Do quick relationships always end in disaster?

[daisydukes26]

Long time poster. Recent name change.

I have recently started seeing someone, we will call him Bob.

I have known Bob for many years, not really a friend, but an acquaintance .

My relationship with DC father ended 2 years ago. Bob has been single for a year.

We started messaging, which became frequent and lots of phone calls for hours. Everything felt relaxed and natural.

We met up for a drink a few weeks ago and have been in constant contact ever since.

Everything feels just right and just click and fit. Very similar interests/ morals/ life wants.

It is moving quickly, but it feel so right.

I don't think I am being 'love bombed'. I hear that expression a lot on here, but how does anyone actually know?

My question. Can quick relationships ever work ? Or is it just lust ?

I knew a couple who married really fast, in weeks - they were together about a decade and had kids etc, whole nine yards, and seemed blissfully happy..

Right up until the sudden, vicious, acrimonious divorce where her side is that he's controlling and abusive.

So I dunno, it seems like it can work for some people.
But sometimes appearances are deceptive too.

I think if it is right and brilliant, stars aligned and all that, then why rush it, anyway? You might as well take your time and enjoy each other, dating, instead of hurtling into domestication.

And if you have kids from a previous relationship, then you can't afford to take risks you might if you were on your own, and you have a responsibility to cool your jets.

@category12

Absolutely solid advice. Thank you.
With regard to the DC although they already know him, (from years of him being in a similar circle to me) I would not introduce them in 'that' way any time soon. I already know they like him as a person and he is really good with them. It's just keeping him and i completely separate.

It has made me feel so much better reading so many lovely positive stories. Maybe my luck in this life is changing for the better finally !

Met and married my DH within 12 months. Got engaged after 3 months. Been married 21 years!

I met my exH and we were married within 8 months of meeting, married for 14 terrible years but if I'm honest, I knew at the time it was a whirlwind & I shouldn't have married him. However, I've now met an amazing man who is absolutely my soul mate & definitely a keeper. Trust your instincts, they're rarely wrong & enjoy it.

Mine is still brilliant a year on, it's just right. Some naysayers said too fast but my sensible friends reminded me they were engaged after just a couple of months and just celebrated 50 years! Go with your gut but keep your head screwed on! We are about to complete on a house, why wait?

@daisydukes26 you have described something very similar to what is happening to me. I've started dating someone I've been friends with for a very long time time. We weren't close friends, but always kept in touch through the years.
Both of us have very strong feelings for each other, we have talked about the future and I can't imagine him not being in my life. We are aware it's moving very quickly, but equally it just feels so right. I'm just going to go with it and see what happens. During a pandemic it's nice that I'm still able to smile.
Good luck with your relationship!

I would always pace relationships to be on the safe side. Men do tend to rush at things whether they're genuine or not and women get swept up in the romance of it all. Make space for him and let it grow but don't let it become front and centre before he's been around a while. You don't need the marathon phone calls. When I was dating I made it a priority to fill my life up with other things, hobbies etc.
Out of interest why have you not had a date since the drink a few weeks ago?

@batteriesgoing

I would always pace relationships to be on the safe side. Men do tend to rush at things whether they're genuine or not and women get swept up in the romance of it all. Make space for him and let it grow but don't let it become front and centre before he's been around a while. You don't need the marathon phone calls. When I was dating I made it a priority to fill my life up with other things, hobbies etc. Out of interest why have you not had a date since the drink a few weeks ago?

We have been on dates since. exP has the children EOW so we see each other on those weekends.

There are never any guarantees, and relationships can end at any time. My parents split after 26 years of marriage for example and nobody - not even they - saw it coming.

I told my partner I loved him after about a month, and he said it back. We were texting and calling constantly, and always saying lovely, romantic things to each other. I moved in after three months. We're almost at 3 years now, which I know isn't really long term, but I think 3 years of living together gives you a clue about whether you're suited or not!

We're perfectly happy, just had each other for company all the way through lockdown and actually enjoyed it (I think it was a huge test for lots of couples), and we've started a business together which is thriving so far.

So, so far so good. That's not to say we'll be together forever because nobody can say that they will for sure, but we certainly had a quick and full on start to the relationship, and it's still good.

My DP and I met and within 4 dates agreed we couldn't see our respective futures without the other in it. Just unlike anything I'd ever felt before. Said I love you within 2 months and knew then we were going to get married. Only thing that has delayed us was needing to get our decree absolutes!

2 years on, he proposed last week and we're marrying in December

My husband and I moved in together in less than three months, we just fitted - similar personalities, outlook. 19 years later and we still get along really well and overall it's been great.

