Hate Myself, Is It My Fault? Will It Ever Get Better?

[2LostSoulsLivingInAFishBowl]

I’ve been scrolling through Mumsnet and you lot give lots of good advice out so I thought that I would post my own situation.

I finally decided today that I am leaving my partner. It’s been coming for a very long time. Over the years he has been abusive (mentally and physically), controlling and has also cheated on numerous occasions. He drinks every weekend, often going out drinking for days at a time, and when he is drunk is when most of the abuse has occurred. I’ve asked him to give up drinking as I think this would solve all our problems but he is not willing to, often saying he works hard so is entitled to it and I knew what he was like when we got together. Can I not want things to be different now we are older?

I know so many things are wrong with our relationship so I finally told him that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I know he thinks this will pass as I’ve said it so many times before and haven’t stuck to it. And he has mentioned a few times that I didn’t leave at the time of any abusive episode so what right do I have to bring it up again. I don’t have any proof of anything either as I have been too ashamed to tell anyone. And he is always so blasé about it saying that I pushed him into it, I made him snap.

I’ve been thinking a lot today and have realised that he was abusive towards me before I got pregnant and I still stayed with him. He has been abusive over the years and I’ve still stayed. I’ve put up with everything. So is this my fault for not leaving him sooner? I actually came to realise today that I hate and disrespect myself so much for not leaving him sooner. And to be honest I’m
scared that I won’t follow through with leaving him now. He makes everything so hard whenever I try and leave him, making subtle threats about turning our DC against me and that I will never make it on my own without him and he has gave me everything I have and I won’t survive money wise without him.

I want to be happy and am terrified that I will be stuck in this situation forever. Why do people stay with people who treat them like this and will life ever get better? Will my DC hate me for leaving and splitting up our family life? I’m so sad right now. He has said he will leave this week once we have spoke and sorted out things with DC but I really don’t think he will.

There is also a small voice in the back of my mind asking myself if I’m really doing the right thing by wanting to split up. And I’m scared it will win again.

Sorry for the long story. Thanks for listening and I appreciate any advice from people who have escaped similar circumstances.

How hard for you and what a sad situation. You are doing the right thing by leaving but you cannot blame yourself for not having left sooner, he is the one who has been abusing you, it is not your fault.

I’m left my husband 4 months ago after 18 years for emotional and financial abuse. But it wasn’t always terrible and we had children so I stayed. I have had doubts and times where I have had to be so strong. My ex has reacted very badly to my finally fighting back and has doubled his efforts to control me. It’s not working though and I’ve really seen the absolute worst in him.

Get your support system ready. My parents and my best friend have been absolute rocks to me. Make sure you have someone to call who will calm you down when you are upset or remind you how bad it was when you have doubts. And find out the best solicitor in your area and set up an intro call with them ASAP.

Don’t know how old your children are but be there for them and they will be more aware than you think what he is like and I doubt he could turn them against you.

Stay strong and remember that you are worth so much more x x

I hated myself when I was with my ex, he was abusive, coercive control mainly. Never physical but lots of shouting, verbal abuse, telling me what to do, telling me I'm useless etc. I became very depressed and hated the person I had become. Like you, I had allowed it. But it's like the boiling frog analogy, you don't notice it at first, then it becomes more and more. Eventually when you realise, you feel like such a fool. The good news is, you can end it, kick him to the kerb, dust yourself off and regain your happiness and self esteem. I have, I kicked mine out in March and I've really started to like myself again in recent months.

Good luck op, you can do it 💪