i had a miscarriage. but my ex claims he had a vasectomy

[lizzyjane1984]

ok this is a horrible story. sorry ladies.

i had a miscarriage in june this year - a very early loss. i estimate baby was 4 to 6 weeks but can't be sure. this happened to me during lockdown.
my ex and i had broken up when i became sure i was pregnant. i was scared and isolated. only had a couple of weeks to tell him - then i miscarried

i have had ptsd, post partum psychosis and depression since the loss. i was already under much stress because of lockdown and the break up. i am now in trauma therapy & have had the worst few months of my life. so go easy on me.

i am 35 and this was my second baby. i i haven't had an abortion or miscarriage before. the idea he would tell me have one scared me a lot but i don't know if he would have reacted this way. i really don't know. i miscarried at home in my bed. i didn't tell my ex i was pregnant at the time. i had a few weeks to tell and was dealing with the break up.

i lost the baby and have had amnesia of the loss. because of the ptsd and psychosis that followed. i have been dealing with hallucinations and ptsd, and now depression. i only remembered a few weeks back miscarriage. i started to tell him in a heated argume what happened to baby. we were have been friends since May when we broke up and i've always trusted him. he has been a friend through all the mental issues. neither doctors or therapists knew the trigger or cause for the symptoms. i've never has these mental symptoms before and it was very scary.

so because we were friends i did not expect his extreme reaction to the news. he stopped speaking to me and would not reply to me. this went on for a fortnight. he finally gets in touch and tells me he had a vasectomy and he thinks there's "slim chance" i was pregnant. tried to imply i might have imagined it. because of mental health. i think he panicking even though baby is gone. he's never refused to speak to me before. it's very out of character.

i'm now dealing with my loss and his response has made it much more difficult. i have had intense feelings of shame, and guilt. i had had the worst possible spectrum of health issues. my therapist gently told me the baby was likely the trigger. i was isolated. had decided not to tell him as he'd gone back to his ex. also felt it was wrong to tell anyone else so i stayed silent.

told nobody until i told him 3 months later. i didn't break the news well to him because i was very emotional.

so.... he emails me after 2 weeks silence and months of friendship. this isn't normal behaviour for him at all. we had a nice relationship other than the breakup. he says he has had a vasectomy last year and didn't say because he was embarrassed. so he doesn't really believe i was pregnant. this was a shock when dealing with miscarriage and grieving for the baby.

i don't understand what's gone on. i have no knowledge of vasectomy. is there a chance it could fail? is he not telling the truth? what does everyone think? he says he had it "last year" and baby was conceived in may. when we first met he has asked me in i was on contraception and he seems anxious about it. yet now he says there was slim chance i was pregnant.

i really need help. what do people think?

my best friend thinks he might be lying about it but i just can't see why he would do that? the baby is dead. why would you lie about vasectomy if it was a miscarriage.

can these procedures not be reliable?

and what sort of questions should i be asking him? he is still talking to me. i have found it hard to cope with that when grieving my baby i am having to debate semantics about the conception. i'm also baffled by it all.

any thoughts please?

Your friend is right.

Any man I know who has had a vasectomy (or any woman who has a hysterectomy/early menopause) tells their new partner when they start dating as they have to make it clear they can't have children.

Sorry for your loss but this guy is not one you should continue to contact. Block his numbers on your phone, redirect his emails to spam and block him on social media. Then get more counselling/therapy to heal.

There are lots of separate things happening here, I'm not surprised you are finding it hard to cope.

Your priority is you- you don't need him to heal you, you don't need his permission to get well. Concentrate on doing what you need to do to recover from an awful time- your loss, your trauma, your health issues.

He isn't a reliable support to you now, you need to do it without him.

I would tell him to check his vasectomy hasn't failed, and then block him. Find your support somewhere else.

Vasectomies do fail sometimes. You'll never know if he is being honest or not. From his perspective he's probably thinking the same about what you told him, and his friends saying the same about you.

Best to focus on your recovery and try not to dwell on what he has said.

(Above not meant harshly, more that different sides will interpret things differently, and often to tell their friends what they want to hear.)

he did tell me he didn't want children. so was very clear about that. in his email to me he says he didn't tell anyone about the vasectomy because he felt embarrassed. we had talked about children - i don't want any more either. and he said his last relationship ended because she wanted children and he didn't.

i don't know how recent his vasectomy was. so if he had the procedure done in say december - at the time he asked me about contraception this was only 2 months later. you need to be using contraception for a while afterwards don't you? so that might explain it.

i am going to quiz him a bit more about it - he doesn't any record of lying about anything else and really doesn't seem like a man who would do this. as in lie about it. i sent him an extremely angry email the other night - calling him all kinds of names.

he replied saying he doesn't think i'm making it up about the miscarriage. but said again he has had the snip and so finds it difficult to believe. it was strange he would reply to that email from me if he really had no interest in discussing it. because i was furious.. it wasn't a nice email.

is there any chance he could be telling the truth and i've got pregnant anyway? i have heard vasectomies are mor always totally effective. i don't know when he had the vasectomy - and as i say if it was very recent he might have been worried about contraception.

he didn't ask me about it again. it was only the one time when we first met.

See if he'd be willing to get his sperm checked to see if it failed. To be honest if he's telling the truth then it's critical for him to find out if it's failed or not.

Yes, there's a chance he's telling the truth.

