My inlaws are rude

[Iamsuki]

My inlaws are quite wealthy; I am from a poor family. I think this has a bearing on how they're treating me as they seem in awe of anyone with money and I've seen them fully engrossed in conversation with wealthier people and not treating them the way they do to me. MILs cousin's daughter recently married a very wealthy man and she appears to be absorbed in conversation with him on the occasions we've met them.
They basically don't listen to anything I have to say. We have 2 DCs who they want to look after quite frequently, which is very helpful as we work FT, but if I try to explain anything to do with DCs welfare when dropping them at their house, they just cut me off, blank me or blatantly ignore me.

It doesn't just happen with regards to the children; it's everything. They just aren't interested in anything I have to say. More recently they gave one of the children an allergen food and I had explained to them countless times which version of this food was 'safe' and which was not, but always sense they're not listening to me. Actually I don't sense it. It's obvious.

When DH is there, he regularly pulls them up "can you please listen to what DW is saying!" They don't treat him like this, just me.
Up until recently, I have continued my politeness and continued speaking calmly after DH has pulled them up, but since the last occasion when they gave the allergen food, I've lost all hope and I'm very upset. Luckily, DC didn't react too badly, as he was windy and had loose stools, but it could have been worse.

I've told DH I'm not happy with this who says it's "just how they are" and thinks it's ok for me to continue feeling this way as he pulls them up each time they do it.
But they still do it. The next time and the next time and the next time.

It just doesn't feel ok anymore. With the allergen situation, I've said that we will now buy food to be cosumed in their care. I'm sure my Inlaws are offended by this but they've left me little choice and DH seems very anxious at the idea, clearly not used to not taking any form of control where his parents are concerned. What I can't face more of is the blanking, talking over me and complete ignorance. DH thinks its OK for me to keep going through this rigmarole literally each time we visit them, where he pulls them up each time they don't listen to me, but it's awkward, tiring and rude. I have begun doing it back to them on occasion, as I realised I don't need to offer politeness when I'm clearly not given it, but this just seems ridiculous.

I know it's good that DH pulls them up, but really, this dynamic just feels miserable to continue in the long term.
I am thinking of saying something to them directly myself. DH will be mortified. But surely I shouldn't really have to put up with this regardless of DH pointing it out each time?

He has been pointing out this behaviour for around 5 years now and it's made very little difference.

I don't know if it's anything to do with wealth, but it does sound like they don't particularly like you very much.

If they're not listening to your DP asking them to treat you with basic respect then I can't see why he wouldn't want to consider going NC.

That’s awful. If someone treated me like that, I wouldn’t make any time for them no natter who they are. Let your husband visit and use the time for yourself. X

if they arent listening to you regarding your childrens welfare, stop letting them look after them

I would make sure it's your DH who hands over the correct food if you take it yourselves, him who has the conversation with PIL and does anything related to it, so whatever reason, it's him they listen to (or not) and him they can fall out with. You keep out of it.

Are you able to just not see them? Your DH can visit and take the kids but I wouldn't be wasting my time with them. Also I wouldn't want them looking after my kids if they don't comply with your wishes as a parent. I understand that free child care is fab but is it really worth it?

If I stopped letting them look after them, there would be uproar.
I stopped talking to MIL around 5-6 years ago due to some crazy behaviours and didn't allow her to look after DC1 at all for 2 years. DH and I almost divorced over it.
I don't want to have to go back to how things were back then, it put me in therapy. I have tolerated the rudness in conversation as it's been much easier to cope with than the other stuff, but I have now become utterly fed up with it.

Let there be uproar then. If he wants to continue to ahve a relationship of sorts with his parents then let him. Your children and you do not have to do so and follow meekly behind.

Your inlaws are not fit people to be looking after your children if they ignore you as their mother and feed them allergen foods. What message does that send your children if they see you as their mother being ignored and or otherwise disrespected by their paternal grandparents?.

