EXH holidays/weekends with kids and OW

[Cherrypie80]

First time poster here but have gained quite a lot of comfort and advice from reading others.

I’ve been separated 3 years, but divorced just a few months after a horrific acrimonious divorce, financial and child side. Relieved things are now sorted and I can get back on my feet but it’s been an emotional rollercoaster for me as I was totally blindsided.

Ex has played to the script; the “I’m unhappy” totally out of the blue after 20 years = affair with a known friend that he tried to hide and lied about since - to the solicitors, to everyone, despite leaving a financial trail to her house the week after he left and had to disclose a holiday with his “friend” during court proceedings because I had to cover his childcare duties. OW was a family friend and her partner at the time (also my friend) confirmed their affair early on. Point blank refused to agree to a divorce based on adultery and pushed for all his financial needs based on him being single.

OW has been “hidden” from the children until the divorce came through so I’ve not had to deal with this side until now that she has miraculously appeared. He’s since taken the children to the OW’s parents home, taken them on Summer holidays with the OW and her family.

I am fully expecting him to buy a property with the OW too. Both are high earners.

Not once has he admitted what he’s done (to this day or admitted he’s in a relationship) and been utterly horrific to me since the day he left. Like he’d been wearing a mask for 20 years and i don’t recognise him at all. He came from very (very!) modest background and me and my family have helped him get to where he is today (we even got him his job!). I lost my shine to him I suppose becoming a mum and freelance - OW is in a suited job he admires and I thinks he sees her and her family as the next rung up the social ladder.

I’ve had to swallow A LOT but have come to accept the situation, and try and be thankful for what I have although I’m in a much worse position financially etc.

The issue i’m struggling with is the children 5 & 8 who I’ve kept such a brave face on for. Not once have i bad mouthed Exh and OW to them and appeared happy to hear about their weekends away with their dad (and now the OW). I’m some ways I’m happy the children are having a good time and they don’t need to worry about sharing their experiences with me. I’m happy they are safe and looked after. I want to put their emotional needs before mine.

But my god it STINGS. I’ve just been told he’s taking them away for Christmas. It floors me every time I hear it.

Of course he’s only able to do this as he’s piggybacking onto her family’s wealth, but the fact she is the OW (and known to me) and they seem to have got everything they wanted. She admitted years ago she had a thing for him. The betrayal is off the chart.

She can have my scummy ExH (you don't know a person until you divorce them!) but I’m finding it so hard to accept their happy family weekends and holidays, like I’m being replaced or what i have to offer won’t be enough or can compete with.

How do i cope with this now and what seems like the next 10 years of coparenting?

Sorry for the long post.

Go back into counselling as it gives you a way to offload and cope with somebody who’s on your side and not judgey. The way you deal is to build up yourself and your life. You win by not taking part in the race. You’re their mum. He brilliant. Be loving. Be honest. Be their safe place. Do things like know their favourite colour and what makes them tick. Decorate their room with things they love not what you love (which is what a scummy ex would do). Get a dog? Do opposite of luxury holidays or whatever they are doing. Get a campervan and make that your thing. Let them get dirty and build fires. Go back to nature and basics. Start building a scrap book for each of them with “mummy and me” memories. For the future. You beat these liars by being genuine and kind and wonderful and charitable. Sponsor their favourite animal for each of them for Christmas. That kind of thing. Create talking points. He might be Disney dad but you have their souls

@FedUpAtHomeTroels no we take turns at Christmas. it’s his turn this year and has just informed me of their plans. Which sounds absolutely lovely. I get them back a day after boxing day and will have planned in as much as i can for them. But won’t be some luxury castle or whatever he’s doing.

@FrenchBoul It’s all very business-like in managing the children now. We do most of the handovers at school so we have little direct contact. this help a lot. He dragged me through the child court which was unnecessary (over one half day!) and expensive but was a stress tactic he used to unnerve me for the financials - my solicitor pointed this out as something the happens. But actually the black and white agreement that came from it has been priceless as there can be no arguments.

