Jealous husband

[funkyjoe]

I am with my husband over 15 years. So not a new relationship. He is great in every way, around the house, with the kids, he treats me as good as he can. He would literally do anything for our family. The issue is I go out maybe once every 6 weeks with a few friends. Nothing major/ few drinks. When he collects me or drops me off and they are men waiting close by and we are having small talk. He will get all huffy and ask me If i like the attention from men, if we have electricians or some maintenance coming to the house he will joke about me not riding them etc. It actually boils my blood. When we go to weddings and I'm chatting to my friends husband about our kids or somethinh he will give the man evil eyes. I am actually so fed up of it. I tell him knock it off and he says he cant, that he cant help how he feels. I love him so much. But this is breaking my heart ans I'm really weighing up our marriage. He is perfect every other way. Also when my friends are there they can tell he has a jealous / paranoid streak and makes comments about it. which makes me feel worse. I have never ever cheated in him.

LTB.

Its not you, its your H. Please do not call him perfect either in every other way because he is not.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is in those pages. What you are describing here is controlling behaviour from him and its absolutely abusive behaviour towards you as well as being unacceptable. My guess too is that he is not like this with people in the outside world, this control from him towards you is solely directed at you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Have a look at his parents OP: this is often learnt behaviour and chances are one of them behaves exactly the same.

He will NOT CHANGE though so you have a choice re this man. Do you want to remain with him going forward or do you want to rebuild your life without him in it day to day?. Do NOT enter into any form of joint counselling with him; it is not recommended in these situations. If counselling is to be considered here you need to go on your own because you need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

Would you want your children to have a marriage or relationship like this?. NO you would not and frankly its not good enough for you either. Your friends have made up their mind about him and perhaps wonder of you why you have stayed with him to date.

His collecting and dropping you off is not the nice gesture it appears to be either; he is really keeping you on a tight leash here. He wants to know where you are and who you are with at all times.

Your H does this to you because he can and it works for him. This is who he is and when someone tells you who they are it pays to listen.

He CAN help it.

He CHOOSES not to.

What a wanker.

Has he ever cheated on you? Men with this sort of obsessive jealous streak are often completely untrustworthy and have double standards.

Anyway, that's by the by, but he does sound miserable to live with.

Thanks for all the comments. Yes, I would absolutely hate for my girls to be in a relationship like this.where she is anxious of her husbands mood on nights out. This is honestly the only negative in our relationship. He does not drink at all and enjoys family time. He works hard during the week and gives me all the money. He is a fantastic dad. No doubt about it. His parents are fantastic. They live 5 minutes away and honestly they are down to earth. No narcissist behaviour. I think he has low self esteem. And sometimes he says what did I do to deserve you. I think he is so frightened I will leave someday.

No. His never ever genuinely cheated. Hand on my heart. Yes my friends take my Mickey out of him when his collecting me and we are chatting and there men there. They say quick step away hubby is coming. They all absolutely adore him and they rile him up saying I got chatted up by men and he just laughs and says at least shes coming home with me though. His a social person. 2 of my friends says there husband could not care if they were getting chatting up. And they think its sweet he is still mad about me. Even though deep down I find it a bit suffocating

This is so controlling.

He is destroying your marriage.

He either gets help or you suggest he leave.

I wouldn't want my children around suchba man.

He needs to take responsibility and get help.

If he refuses, he must accept the consequences.

He's obviously a joke among your friends.
Tell him that.

He chooses the behaviour, he accepts the consequences.

funkyjoe

re your comment:-
"He does not drink at all and enjoys family time. He works hard during the week and gives me all the money. He is a fantastic dad. No doubt about it. His parents are fantastic. They live 5 minutes away and honestly they are down to earth. No narcissist behaviour. I think he has low self esteem. And sometimes he says what did I do to deserve you. I think he is so frightened I will leave someday".

I am sorry but he is not a fantastic dad at all if you as their mother is being treated like this. His actions are not loving ones but are based on power and control; that is what lies at the heart of abuse. His good points here you cite are really the bare minimum of what should be expected in a relationship so your relationship bar needs revising upwards if you think this is at all good.

He is not mad about you he wants to control whom you talk to and or otherwise see. His comment about what did he do to deserve you is blaming you also, its not praise.

He also does not treat other people or work colleagues like this; this is solely reserved for you and in turn your DDs.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour make no mistake and is also not linked to narcissism. You are right in one respect in that he does have low self esteem but that is not your fault or doing. He blames you for that though, not his parents (who are likely also not as nice or good as you think they are).

By controlling you as he is doing he will indeed drive you away as you should. Your daughters cannot afford to have your relationship as their blueprint for their own relationships when adults. You do not want to leave them this particular legacy; for them to potentially go onto choose a controlling man just like their dad.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. Your H is no different.

Would you socialise more, enjoy a hobby, see your friends more if he wasn't like this and encouraged you instead? I suspect you would do, or at least 'would have done' you've been married for such a long time I bet you've modified your behaviour so you don't do the things that set him off as often as you'd like.

My ex was like this and you're right, it's suffocating. He used to think he was being funny by saying I'd shag the builder, but to me he wasn't being funny, he was being so disrespectful and it would upset me immensely. I'd also only go out with friends now and again, because it simply wasn't worth the hassle. He'd also drop me off and collect me, not out of kindness, it was a way of controlling me. Horrid horrid situation to be in. It also crept into my work place, if we had a new 'male' team member start, he 'joke' about me shagging him, it would also make work socials very difficult

It isn't because he's mad about you, it's because he's a jealous knob. Don't put up with this shit

Stop making excuses for him; “he’s a good dad” etc. Wake up and smell the coffee.

It’s not you it’s HIM!!!