Tolerating this as you have done simply does not work and it only rewards their bad behaviour further. Your H is using you as a buffer here between his parents and you and his own inertia when it comes to them hurts him as much as you. He is key to all this and he needs to step up far more than he has done to date; who do his loyalties lie with?. Is it with you people as his family unit or them?. Is he still wanting and or seeking his parents approval here, approval that they will never give him?. I feel on some level your DH is very much afraid of his parents and far more so than he ever is of you. He may well think that the sky will fall in if he upsets either of them and he is seemingly mired too in his own fear, obligation and guilt re them.

Your child could have become hospitalised as a result of them giving he/she such food. How would your DH feel then if that had happened?. Would he demand that they properly listen to you then?. They should have listened to you in the first place. He needs to put his own family unit including you first and foremost now, not his parents.

@attilathemeerkat you commented on my original thread all those years ago when I first started having problems with MILs behaviour. It was your posts that stood out the most.
He was knee deep in FOG back then, so probably still is now.
He did side with me in the end after your posts helped me put things into perspective, but it was a long, painful road.
I think I'd rather divorce him this time than go through all of that again.

Will he at all consider seeing a therapist about his fear, obligation and guilt re his parents?. These people are not at all nice to you as their DIL and think they know best re your DC. Your children and you at the very least need to stay away from them.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no likely not. His parents are no different.

If it's important to your husband they look after her and you want to let them fine but you don't have to see them. Tell your DH you won't be going back or having anything to do with them. You don't need to put up with anyone treating you like that. Personally if this was my husband I would leave, I can't believe he puts up with this. None of them will change so get out now, do you want your children to see you treated this way and their dad letting it happen!

Could you put it to them straight that they need to look after your children to the required standard ie. not harm them through food that can make them ill or they dont get to look after them. Simple. Your DH can pop round with them but you don't need to put yourself in a situation where you are feeling crap because of their poor manners. Also I wouldn't worry about causing uproar, you're not being unreasonable you matter too, you can't be treated like this. They do sound quite rude.

And he is very much under their thumb still. He will have to face his discomfort re his parents head on rather than try and continue to use you as a buffer. If he does not he could well lose you.

Your DH may never fully escape his FOG re his parents either. This is who he is and his parents are who they are too.

It would play further into his parents hands if your DH took the children over to see his parents and leave you as his wife at home. It gives the children mixed messages and is confusing to them.

They have a choice; they fully start respecting and or acknowledge you respectfully as your children's mother or otherwise you and the DC do not see them. My guess is that scenario will not happen, such disordered of thinking people like your ILs never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Talking of which what was their response to your DCs allergic reaction?.

he doesn't have your back and he's still too mired in FOG to even place the health and safety of his children first.

Eventually they will influence your dc's attitude/opinion of you too.

They need at least ONE parent to look out for their best interests -BE that parent no matter what.

My daughter is highly allergic to peanuts and need epipen. She had vomited and developed hives several times before I was able to confirm it. With her blood test last time in hope to give her an oral challenge to see how she react, she failed the blood test and they refused to give her the oral challenge (her blood test showed 100% reaction) . Reaction do get worst over time, my daughter’s did.

If my in-laws refused to listen to me for the safety of my child, I would not let them watch her at all. It could be diabete or anything. They are not safe around your daughter if they can’t listen to your concerns

Thanks all.
It's very frustrating as they wouldn't ever intentionally do anything to harm DCs. They adore them.
They just are not nutritionally minded at all. I have repeatedly asked them to check the packaging on absolutely every food they give to DCs, even if one brand is safe, it doesn't mean another is, but they're just not capable.
Luckily, they are not anaphylactic with their allergies unlike your DC @blueberrypie0112 which sounds so awfully stressful. If they were, they would not be able to prepare any food for them at all as they just can not do it safely. I'm upset that I have pointed out more than once that this particular brand of food is not safe, whilst another is. I can see why it would be easy to get confused, but the problem is that they didn't consider what I originally said to them regarding this food as important information in the first place.
I am anticipating an argument with them soon and mentally preparing for it. Spoken to DH very seriously this evening about all of this and he has agreed that if I was from a wealthier, higher status background, they would probably take me more seriously. How sad is that?