@Flittingaboutagain ha ha how long have you got?! I think it’s best not to get too angry at OW, it doesn’t help me. i think as it was a long, hideous divorce, the adrenaline that powered me though has ended so I think you’re right. Some of the emotions are bubbling up.

@cheeseismydownfall They are super young so protection is appropriate now. If they were 12+ or more and had questions i would have to approach it in an age appropriate way. I would never lie to them if they had questions later on and i do worry about his “narrative” as he is a master of manipulation. I hope I maintain a relationship with them that they will trust and respect me. Sadly, it doesn't always work out like that.

@mallorytower Crying! Yes all of those things are very me. I took them camping this year after they came back from a posh holiday and they said they had the best time with me toasting marshmallows and being silly.

Gosh thank you all. it helps so much by being able to talk about it. Can't believe i lurked for so long.

Well I think it sounds like you are doing an truly amazing job in the face of unbelievably bad behaviour OP, and you should give yourself an massive pat on the back and hold your head high (whilst justifiably venting on mumsnet when needed).

It isn't just about narrative, is it? It's also about how well you get on with your mum and dad. But that isn't a competition either, even if divorce can make it feel that way at times!

It's infuriating isnt it...similarish story in the fact acrimonious, lying scumbag in court, now introducing someone else to the children. It's hard, on one hand if she is nice to my children then Thank God for that, but on the other, innate fear your children will want to be in a 'family' rather than just with you. I have no solutions, but i understand xx

@thenorthener Common isn't it :( I like the fact that they are well looked after when not with me, but I know I'm enough. I do worry about them being "bought", even more so when they are older, or being dazzled by the opportunities i may not be able to compete with. But ex is generally cold and businesslike, much like the OW, and i'll always be there with the hugs, hot chocolate and silly adventures.

I do try and remember it is better that they are wanted, shared and I think she'll be nice to them on the whole (I know her as she was the partner and Step mum to my friend's little one - she was fine until she'd had enough then skulked off to her room). Better that than be worried about them being neglected or treated badly. Ex is a cold tool but I trust him totally when they are in his care. I know friends where they are coparenting with alcoholics etc and can't relax at all.

It's so unfair OP and how bloody dare they, all of it from the betrayal to the lies to the stress of dragging you through court and the worst divorce. How dare they.

Vent on here because amazingly you are some higher power and are managing not to vent in front of your kids.

I would find it incredibly difficult.

You may think that they'll enjoy the posh, expensive lifestyle holidays that your ex can provide, and you can't, but don't for one minute believe that. Kids are ace and couldn't give two hoots about money and status. As you've already said, they are happier camping and roasting marshmallows than sat in a posh hotel.

But you're right it does sting, and your reaction to it is completely normal. I hated my ex with a passion, but it still stung when he remarried.

I know it sounds corny, but a life well lived is the best revenge. And if he's a social climber like you say, he'll be onto his next victim before long. Or if not, then the best of luck to the pair of gas lighters and cheaters. May they both sleep with one eye open and their mobile phone passcodes memorised

Honestly?

Therapy if you can afford it. And good friends.
Grief it. Process it and one day you will wake up and your life will be so different.
That's my best advice.
It can only get better.

Grieve it I meant

I would try and use the time the DC are with their dad for hobbies, gym or anything fun.

The only revenge that is worth having is to live better without him than you did whilst you are with him.

I know it’s sad that he turned out to be such a weak social climbing asshole but as others have said work hard on getting over it and giving yourself permission to have some fun and maybe look to see how you can yourself a bit of a life makeover to freshen things up a bit, new clothes, new decorating, new activities and do some fun stuff with the kids that you wouldn’t normally do.

I think it’s a very normal feeling to feel very hurt and pained by this, even though you know your ex is a total jerk. I think it’s part of it is mourning a life that you won’t have with him, which is obvs for the best, but emotions are not orderly things.

I think allow yourself to be annoyed, sad, resentful. This is the only way you can let it pass in my experience. Don’t deny yourself your feelings, they are valid - sit in them and then see you can let them go. And also know that it won’t always feel like this, time will definitely help.

