Things parents said when i was a child

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My parents are good people and I do believe always did their absolute best. I know this...but It has taken me years to process some things said growing up. I wondered if anyone else has dealt with similar things and if so do you have any strategies?

Said I was a devil child (think this was when I wouldn’t sleep aged 7/8)
Mum often said why couldn’t I be like my sister or like my friends
Often pick out a friend she idolised from time to time and then would compare me to them, ie why can’t you be more relaxed like Emma
Said I almost broke up their marriage and knocked years off their lives and made them ill
Called me a show off for dancing to mtv and said my sister didn’t want to watch me prancing round the room so turn it off
Said they would worry if they died leaving me being there for my sister...but they wouldn’t worry the other way round as she was very supportive and kind to me
Often called me a weirdo if I was upset and crying
If I didn’t go to bed they would resort to violence and clumps of hair would be pulled out
No lock on bathroom door meant if dad was in a mood or angry about something he would barge in regardless to ask a question or shout
When studying for exams (for a job they told everyone about) they would often mock me if I asked if they could be quiet. They’d said they could do whatever they wanted in their home and so mum would often sing loudly or exercise on the landing near my room. If I asked for them to be quiet as I couldn’t concentrate they’d say it was time for me to move out and I was a controlling little hitler
All these things I was told at the time and since, happened because I was a very very difficult child apparently. Apparently I was wildly different to my sister and a nightmare to bring up, they didn’t know what they did to deserve it etc etc. I do remember feeling very insecure as a child, scared and anxious about life and I remember not going to bed and crying which caused my dad to drag me and hit me. Other than that I was quiet at school, did well, had good friends.

When I did move out and got on with my life, I was lots happier. I’m now called a guest in their house which I find pretty horrible. Relationship with them is good mostly now but often I cannot get these things out of my head. I’ve had and have therapy still and in the main I’ve got my head round these things and I can separate it out from my daily life. But it is hard and the thoughts sometimes come back.

Can anyone relate to this and does it keep getting better and easier?

I think it's as simple as "they had no right to behave like that". No idea when you were a child but dh's and my own memories go back to the 60s (his in this country, mine abroad), our own children were born in the 90s and the kind of behaviour you mention was by no means obligatory in either of those periods.

What you describe is petty and mean. There were plenty of people around who did not behave in petty and mean ways in those days. My IL's were kind and generous people and it shows in the way dh is comfortable in his skin. They also had basic manners, like not barging in on someone in the bathroom.

It's ok to feel you still appreciate your parents in other ways. If that is how you do feel. But that behaviour was not ok and they could have chosen otherwise. Plenty of people did.

Well your parents have some variety of personality disorders.

They are also abusers.

All I can suggest is counselling and NC/minimum contact.

You'll never change people like that or get them to see what they're like.

My parents are good people

Not from where I'm sitting.

It's ok to feel you still appreciate your parents in other ways. If that is how you do feel. But that behaviour was not ok and they could have chosen otherwise. Plenty of people did.

Exactly.

Have you ever tackled your parents over this?

It sounds like your sister was the golden child and you were the scapegoat.
As in she could do no wrong and no matter how you behaved you were blamed and put down. Unfortunately it's not an uncommon dynamic. You might find this thread useful www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread
The posters on here have lived through the same things as you. The way they treated you was not kind, was not being a good parent.

Yeah times are different now, I used to get a smacked bottom for being naughty and they'd swear more. But what you are describing isn't normal!
It really really isn't, they may have been nice at times but they were abusive. Clumps of hair , dad coming into shout at daughters in bathroom, along with all the emotional abuse, that's just so not OK!

I do believe always did their absolute best.

Their best is rather shitty.

I only got as far as the devil/sleeping comment before I was shaking my head (and that was followed by many things as bad or worse) ... I have an older toddler who's a terrible sleeper, I'm in.single digits counting the number of sleeps through the night so far. I say to myself things like that (well not "devil", but plenty of grumbling about "unnatural, what is wrong with you etc" .. to myself - I would never say anything to my child, ever. Just try to encourage better sleep and find solutions.

You sound like a scale goated child, a family scale goat and your sister the golden child.

