He searched my messages ...

[ArthurMorgan]

I've done something really stupid, there's a backstory, I'll fill you in.

I've known a guy, I'll call him 'g'. For 20 years since I was 15. we always had a thing though nothing ever happened apart from kissing. We only ever saw eachother sporadically, like for 2 weeks hanging out and then not for 6 months / a year etc, and we never got together. I always thought I had feelings for him though.

When my DD was born, I hadn't spoken to g for about 3 years, but he messaged me and we started talking for a few days, nothing much at first but then it got sexual in nature, I didn't reciprocate but I didn't exactly stop him either, it's how he's always talked to me, I wasn't comfortable with it but I've never been assertive. He declared his love for me so I told him the truth that I had loved him for years but I'm in a relationship with a new baby and I was happy. That was the end of it... Except my dp read the messages, all of them. I didn't blame him for being angry with me at all and I told g what had happened, blocked him and that was that. I also deleted Facebook not long after.

I reinstated Facebook about 6 months ago, there's a lot of school stuff on there plus I was being insecure about being left out etc (needy I know).

I got a message from g about 2 weeks ago, small talk, how are you etc. I replied like "I'm alright how are you doing" etc. Nothing much. He asked about my mother (he knows her) I filled him in on that whole other issue, it was stressing me at the time he asked. He mentioned trying to kill himself 3 times and was in a bad car accident etc etc. I was sympathetic but it was very much a me me me conversation.
We ended up having a row because he started calling me out on blocking him for no reason previously and my dp is controlling (for stopping us talking) as well as some hurtful comments about me in general. I told him some home truths, he apologised, I said "ok whatever" and deleted the conversation as I was angry at him still. I had no intention of talking to him again but I was working up to deleting and blocking him as 4 people I know have killed themselves in the last 3 years and I literally couldn't take the blame for tipping him over the edge.

Dp checked my phone this morning whilst I was getting DD ready for school and saw a "?" Message from g. He's gone mental. Saying I'm a cheat, he's never trusted me and never will again, a really huge rant on whatsapp ( he's at work ). I've told him the truth about it all and apologised but he wants me to fuck off.

I know I shouldn't have replied to g but.. well I don't know. I do everything for DP, he works but is here a lot. He has depression and social anxiety so I've always looked after him. Apart from work I do everything else.. I've supported him and stuck by him through it all and he thinks this little of me that he checks my phone because I've been on it (playing lemmings usually...) When I've gone to bed early and he's come up and "caught me" ..his words. I know I'm out of order but I do feel really hurt ☹️

Arthur, you're not a joke. You've had a rough start, and do t have good boundaries in place. That means you'll often make mistakes that make things harder than they should be, and people will be on the look out to take advantage.

Have a fresh start, concentrating on you and your daughter.

OP, I am guessing people were treating you like shit for a long time, you got used to it and you're very accepting of their behaviour because you think you don't deserve better.

Yes, you've acted badly, but I think you're desperate for some love and affection.

You need to understand you DO deserve better. What these people give you isn't real. You need someone who truly cares for you. But first you need to recognise that you are worthy and strong enough to stand on your own two feet and go for it. Don't get hung up on another dickhead, that's the last thing you need. In time you'll meet someone who will complement you well, but you need to recognise your own worth first.

G has played you . He is extremely manipulative , the whole I’ve tried to kill my self and I was in a terrible car accident is designed to make you worry and stress and stay in contact with him , and it worked a treat . Nothing good can possibly come of this situation, you need, for your own sanity to block him , once and for all. He needs to stay blocked too .
Having said that your DH sounds vile , he goes through your phone ,he didn’t talk to you on holiday because you cut your hair short and he was embarrassed about being with you . Fuck that , I swear on my life I would have come home early and started divorce process the next day . What a cunt . As others have said ,you need to move forward ,on your own , without either of these disgusting people in your life . Make your best life , for you and your DD. Don’t let your toxic relationship with your DH be the one that teaches her about her future relationships with men , where she learns that being on the receiving end of abuse is normal .
You were very unwise to keep up the messaging , but you already know that . Just learn from your mistakes , or it’s all been for nothing

If your partner is abusive then you are much better off out of it anyway.

Agree if the sexes were reversed then you'd be told to LTB. You seem aggrieved that he found out rather than sorry for risking your relationship.

G doesn't sound much better either - berating you for blocking him 'for no reason' and threatening suicide, not respecting your boundaries are all abusivw behaviours.

"You're all right. All of you. I'm a mess mentally, my sil has said DP is abusive more than once, g is manipulative, my mum is controlling and abusive and has cut me out of her life. I have no friends except dps family and now they'll all rightly hate me as well. I'm literally going to have no one and nothing for the sake of some pretend emotional contact. I'm a joke. Thanks to all of you for saying it how it is. Definitely an eye opener."

