenage daughter?

The money is the least of your worries tbh. I mean, its terrible, but that's not even nearly the most important factor here. Interesting that the money is apparently the straw that broke the camels back, but him verbally abusing your children is just something you've quietly tried to work around

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Wow *@AmyC40* ! Your children apparently come last in your life eh...

My mother was like this, she couldn't do enough for the useless horrible men in her life and us kids just had to get on with it. I've always wanted to ask her why she constantly stayed no matter how awful they were to us... maybe you can give me some insight? What is so special about this man that its ok for him to be nasty and cruel to your teenage daughter?

The money is the least of your worries tbh. I mean, its terrible, but that's not even nearly the most important factor here. Interesting that the money is apparently the straw that broke the camels back, but him verbally abusing your children is just something you've quietly tried to work around

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC It is only in the last few months, my DH has started to be like he has with my DD. Prior to this he has always been a good step-dad - attending parents evenings, helping with homework, looking at college options to the extent that my DD herself asked to take on his surname when she was 15 - this was completely her choice and he was proud that she felt close enough to ask him. But yes I completely agree with you that his behavior is unacceptable and the situation needs to be addressed.

I'm afraid that when you choose to be with a cheat, you're always running the risk that that might turn out to be a character trait rather than a one-off. His superficial friendliness makes it sound as though he is used to acting a part. Did his upbringing encourage him to be sneaky, cover up errors, make excuses?

He has shown you who he is, you have asked him to leave and need to move on.

Keep this in your head as a mantra and ignore any pleading or anger from him. Do it for your DD if you can't do it for you.

Get rid of him before you end up bankrupt and homeless. Are you sure his debt isn’t more than £40k? Don’t wait for him to tell you any more lies.