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Original poster

What do I do? Feeling let down by partner. Do I have too high expectations?

51 replies

RosieAnne123 · 06/10/2020 13:41

I have had a really bad week, and have been feeling really low and down in the dumps. Last night I really needed some comfort and company from my partner. I asked him if we could go for a walk - he said he had already planned to meet up with a friend. Ok. He goes out for a couple of hours.

I have a bath, and I said that I want to go and lie down because I am feeling rubbish, I am tearful and upset. He said he doesn't want to join me for a lie down because it is only 7:30.

So, I go and lie down in bed, try to read my kindle, feeling really alone and upset. Have a good cry.

I say to him today I feel disappointed because I was feeling low last night and I needed him. He said that he didn't have the energy or capacity to be there for me, and that he wanted to do some things for himself (i.e. go on his laptop and watch TV).

I feel really upset. He knew how rubbish and low I have been feeling, and I don't understand how he can so easily and happily just leave me to it and cry on my own, just because he doesn't want to sit in the bedroom?

All I needed was his presence and his touch. People will say well why didn't you go downstairs? Because I knew he didn't want to "deal" with me. Why would I try to force someone to comfort me? :(

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 07/10/2020 06:15

I think it depends.

TBH all the “I just lay there crying,” talk seems a bit dramatic, also the expectation that because you wanted to go and lie down he should come and lie with you just to hold you and touch you...

I get that you were upset for whatever reason, but couldn’t you just talk about it and have a mutual conversation which would then also involve some support rather than having to put on the drama act?

If my partner was like that I’d get to a point where I didn’t have capacity either... but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be supportive and listen to him if he was down.

EarlyMorningRain · 07/10/2020 06:19

He knew how rubbish and low I have been feeling

I think this line suggests that this is an ongoing pattern of requiring comfort and support.

If he knew, then it's not going to be the first he'd heard of it and, at some point, we don't have the capacity to keep it going and have to prioritise ourselves.

Some people do enjoy the feeling of endlessly supporting and comforting someone else because of how doing so makes them feel about themselves and the other person. Some people are, and prefer others to be, a little more self sufficient.

LetsSplashMummy · 07/10/2020 06:40

Did you go for a walk anyway, even though he couldn't come?
Do you see friends often and have a life separate from him?

If yes to these, then you aren't asking too much, and he should have comforted you after a bad week

If no, then think about how much you ask of him and what he asks in return. If one person sees the relationship as a part of their life, complimented by friends, family and looking after themselves at a basic level (going for a walk when they need some fresh air and exercise) and the other partner is completely dependent on the relationship to meet all their needs, you are going to run into problems. Neither of you are wrong, or bad, just different.

Hope you feel better soon and can sort it out, take care.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2020 07:05

He doesn't sound supportive or kind. My dh could never leave me crying on my own while he watched tv.

OfTheNight · 07/10/2020 07:05

Sorry you feel bad OP. From what you’ve written it sounds to me like you might feel like this regularly? If so, I think your DP isn’t being all that unreasonable. Everyone has their own limits and if he’s feeling a bit stretched himself, then I think it’s fair that he was honest with you. Are you getting any other support for your low mood?

You seem a bit reliant on him to make you feel better. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a cuddle but expecting him to go and lie down all evening seems a bit much? If you needed to be near him, you could have sat on the sofa with him while he went on his laptop. You kind of chose to go upstairs. If DP said he was going upstairs for a lie down, I’d take that that he wanted some quiet time alone.

There’s lots of things you can do to physically sooth yourself when you feel low. My therapist recommended getting some lovely, scented body lotion to use when I feel bad. The scent is uplifting and the action of putting it on is soothing and an act of self care. A weighted blanket feels nice, I also have a cuddly extra long hot water bottle which is a comfort. I do have an amazing DP, who is mega supportive and spends a lot of his emotional energy supporting me (I have a lot of MH issues), but I’m mindful that he can’t absorb all my bad feeling indefinitely, we have to be responsible for ourselves.

ComicePear · 07/10/2020 07:23

He sounds pretty cold and heartless to me. As others have said, he didn't need to spend the whole evening upstairs with you, but couldn't he have given you a hug, asked if you were ok and stayed to chat for a few minutes?

In your place I would be feeling let down and emotionally unsupported.

lojoko · 07/10/2020 07:31

Hm. It really depends. If your mum died or something if it's a huge and unusual event then yes just leaving you to it is a bit harsh. If you get down and weep about quite often, if you have a depressive nature, then I don't think it's wrong for someone to say they are not signing up as your support human. It's not wrong for you to say that's what you require from a partner, either -- you can just discover an incompatibility without anyone being the baddie.

Odile13 · 07/10/2020 07:57

Hi OP, I think without knowing more information this is a tough one to give an opinion on.

For me personally, when I have a bad day I would expect to come home, chat to DH about it, get some sympathy and a hug and then go on with our evening. Unless I’d had very bad news I wouldn’t expect him to cancel plans with a friend. I also am the type who would go to bed by myself and have a nice long read to comfort and calm myself down.

So I suppose it depends on whether you generally have a good relationship. Can you talk to him freely? Do you feel like he supports you most of the time? If yes, then maybe your expectations were a bit high. Was he willing at least to talk to you and give you a hug if not spend his whole evening comforting you? That’s the most important thing I think.

Hope you’re feeling better 💐

RantyAnty · 07/10/2020 08:26

I wouldn't make excuses for him.