Wishing you the best op you sound very strong, sending you some

Oh and I forgot to say - therapy if you can afford it! It was essential for me

Start putting yourself first.
Is there anything you'd really like to do just for yourself ? Do it.
Here are the positives :
1)You discovered your dh is a tosser and are rid of him forever
2) you have lovely children from the marriage
3) tosser ex still wants a relationship with his children
4) so does his new gf

These are all positive things for you to dwell on. Good luck
2) he has a new partner

Thanks everyone. Oh I do relish my free weekends! Silver lining to divorce in some ways. I have a lovely boyfriend (turns out they make some men kind, thoughtful, loving and genuine!!) and we go and do lovely things together. I have a strong hobby I love to do too. Ive always had a strong sense of self as well as being a mother.

Although I haven't forgiven, I have made peace as much as can at this stage for what's happened. I still get annoyed. Mainly when I get comms (ie, could I swap a weekend with him as he has plans... But if I ask I get told to stick to the order, so I think this anger is justified!). Agree there is still a way to go with deal with it fully as it shouldn't be in my head as much as it still is. I come from hardly functioning in the first few months so feel I have moved forward.

I suppose it's just the new thing of having to cope with the children away now they are spending their weekends with both of them rather than just their dad. And the realisation that this is the situation with the children and I'm going to have to find a way to accept it.

Hi OP,

I've shared this before on other similar threads.

I want to come at this from a different angle for you if I may. From the angle of the child.

Admittedly my dad didn't cheat, my parents split without any other party and this was a couple of years afterwards so there wasn't the added upset of it being the OW.

But my dad's new partner was very very well off. Big house, nice cars, fancy holidays, impressive job. She spoilt me a lot. She would buy me expensive things, take me to amazing places, get tickets to big events for me and my friends. And me being a kid obviously thought that was so cool, couldn't wait to tell my mum all about my weekend or what I'd been up to. I'm sure looking through my adult eyes now that it upset her, that she worried about similar things to you, not being able to afford the same, me having a better time there etc..

But please please let me stress that my mum was my world. As cool as I thought my dad's girlfriend was, as much as I liked her, there was never a day where she took my mum's place. She could never have bought that from me. I would still love nothing more than sitting with my mum on the sofa watching films together or laughing and doing crafts or going to the park. I would never have gone to anyone else when I needed a cuddle or for comfort or to talk. My mum was my mum. She didn't need to buy me fancy things or take me on expensive trips. I loved her so much, more than any of that.

You have something that can't be taken away by nice holidays and fancy things. You are your babies mummy. That counts for so much x

@WallowMallow your message is so, so lovely and one that I think many women need to read. Your love for your mom shines through.

OP, I actually think time is a healer, carry on doing what you are doing, enjoying life. One day you will realise you haven't thought of either of their actions for a while. DD's DF has had a few partners and (without the cheating issue) it can sting if they do things that you wanted to do with them. But as time went on, I was genuinely interested in what DD had been up to with him and how much fun they had, I was really happy as she was.

That's a real comfort @WallowMallow thank you

If he won't swap, don't ask him. But if he asks you to swap have a weekend or two in your back pocket. When he asks to swap say you can only do it if he swaps for x weekend. If he can't, then you can't either. It's the only way i could ever get my ex to swap weekends

@lilylongjohn I don't really ask. I learned not to bother. I also arrange myself around the children!

Funny as I said I would swap to keep the peace (it's the OWs birthday!) and suggested an alternative, to which he replied wasn't convenient for him! I honestly can't win with him! This is what I'm dealing with - a lot of deep breaths.

Stop accommodating this prick then. If he’s so uncooperative then treat him the same. No swaps as it’s inconvenient and fuck the peace.

Excuse my language but he’s still treating you like shit.

I hate this type of people,all for taking,nothing to give. No,just no.

@WallowMallow nicely put 🙂

Just stick to the order and start saying no. He just assumes you’re a total pushover because you have been. Stop enabling this perception.