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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pregnant with abusive DH

4 replies

floridaorangejuice · 05/10/2020 09:00

After some legal and practical advice please. I am 23 weeks pregnant with my second and live in DH's home town where our first (toddler age) was born. My parents live in a country in the EU and the rest of my family live a 5 hour drive away.

Things with DH have not been great for a while, but last night things came to a head and now I want to leave him. He is verbally abusive and last night got so angry that I thought he would hit me at one point. He has never hit me before but has come close. I am safe as I have family arriving today to stay for a few days.

I want to leave but I don't want to stay in DH's home town. I would ideally like to go and stay with my parents in their EU country whilst I'm on maternity leave until I figure out what I want to do and where I want to live. DH will fight to keep child here I'm sure. We both work full time, I can WFH and he can't. I feel so lost and have no idea what to do next.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 05/10/2020 09:18

He might be able to stop you moving to the EU country, but he can't stop you moving 5 hours away, to start with at least.

I would go to your family and have that as a starting point.

Leave and go to them 'to stay'. Don't hint that it's a permanent thing. Make it clear that it's his abuse that's caused this, and make this public. Ask advice from police, HV, GP. Basically get as much of a record as you can on his abuse. This will help you fight any move from him to make you move closer.

Once you've been staying with your family for a few weeks, make moves to stay - register with GP, get a place. It is very very unlikely that once you're settled, he will be able to make you move back. He could take you to court to get access, but especially while pregnant, travelling is likely to be his problem.

Then wait and see how he deals with this. Ignore promises to change of course. You might be able to come to a working arrangement and feel happy enough to stay here, once you are a long way from him, especially if he steps up, is reasonable, arranges contact and stops bullying, and shows commitment to your DC. You might then think about moving closer for DC sake if he steps up to be a reasonable dad and co-parent.

What is more likely is that he will either a. not be reasonable at all and be abusive or b. lose interest and move on with his life, especially with such young children.

If the latter happens, you might well be able to eventually negotiate with him to move to your parents, e.g. by agreeing on regular visits that you fund and waiving maintenance. I've known someone this worked well for. She knew, though, that she wasn't taking DC away from a loving dad, but a lazy, mildly abusive, and completely uncaring one.

FelicityPike · 05/10/2020 09:21

Is your older child his too?
If not, move to your parents before the baby is born.
If DC is his then move to live with your family.

Dery · 05/10/2020 09:27

I agree with Fizzy - don't try to take your toddler abroad at this point. You could end up being pursued under the Hague Convention for child abduction: www.iflg.uk.com/faqs/child-abduction. As PP have said on other threads - the risk of that is real not theoretical.

I can see how the support of your parents would be very welcome at this time. Could your parents come to stay with your family members who are 5 hours away or perhaps in a hotel nearby? And then you go and stay there to. Of course, COVID-19 restrictions may be a problem here - but you are not personally constrained by them because you are fleeing domestic violence and they do not apply in those circumstances.

As Fizzy has said (Fizzy always gives terrific advice) - don't tell your H it's permanent - just say you are making the visit while you are still on mat leave and able to do so. Then start making the necessary arrangements while you are away from him so that you need never go back.

Do you have anyone you can talk to IRL? Keep posting here for support also.

Lalaloveyou2020 · 05/10/2020 14:21

I would get legal advice. Could you work in other EU country? Might be a good idea to have baby born there if your eventual plan is to settle there. Anyway. Legal advice.

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