Why are you dragging this out with him? You're making this so much more difficult on yourself.

Hi there,
We have edited your first post to remove the name, we hope that's okay. We're really sorry to hear you've had such a rough time lately and wish you all the best in your recovery. Take it easy. x

OP - why are you so intent on staying in contact with him? There is no possible friendship if you just broke up and he went back to his ex.
If he has a failed vasectomy - you have done what you could and have informed him. What he does with the information is up to him. What do you have to gain with discussing it further???

On another note - I am sorry about the miscarriage. But - as you know it was a very early pregnancy and many people do miscarry in that stage and not know about it. Mostly it’s because the wasn’t a normal development of the foetus.
And - btw - did you have it medically confirmed that it was a miscarriage and not some other gynaecological issue? Not for the purposes of arguing with your ex-bf but for you to know, especially if you decide to have more children.
I am sorry you had all these mental health issues post the event - and I am sure the lockdown had something to do with it. However - it’s unlikely it was a post-partum psychosis as you have only been in the very early stages of pregnancy. I hope your medical team gets to the bottom of what is going on and helps you.

Do you have one child already? Can you try to focus on him/her? They need you.

For his own peace of mind and so as not to impact future relationships, (let alone put your mind at ease a little), he needs to go back and get his sperm count checked.

He should have done that a few months after the op, to check it was successful, but I can imagine a lot of men don’t bother to. Ask him if he did.

I hope you're getting the support you need to recover. Did you have it confirmed that it was a miscarriage and then postpartum psychosis? It's just that seems a very extreme reaction to a 4 week pregnancy and an accurate diagnosis is vital for you to receive the correct treatment.
Your ex should definitely get himself tested to see if the vasectomy failed. I don't blame him from being angry tho, you kept this from him for months while he supported you through your health problems and then you just dropped it on him. What were you hoping to gain from telling him after so long?

Who diagnosed your miscarriage and your postpartum psychosis? PPP isn’t something that is diagnosed after a miscarriage...

Agree with others that nothing can be achieved from continuing to contact him. I’m sure your therapist has been encouraging you to stop contacting him also?
Have you tried ‘urge surfing’ when you want to message him? It might help calm you down and distract you away from messaging or emailing.

Vasectomies can fail, I have a family member who had a surprise baby after her husband had the snip as he didn't go back fir the 3 month check. Sorry this has happened to you OP

Did you do a pregnancy test?

From his point of view if he’s had a vasectomy and it’s failed, he’s either thinking you have imagined the pregnancy or you cheated on him and it was someone’s else’s baby. Both are likely to make him go a bit quiet and distance on you.

You need to forget him, focus on getting yourself better.

How have you found your 'trauma therapist?' Some therapists who call themselves that can use methods that are actually bad for people such as recovered memory therapy. Some people ended up thinking they saw their parents sacrifice babies to Satan, when they didn't.

I would see your GP if you haven't already, and a consultant if they refer you. Follow their evidence based advice and treatment.

What a tough situation for you. It is possible that his vasectomy failed, but your well-being must take priority. I would advise you to take good care of yourself and put your needs first. Take care.

How certain are you you were pregnant. Its seems unlikely you had/have ppp when you didn't realise you were pregnant and didn't remember you had a miscarriage.
To be honest I can see why he thinks you might be making it up when you only brought it up with him because you were arguing.
Why are you still in contact with him?

You need to move on from this man and focus on your MH. You clearly aren’t over him as much as you say considering how much of this is consuming your time.

Big hugs to you. You are obviously going through a very difficult time.

As others have said, are you sure that you were pregnant? You may not have had a miscariage, but that doesn't mean that you are "making it up".

So both things can be true - your ex had a vasectomy, and you believe you had a miscarriage.

Also, as someone else asked, how did you find your "trauma therapist"? And who told you that you had Post Partum Psychosis?

There are a lot of questions that need answering here, but I'm not sure it's useful or helpful to focus on your ex.

How do you know you was pregnant? Did you take a test?

When you miscarry a baby so early on it’s just the same as a period, you say you miscarried in bed? You saw an actual baby? As they don’t look anything like a baby that early on?

You sound vulnerable and like you need help. You appear confused about the whole thing and chances of being pregnant by someone who has had the snip is very very unlikely.

I hope you get help and stop dragging this out with him, move on.

He's not a friend or anything else good. Block him from your life for good and keep up with the therapy.

He may well have had a vasectomy but not gone back for the 3 month check to make sure it had worked. It's possible the timing of the follow-up check would have been affected by lockdown. So, in short, yes, he may have had a vasectomy and yes, you could still have got pregnant.

There is so much going on here.
of course vasectomies can fail, and if it was too close to the vasectomy, then it may be that he was still fertile.

But I have questions around your miscarriage. I have had 4, early and also a bit later. I wonder if you had a positive pregnancy test? If not, is it possible that this was another problem? early miscarriages are mostly very similar to a heavy period, or even just a normal period. Also, excess clotting around a period can be heavy and very similar to an later miscarriage. Clotting is something that can happen to anyone.
Even at 12 weeks, there is no visible baby, although by that time it is nothign like a period.

I am not doubting you, just wondering if you have explored all the options.

But continuing this relationship is not helping you, and I would suggest you block him.

It is possible the vasectomy failed. What contraception were you using? Could this have caused a late or heavy period, did you actually do a pregnancy test?