I can't make him leave a house owned as jointly can I?

[BreathlessCommotion]

I'm just checking. Briefly, a history of emotional l abuse, he has changed (but only cos I said I was leaving).

In reflection I still want to end the marriage. We jointly own our house. We have two children, one has ASD. I have been looking at places to rent, but we have a dog (and two cats) and the kids would be devastated if we couldn't take her. Dh doesn't exactly get on that well with the dog.

In a couple of years I could afford to buy him out and remortgage (when current mortgage ends) I might be able to do it before then. He is unlikely to be able to do the same (I earn more than him). I don't think he would leave voluntarily, but I'm worried about leaving the dog and think realistically I will end up doing more of the contact time.

But I can't make him leave can I?

The national number's at the top of this page which also has useful advice, sorry I didn't post the link earlier:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Or you can google your local service by searching on your council or town plus domestic abuse.

If you're worried about being overheard you can go to Boots and ask for their confidential phone room, under a scheme started in lockdown:

"Posters and small shelf cards telling people a safe space for domestic abuse support is available will be placed in the 2,400 stores UK-wide.
..... anyone will be able to ask a pharmacist if they can use a consultation room, with no questions asked."

I was in the same boat, but I found my exH was having an affair and through that was able to say he'd have to stay with relatives. I put up with passive aggressive control and manipulation for years because I worried about not seeing DCs every day and what he'd be like to them. Actually, although I miss them when they are away, it's a couple of days a week and over 5 years I now have a reliable partner and happier life. He is a better dad seeing them fewer days and they don't see him being angry at me. It felt awful to go through as DCs were upset, but at the same time liberating to be able to be me again. We can't directly communicate as his anger to me didn't stop, but I have learnt over years how to put barriers in communication (e.g. drop off and pick ups through school). Change can be hard to push through, but being free from manipulation is worth more than words can say.

@NeverTwerkNaked our eldest is on a waiting list for counselling. Ds2 is already doing lots of therapy for various developmental delays. They're all in early primary school, so still little. Unfortunately the country we live in is very pro 50/50 care so good chance he'll end up with that. I'm getting supports in place and slowly getting there. I know what I need to do, but thinking of all the things that would need to happen to unwind our life together, thinking of the boys not having me around everyday, it feels overwhelmingly hard. I'm trying to take little steps till it feels less scary. I don't want to take over OPs thread, her post sounded so familiar, I meant to just say i understsand where she is. And maybe counselling would help give her some clarity.

I will contact someone, thank you. I think I've always felt like I don't deserve that sort of advice or help as he's never been violent.

I've often wished he would have an affair so that I could kick him out. That's bonkers. I don't even hate him and think we could coparent very well. He's much better with the dc now than he was. And he would benefit from seeing them in smaller amounts.

The term domestic violence includes emotional "violence", the kind which underpins all forms of abuse and has been shown to have the longest-lasting effects.

You are entitled to advice and support.

@BreathlessCommotion

I don't know whay I can't just make a decision. I've been considering leaving him for years now. But I always end up staying. I wish I knew what the right decision was. Sorry I sound completely pathetic!

Not at all.. it's hard!

No you cannot evict somebody from their own house.

No one's talking about permanently evicting him, but he could be excluded for a length of time (as I understand it), via an occupancy order.

I've read the bit about trauma bonding in Lundy Bancroft, it makes so much sense. Tomorrow I have some time to phone the DV helpline.

I'm not evicted him, but I can afford to remortgage and buy him out as I earn more. He couldn't do the same for me.

Pye, that's not quite true. If there are grounds for a restraining order you can - a solicitor can advise on that.

Yes there are ways that a violent partner can be evited from a house, the obvious one in this situation is an occupancy order which can be obtained from a family court often alongside a non molestation order. I got one and it has stopped my ex returning (and I got a restraining order when he was convicted for assault). NCDV www.ncdv.org.uk/ will help write the orders for free or if money is less of a challenge a solicitor can represent you which is an easier option.
You can also get a restraining order, which in my case the prosecution applied for. There are also domestic violence protection orders.
These do evict someone.

@BreathlessCommotion

I will contact someone, thank you. I think I've always felt like I don't deserve that sort of advice or help as he's never been violent.

I've often wished he would have an affair so that I could kick him out. That's bonkers. I don't even hate him and think we could coparent very well. He's much better with the dc now than he was. And he would benefit from seeing them in smaller amounts.

You wouldn't have been able to legally kick him out after an affair either!

I've had the same thought. Wishing he'd have an affair or do something concrete that would break out impasse. When I see posts saying DH/DP left I think why can't mine do that.

I was thinking about your post, what you said about him saying he can't change the past. When you bring up that it still hurts you and you feel on edge wondering if he'll change back does he say anything other then he can't change the past? Does he acknowledge that this ongoing hurt is his responsibility or does he just expect you to get over it? If he just expects you to get over it he's still minimising the effect of his behaviour.

You don't owe him anything, you don't have to stay even if he's genuinely changed. But it sounds like he hasn't done the work to fix this, to break his angry abusive behaviour patterns like doing a perpetrators program or seeing someone that specialises in DV.
It sounds like he's just suppressed it and expected you to be over it.

Seek some legal advice as to what your rights may be. If the children are likely to stay with you most if the time, you can afford to buy him out, and stay in the house, then there is no reason (other than him.being an arse) why that can't happen. It may mean living together in the meantime.

I had some time in the house on my own today (we both wfh at moment) and I tried to ring the ndv helpline and I couldn't. Is that weird.

Do you mean you couldn't bring yourself to? In that case, not weird at all.

It feels like a massive step.

It is..... into a new and better world. Honestly.

Yeah, put number in but couldn't actually make myself make the call. I'll try again tomorrow.

You don't need to feel able to explain your concerns clearly. The person who answers the phone won't have an agenda, won't try and force you to do anything you don't want to.

Ashamed to say I'm still here and haven't spoken to dh. But he knows something is wrong as I am pulling away a bit. I went away for a couple of days with the dc and it was lovely. I feel so much better when I'm away from him.

But I cannot seem to get the words out of my mouth to tell him. If you knew me at work you wouldn't believe this about me.