Dear OP - it sounds like you've had an extremely difficult time over the years. That doesn't justify what happened with g but your partner doesn't sound like a keeper either. But the lack of loving family support has no doubt left you more willing to put up with a neglectful partner and left you open to approaches from g because at least then you have some attention.

You need to find ways to build your own social network so you can be independent of both these men. Do you work (sorry if I've missed the answer to that)? If so - how are your relationships with your colleagues? If you're not in paid employment, how about other opportunities for meeting people? Are there any groups or classes running which you can take your DD to - they can offer great opportunities for getting to know other parents? Or through school. And taking up a hobby is also a great way of getting to know other people. It's a bit difficult at the moment of course, but perhaps you can keep an eye on classes and activities so that you are aware when they start up again (there will surely come a time when activities will resume even if it's well into 2021...).

Thank you to those being so kind to me. Yes I guess I have been treated badly my whole life, when I was 12 I was raped in school by three sixth formers and it just escalated from there. I've made some really bad decisions and gone from bad relationship to bad relationship, I have literal scars from two of my exes and plenty of emotional ones as well. My mum wasn't around much and I had a lot to do with bringing up my brothers. I told her I was depressed when I was 15, she literally smashed the bathroom door to bits, threw some at me and kicked me out of the house, just for an example. Of course there's a lot more to tell but I'm waffling a bit. I just feel like I'm in a washing machine with loads of rocks and no matter how what I do I get pelted with another one. I've always tried my best to be a nice person and a good person but I'm always the one that's there for everyone else, I know a few pps said I'm a user but the only reason I don't have a job is because DP doesn't want me to have one, I work my arse off for him doing everything else but I'm so tired and so lonely. I know I've really screwed up and I'm holding my hands to that. I don't want any one to feel sorry for me or anything but maybe it explains my actions a bit more. Maybe not.

I am listening though

Can you not see the pattern OP? You put up with the crap of these men and get nothing but abuse in return, yet you’re the one expected to take their crap.

It might not feel like it now but this is an opportunity to stop being a doormat. What’s done is done, acknowledge it and take the steps (counselling) so that it doesn’t happen again. As for your partner, you’ve only given him more ammunition to be unkind but you can start being kind to yourself and stop being so accepting of your miserable circumstance.

It may seem harsh, but you need to look at getting out of that washing machine. You have invited those rocks into your life.

Stop, breathe, have a think, and work out what you need to do to get out of the drum. Women's aid may be able to help. Many things which you are struggling with will become easier if you can get rid of some of the rubbish in your life.

OP. On reading your updates, I'd like to apologise for my harsh and judgemental post! I'm so sorry!

No, your actions weren't great and you were naive to think g. was going to be emotionally supportive.

But bloody hell, your partner is a wanker of the first order! And your relationship is dysfunctional at best and abusive at worst. I suspect it's much more abusive than you're letting on here (or even to your sil) as minimising is a survival instinct for many when being abused.

You are not a joke, you are a vulnerable woman who had a childhood of abuse and now a controlling abusive partner.

There are ways to get help: financial and emotional. Contact Woman's Aid. Educate yourself on abusive relationships and how isolation and low self esteem are part of that dynamic.

This does not have to be your life! You are worth more than this awful relationship. You can have a better life!

Again my apologies. I should know better than to make snap judgements on a first post.

This is why I asked you about your childhood.

Its absolutely not your fault that your mother was abusive towards you as a child; that is all on her. None of that was your fault in any way. I note now she has cut you out of her life; I would consider that action a lucky escape from her and also saves you having to do the job.

Please get counselling re your mother and all these abusive relationships since right up till present day; its all interlinked here. You deserve a better life going forward and for that matter so does your DD. Re counselling I would suggest you contact NAPAC and Womens Aid (enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme would I think be of benefit to you)

napac.org.uk/

Thank you all so much, I was ready for a lot of hate but having kindness from you has really screwed me up (in a good way obv...) I need to clean myself up and get DD from school but I'll check in later on. Thanks again x

@ArthurMorgan Your words about the washing machine full of rocks have really struck a chord with me. I know how you're feeling. You've ended up in a vicious circle because some events from your past have made you vulnerable and you were left unsupported and misunderstood.

Firstly, you're stronger than you think you are because you've gone through all this and you're still here. Give yourself credit for that. You deserve that credit.

Secondly, you are brave enough and empowered to change things. You and only you. You need to press the stop button on that washing machine asap. Water might spill once the door is open and some rocks might fall out behind you and your DD. Don't look back. Get yourself the hell out of this spin asap. Get as much professional/charity support as you can get to get you on your feet. Then focus on getting a job. You will gradually meet new people and form new relationships in life. It's how it goes. I'd go NC with G and the toxic people in your life. Your DH presumably will need to stay in your life to have contact with DD, but you'll put an arrangement in place and stay in contact only regarding her. Firm boundaries.

