Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slow repliers on dating apps

35 replies

Leopardspotlegs · 04/10/2020 22:28

I’ve been single for a couple of months now and recently joined Hinge. Before that I was in a long term relationship and so have never really used any dating app before. I’m talking to a guy now and he takes about 24 hours to respond to any message - last week he asked to meet for a drink this week, but aside from that he seems very unbothered. If I respond to his message I won’t hear anything for 24 hours and he will maybe then reply without any questions. Shall I just bin him off? He’s messaged now and part of me thinks I should just reply rather than forcing myself to wait until the morning, I can’t be arsed with playing games.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 05/10/2020 00:27

I had exactly the same thing with a guy on Tinder. I’d get a message in the morning to which I’d immediately reply, then I would get a response until much later that night or the following day. I unmatched this evening as I suspect the delayed response mean he is unable to use the app at the time which to me spells married or in a LTR.

DoWahDiddy · 05/10/2020 07:37

He asked you out for a drink and your response was?

Yet you don't wanna play games!

[starts stopwatch to see how long it takes you to reply to this message!]

DillonPanthersTexas · 05/10/2020 07:51

Maybe online dating is not central to his life. Personally when I was dating I tended to respond to messages after work in the evenings when I had the time to compose a thoughtful message.

Everywherethatmarywent · 05/10/2020 07:57

The thing with OLD dating is they are probably already talking to 3/4 other women. It’s like a sweet shop and they can pick and choose who and when to respond to because they are spoilt for choice.

Also I’d put money on it that many men are actually married and just looking for someone to talk to and give them a ego boost not actually wanting a real life girlfriend

gindinner · 05/10/2020 08:02

If you want to respond quickly then do so, but don't get annoyed just because he takes time to respond. And do. It send message after message trying to push him to respond - that is extremely annoying. I don't have a lot of time to text, and usually just get rid of the ones that constantly text and expect immediate responses.

gindinner · 05/10/2020 08:03

And if you're not taking to more than one potential date, why ever not?

Srslydontgiveacrap · 05/10/2020 08:55

Good god, people don't live on these apps you know! I think responding 24 hours later is perfectly normal.

TheBlueStocking · 05/10/2020 08:57

I don't tend to have notifications on for dating apps because they send you a million push messages if you do. So it could be that? I take ages to reply because I am busy a lot.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 05/10/2020 08:58

@Everywherethatmarywent

The thing with OLD dating is they are probably already talking to 3/4 other women. It’s like a sweet shop and they can pick and choose who and when to respond to because they are spoilt for choice.

Also I’d put money on it that many men are actually married and just looking for someone to talk to and give them a ego boost not actually wanting a real life girlfriend

There's nothing to stop OP talking to 3/4 people - honestly, I think that is normal.
DillonPanthersTexas · 05/10/2020 09:26

There's nothing to stop OP talking to 3/4 people - honestly, I think that is normal

It was certainly normal when I was OLD. When I want on a first date with someone I always assumed they were chatting with other men and would continue to do so up until you had been on a number of dates with each other.

Teedeepie · 05/10/2020 09:59

I met my partner through Tinder and after matching he didn’t contact me for about a week or so (I know maybe I should have messaged him but at that point I was so fed up with the whole process).

And refreshingly the delay was because he wasn’t on the app all the time and he had as little faith in OLD as me therefore didn’t check it much. Mind you once we started chatting it was a few messages a day and we made plans and met within a week.

In our case it was a good sign as he wasn’t chatting to multiples and enjoying the “kid in a sweet shop” scenario.

But only you know if he seems interested in developing it further.

It could just be he has a busy fulfilling life rather than a partner but I would make firm plans to meet as soon as you can. If he can’t be arsed or commit to that, move on!!!

Lampan · 05/10/2020 10:03

I would only log onto Tinder once or twice a day and then send out a batch of replies. Though I wasn’t really bothered to meet with anyone. I would have replied more quickly to any matches that looked really promising. So yes, his delays can be explained but it’s also likely that he’s someone who isn’t very invested.
If you have planned to meet for a drink then there’s probably not much to say in the meantime? But whatever you do, don’t start playing games. If he messages, message back when you see his reply. If that puts him off then he’s a waste of your time anyway.