Why is he even there if he won't be your partner and be there for you when you were really down?

nimbuscloud · 07/10/2020 08:29

Are you really down often? Are you suffering from diagnosed anxiety/depression?

AlexaShutUp · 07/10/2020 08:52

For everyone that said it became wearing, did they truly, deeply love that person? I can't imagine someone I love becoming wearing, but someone I'm not fussed by would annoy me by needing me.

You might not be able to imagine it, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. And yes, it's entirely possible to really, genuinely love someone but still find their neediness exhausting. Sometimes you have to put some emotional distance between yourself and the other person in order to avoid being dragged down into the quagmire with them. You are lucky that you have never had to experience this.

I'm not saying that this is what is happening in this situation, because we simply don't know. There isn't enough information to tell.

category12 · 07/10/2020 11:14

If mrsdoglady is correct about a thread in which you said your partner has lied and possibly cheated on you in the past, and this is a pattern of behaviour where he is cold and emotionally unavailable to you, then you really need to step back and look at the whole picture of your relationship.

It's no good pouring your love and energy into a relationship bucket shot through with holes, and he's not the right man to look to for comfort. In fact, he's probably largely responsible for your low mood and neediness. You might well find life easier without him.

SoulofanAggron · 07/10/2020 14:08

Everyone has their limits, but it could suggest that he doesn't see the relationship as seriously as you, or that he's getting annoyed with you.

Expecting a partner to support you is ok but eventually, if it goes on for a long time, it gets draining to the partner giving it.

In theory, his emotional needs, to have some down time and chill out with a game etc, are just as valid as yours, unless your issue was some sort of unusual emergency and you don't often have them.

Do you live together? Maybe if you don't then if you're feeling that low you shouldn't have seen him- but I understand that you wanted to see him for company and support.

It is a difficult one.

One important thing is that you could benefit from professional support for your mental health. Your MH is taking a toll on your relationship, plus you're not happy in yourself. Please see your GP. If you've already seen your GP/consultant then go back so they can try something else. There are loads of things they can try.

dontdisturbmenow · 07/10/2020 14:26

Going for a walk can mean listening to the other person going an and in about an issue already discussed with the person not even interested in what you've got to say about it, whilst being trapped.

Going to lay down might be the same or indeed very boring.

His words about not having the energy sounds like he feels drained by your emotional lows, especially if those lies are for minor issues, issues that he himself would just deal with there and then without drama.

You might indeed be expecting too much, but it depends on what your lows are about,how often you have them, and how you deal with them.

holrosea · 07/10/2020 16:07

From your previous posts, I'm getting the feeling that your partner just isn't the one for you. I'm not sure how long you've been together but there seems to be a lot of drama (his ex FWB, you not feeling able to trust him, his dismissal of your feelings in that instance) and your time would be better spent building your confidence rather than soldiering on "alone" with someone who doesn't appear to hear you.

Your other posts suggest a bit of a rubbish month (getting turned down for a job) and it's no wonder that you're feeling a bit crap and a bit vulnerable, but you can't really expect someone else to make you feel entirely better anyway, and it doesn't sound like this guy is really able to step up or understand what you need.

You'd be better of ripping the plaster off: break up, move out/move him out, brush up on your training/experience, reach out to friends, get a dog. Christ, anything other than manguishing alone in a room above a person who's just not that invested in you.

holrosea · 07/10/2020 16:09

*languishing, although I do think I just invented a great word for languishing due to man-related-hassle.

DailyLotion · 07/10/2020 16:14

I think the fact that he has said he didn't have the energy to deal with you last night suggests you can be quite a drain on his emotional resources. Of course if this is a one off, he should have been there for you but why does your emotional fragility trump his?

I wouldn't have expected DH to cancel anything pre arranged and if I need a lie down at 7:30, I'd expect to do it alone and be pleased to be given the time and space.

That's based on your OP alone. However, if he's the man other posters recognise, you're looking for support in the wrong place and you won't find it.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2020 17:53

I think the fact that he has said he didn't have the energy to deal with you last night suggests you can be quite a drain on his emotional resources.

I agree either this tbh. It sounds like this is a regular thing with you and he can't deal with it...or he couldn't yesterday.

Crying in bed comes across as dramatic as pp have said and you sound rather needy

Redcups64 · 07/10/2020 17:58

If you rely on someone too much they can start to feel like they have a responsibility to you and your care, which is not nice for anyone.

If your quite independent but wanted support for one night then that’s fine but if it’s constant then you need to get help to help yourself and not rely on a partner constantly

user1481840227 · 07/10/2020 18:05

There's no way to tell at all from the OP whether he is a good partner or bad partner.

We would need a lot more details such as how often this happens, how he supports you then or if he even does at all, what your relationship is normally like, how he treats you, how you treat him.

It's just impossible to tell really!

Blavatskyite · 07/10/2020 18:06

@holrosea

*languishing, although I do think I just invented a great word for languishing due to man-related-hassle.

I’m going to borrow this for a friend who seems to specialise in falling for weapons-grade wankers.

Blavatskyite · 07/10/2020 18:07

Sorry, that was meant to be a

category12 · 07/10/2020 19:24

I love manguishing, what a brilliant word. All hail holrosea

Blavatskyite · 07/10/2020 19:30

We should try to popularise it, get it into the OED, and the first usage would be on Mn today...

IJustWantSomeBees · 08/10/2020 14:19

More context is needed

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