It won't be easy. But it will be so worth it. Do it for yourself, for once. And for your DD. Good luck

Echo PP in saying neither of these men are worth keeping in your life. Good luck OP.

OP, did you get any support after you were raped? I'm so sorry you have experienced this and that you're now in an abusive relationship. G is no better for you as he rolls over boundaries.

Please speak to Rape Crisis and Women's Aid and get some support for yourself.

Neither one of these men are good for you. I’m aghast at your DP behavior.

I’m sorry for everything you have been through. I’m a true believer that things that happen in your past shape who you are today and how you manage situations. You need to get into some counseling.

i would leave you if I was your DP

never mind DP leaving you, i hope you find the courage to leave him, he sounds horrible

Look after yourself OP and give yourself a break

There is no way on this planet I would allow a man to talk to me in that way and not cut it off immediately.
Sorry, you're in the wrong.

I have just read the full thread. And it seems like you really have been through the wars. The rape at 12 sounds absolutely terrible and I wish I was there to protect you. Bloody awful. It also sounds like your husband or partner is abusive and controlling. I am sorry you're going through something like that and I wish you had eople to get you through. I don't have any friends myself. I mean, I have a couple of people say hello to me on the school run but I lost a lot of friends when I became Muslim and family too. And others just drifted apart. My only best friend now is God, my husband and my children and I feel so blessed to have them because I too had a horrible childhood and a young adulthood where I suffered horrendous things myself. But God got me through it all and now I am in a much better place.

First things first, you are not rubbish and fat. If you want to lose weight because you are overweight, do it for you and not to please anyone else.
Secondly, cut all ties with this G character. He is manipulating and sounds nasty. You should never allow anyone to talk to you sexually unless it's your husband. You should have cut him off and block him so I understand your partner being angry at that. However he himself doesn't seem like the right one for you. He sounds like a total nut. Is the father to your children and how many do you have? You need to break out of this abusive relationship or have strong words that you're sorry and you didn't mean for g to contact you in this way. Also show him that the way he treats you is not OK. If he thinks that it is acceptable then you have to move on. You are worth more.

People will come and go in your life. I too, am no contact with my mother and its better that way for my own mental health.

Stay strong and stay positive. Please don't have any more contact witj this g or other weird men.

Hi OP. You sound really unhappy and, from an outsider’s perspective, extremely hard on yourself. Hope it’s helped to write it all down (and that you can ignore the more judgemental posts) - maybe you can now see, even if neediness clouds your view, that G has manipulated you and isn’t really worth your efforts. It also sounds as if your partner might be no great loss to your life. Take things a day at a time, look after your dd and see if you can work out ways to build up your self esteem.

@squeakyjoint click 'see all' on the OP's post

Are you ok? You didn’t come back to the thread. Neither of these men are good for you. There is a very unhealthy co-dependence between you and your partner. You need to learn good boundaries and how to be an adult. The best way to do this is through therapy. It sounds as if you weren’t given any guidance or love.

Yes, you did a stupid thing. Be kind to yourself. What would you do if this was your daughter, who’d done what you did? You’d cuddle and love her, take care of her. This is what you need to do to you.

And on the practical side? If he really is kicking you out, you will need to present at the council as homeless.

Hi everyone, sorry for not coming back to the thread yesterday.

I've made a decision to leave, truth is I've wanted to leave for a long time now. Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and helpful, I really didn't expect that.

To answer a few questions, I didn't receive any help after what happened in school, I didn't tell anyone about it. However, the girlfriend (who already took a disliking to me) had found out somehow that I "shagged" her boyfriend "guy 1" so it was around the school in a shot that I was a slut among other things and I got really badly bullied for years after that. I was on the school bus once and someone set my hair on fire with an aerosol and a lighter... Just to put some context to the level of bullying there.

I lived in a small village and I saw the three of them quite a lot walking about what have you which was hard, though when I walked in to my house and my mum was sat at the table with "guy 2" because he's now part of her party crowd, I could have thrown up on the spot. She also tried to set me up with him a couple of times and really couldn't get over the fact I couldn't stand him given that he's brilliant and all....
I haven't lived there for years now but when I did visit my mother still I'd see them occasionally in passing and what have you. Guy 2 and guy 3 are married with kids now. Guy 1 is in prison for something violent from what I've heard.

I know my life has been a pattern and I do plan on putting a stop to it now. I thought I was doing ok in life but obviously not. I have zero intention of ever speaking to g again. It's clear he's just as bad as everyone else.

Dp isn't a monster or anything but there is definitely emotional abuse there. I've known it for years and things have been getting better rather than worse but the thought of DD being in a relationship like mine, kills me. So it's definitely time to leave.

Thank you all so much, yesterday was an horrendous day for me but today I feel calm and like I know what to do now.