Obviously there's a significant amount of luck involved but it can happen, sometimes two people are very compatible and it's obvious from early on.

I met my husband through a friend and we just clicked on the same night we met 15 years ago. We got married 11 years ago and we have children.

For every success story there will be many sob stories. It’s always lust at the start and that can and does fade and then the cracks appear. Clearly for some they don’t appear but don’t be taken in my all these happy ever after stories. When you have kids, you have a duty to them to take things extremely slowly.

For every success story there will be many sob stories.

You can say the same for any relationship regardless of the pace it's been taken at. I think it's only a problem if going fast is your standard MO, but a one-off because it just feels different is ok.

I agree about not rushing introductions to kids though.

The thing about it just feeling different is that it can be because of love-bombing or the intensity of an unhealthy dynamic, not because it's right.

Got married 7 months after meeting him and we are still together, will be our 27 year anniversary this December

@category12 Sounds corny but I literally felt a whoosh of something go through me the first time DH and I hugged (and no it wasn't lust!! He's not my type on paper at all). Just a safe, warm feeling that I'd never experienced with anyone else before. He felt the same. No love bombing going on at all as although we'd chatted for a bit it was literally the first time we'd met and neither of us had any expectations that we'd end up as anything other than a pleasant fling because of the physical distance between us.

Although I do get your general point you only have to read the many threads on here slating women for choosing a lazy or abusive man to father their DC and the defence is always "but he was ok for years then he changed." Having strong boundaries and acting on them immediately is more important than anything else.

They can and they can't. Many slower burning relationships turn into disasters. Yours will have the same chance as anyone else's.

DH and I said we loved each other the day we got together, moved in together after 2 weeks of dating, and got married within 18 months. Blissfully happy. He's truly my other half and he makes me feel so safe and loved.

I had the "thunderbolt" or whoosh, too with ex. < Oh, spoiler

As per pps, you can't predict outcomes. Some fast relationships will turn out well and be healthy. Some will turn out badly.

I think it's fine to go fast if it's just you, but when you've got kids you've got a responsibility to take it slow and cautiously.

I think lust at first sight is correct but true love takes time to build. How can you rationally love a person you don't know?

However I think it luck and judgement. Lucky for some people to not meet disordered individuals (estimates are 1 in 25) that are intent on manipulating. It is also luck that you may have been born into a family where healthy relationships were demonstrated and you grew up with good self esteem.

The good judgement is when you choose to start relationships and the speed at which you move. So if you are single, no children, had periods of single life and happy with it, resolved any childhood wounds, have good esteem you are going to be "luckier" with fast relationships.

If however you have had poor childhood experiences, failed relationships that resulted in children, lower self esteem then no matter how right it feels and you are likely to be "unluckier" but mostly because your judgement will be off.

Only you can know which camp you are closer to...and it is important not to be self deceptive.

I've been with my husband 20 years, half my life....it was very fast at first, moved in together within weeks, married within a year.. had children within a few years .... it was fast but it worked well. It was a successful relationship for over a decade ago and then it lost its lustre. We started cohabiting instead of being in a relationship.... So I started again, trying to work on the relationship, and work on me. And a few years later we are still "taking it slow". That's what it seems like.... Back to dating and asking questions that we just took for granted.... This might sound confusing but I think it can be okay to move fast, it can absolutely work.... With the things like moving in together, marriage or even children. But the "relationship" should never be fast. Always take time, and never assume you know everything about them. It's a good thing that there is always things to learn.

I first met my husband end of April 2014, we became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But we knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, so we made sure we were. It was perfect.
I'd just turned 21 when we met, he was 29. I was a student and he worked full time but we still made it work, and couldn't be happier.

There’s lots of lovely stories on here and I’m one of them, we moved in together after 3 months of dating and we’re still together after 14 years.

However I must add an (extreme) cautionary tale. A close family member met ‘the perfect guy’. They were married within 6 months and within a year of that (without going into too much detail) he’d put her in hospital. Thanks to years on Mumsnet, I’d spotted the red flags on day one but how do you make other people see when everything appears so perfect? Some of the red flags were:

Many gushing FB posts from their first date onwards about he can’t believe she’s all his.
Referring to her as ‘the Mrs’ after their first date.
Meeting each other’s kids within a week of meeting and quickly encouraging them to call each other sisters.
Moving in with her within a month of meeting and who knows where he was living before?
Not really having a proper job and just living off her.
Alienating family members.
Huge proposal then the need to get married immediately.
Getting matching tattoos before even getting engaged.
She completely change the way she dressed and how her children dressed for him.

I knew it would end badly but I had no idea how bloody badly 🤬.