JimmyJabs · 05/10/2020 10:05

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here. If you're not used to OLD, you won't know what constitutes a normal response time! I would look more at what he's saying and how he's saying it than how long it takes him to send it. Does he appear interested and are they messages you can actually reply to, iyswim, or are you getting fairly non-committal one-liners?

It's impossible to say if he's just very busy or if he's keeping you dangling because he's playing games, but if it's the latter, I would look out for flirty messages that are not followed up with actual suggestions to meet up. I was chatting with a guy on Tinder recently who was making noises about going on a walk together, meeting each other's pets etc, but when I suggested that we make a date of it, he vanished! Some men only want the ego boost of the positive attention and have no intention of taking it further.

Lweji · 05/10/2020 10:09

Delayed for me would be more than 24h.

What did you reply to the drinks request?

Original poster
Leopardspotlegs · 05/10/2020 10:32

I said yes to drinks but we didn’t set a date! I don’t want to ask now, will wait for him to reach out although I’ve got a feeling he won’t. I’m certainly not expecting loads of messages as I know he’s someone I have never met and he has no obligation to me whatsoever... but we only live a mile from each other, wish we could just go for a quick drink! Online dating really is so draining and disheartening.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/10/2020 10:36

So, you said yes without a follow up question and you're complaining about the same about him?

What has he said in the last message?

Rockinmomma · 05/10/2020 10:45

Why are you waiting for a reply? If you want to set a date then ask.
This is the problem with OLD, always double guessing and over analysing msgs. If you want to msg someone than do!
I spent virtually all of lock down on dating apps and everyone is different, no chat is the same. Sometimes you know you’ll get on with someone sometimes you don’t. Some people chat a lot and some don’t. It’s really down to your needs

JimmyJabs · 05/10/2020 11:01

In fairness to the OP, it's difficult to set a date when one party is only replying every 24 hours. OP - could you send one last message suggesting an actual date to meet, and if he doesn't reply in kind or continues to be a bit vague, then you can assume he's not all that interested and focus your energies elsewhere.

seensome · 05/10/2020 13:25

If he doesn't meet your style of messaging then bin him off.
In my experience if they are genuinely interested then they don't take long to reply.

wobblywinelover · 05/10/2020 13:31

I'm more concerned about the fact he doesn't seem to be asking you anything about yourself. It all sounds rather lazy. I would be hoping for a bit more communication and motivation to go for this drink, but he sounds like a flaker or someone who has several women on the go, if he's actually single at all.

Bin him off - his loss!

Original poster
Leopardspotlegs · 06/10/2020 09:00

**Update

I messaged him and said do you still want to go for a drink. He replied quickly saying ‘sure maybe Thursday?’ I said yes where, he suggested a bar, I said that sounds nice and then... nothing. No more messages! Am I reading too much into things? I have a feeling it will get to Thursday and he will cancel.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/10/2020 09:04

Just tell him what time you'd like to meet and confirm the day before or the same morning.

I'd think the best thing is to try and meet ASAP and see if there's anything there.

I'm not someone who texts a lot, or at all, and my bf has previously complained that I leave the conversation without saying bye. Because I don't see messaging as a proper conversation most times. People reply when they can or want.

Meet him. See how it goes.

jamaisjedors · 06/10/2020 09:04

Have you exchanged phone numbers?

That's what I did when I got to the stage of meeting up, a lot easier to chat via whatsapp or whatever rather than on the app I found.

You can easily block if you don't follow up or if he is dodgy.

Opentooffers · 06/10/2020 09:18

If messaging just via app I'd give it a day or 2 for a reply as it's not like having a conversation, it's not chat, plus I'm not on it everyday day as work shifts. Kinda treat it as email almost. When got to meeting stage usual to move to WhatsApp or messenger.

JimmyJabs · 06/10/2020 10:21

Yeah, maybe message him on Wednesday evening saying "Still on for tomorrow? Shall we say 7pm at the bar you suggested?" (Or whatever). If he usually messages in the evening, don't send it on Thursday morning, as there's a fair chance he won't see it. If you get a reply, great - if not, you'll have your answer! At that point, I wouldn't feel inclined to give any more chances - as pp have said, if he's genuinely interested, he will be making every effort to meet up and move things away from the messaging stage.