Some kids can definitely be more challenging to raise in terms of sleep a d any other number of things .. my sister has two who are like that,one is a placid, quiet, methodical DD who slept for her country .. her D's is the opposite buy sister would he ex have said things like that to him, she'd always have tried to manage him and communicate with him in a constructive, sympathetic way, and he knows she loves him (and he has lots of other great qualities).

Have you ever tackled your parents over this?

Do we really want to subject op to more abuse, manipulation, stone walking, rewriting, darvo etc etc.

The people described in the op are not going to give her what she's owed. They're not going to change.

You were but a child at the time and sadly no-one ever saw fit to protect you from that life of abuse within the family home. None of that was your fault; none of it. This is all on your parents here.

Are your parents good people?. No they are not and their behaviour is not merely just petty and mean either. Your parents behaved abusively towards you and still do, they did not do their best at all and if this was their best anyway it was not good enough.

You grew up within a dysfunctional family unit and all such people within it end up playing roles. What was your assigned role here; it appears to be one of scapegoat (and I daresay you were a "normal" child too, not the devil child at all they made you out to be in their heads) with your sister being the more favoured "golden child". What was your sister's role here along with that of your mum and dad?.

What relationship if any do you have with your sister these days?. What is she like now?.

Do you think your relationship with them is good mostly now; why do you think this?. Have you really been conditioned and otherwise brow beaten by the pair of them to put their own needs first with your needs and wants dead last?. You will need to grieve for the relationship with your parents you should have had rather than the one you actually got; these people now call you a "guest" in their home.

What if anything do you yourself know about your parents family background, that often gives clues.

I would read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point and also look at the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. I would also consider contacting NAPAC and their link is here napac.org.uk/

*Stone walling

This is the current Stately Homes thread (the other one posted is a full thread)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

Thanks for the replies.

Both parents had hugely neglectful childhoods. I get where it came from. They are brilliant in other areas. I had a good education and support there. Financially I have had help too. I know it doesn’t get rid of the abuse but I don’t believe they knew any better.

I just want to fully get rid of the comments from my head. It seems impossible. I have worked hard on loving myself (very cringe!) but it seems to help. I tell myself I matter just as much as anyone else. I have strong friendships and I think I recognise boundaries well.

Romantic relationships are a cause of anxiety for me. I attract men and can form quick connections with men and people in general but once it starts getting any closer I do the push pull thing like I am testing out their feelings for me... this is something I really want to stamp out.

This. Very difficult to process.

No surprise to read that re your parents own childhoods. But they had a choice when it came to their kids and they chose with you to recreate the same old that was dished out to them as children. They took the low road.

Not all people either who have emotionally neglectful and or otherwise abusive childhoods choose to do the same to their children. I have no doubt that despite the childhood you endured you would not yourself treat a child like you were and still are.

Re your comment:-
"I have worked hard on loving myself (very cringe!) but it seems to help"

It does help. Keep working on you and your recovery from childhood abuse. Do consider contacting NAPAC as well. Your "very cringe" words here are indicative of someone who was basically brought up to think she was and is unlovable and this has spilled over into your romantic relationships. Telling yourself you are truly loveable and actually believing that are two very different things. Your parents, the two people who should have shown and built you the foundations of love, did not and have failed you abjectly.

I actually doubt they are brilliant in other areas as well and that could be you trying to put a gloss on things. Have you ever seen a therapist who is well versed in the ways of dysfunctional and otherwise abusive family structures?. Have you properly dealt with your fear, obligation and guilt here re your parents?.

These people also from your initial post tried to disrupt your education by acting noisily around you when it came to you studying for your exams; I bet they were as quiet as church mice around your sister when she was studying.

I'm sorry, but walking in on you in the bathroom - if you were in the bath or shower - means he possibly has paedophile, tendencies too. Did he do that to your sister or your mum? Did he do it to any visitors? If not, he certainly understood boundaries, just had no respect for yours and that makes him indecent.

I had a similar childhood. Was also called a devil child while my dad had me pinned to the wall with his hands around my neck.
He back handed me to the face, kicked me while shouting at me to go to my room, then pushed a pillow into my face saying he could just smother me. My mum watched at the door then eventually told him enough.
I wet the bed as a child, I was the only one who slept downstairs at night so used to be terrified to go to the toilet. My mum used to accuse me of wetting the bed on purpose so I used to hide my wet sheets or sleep the next night on the wet ones.
I was told nobody loved me and everyone was just waiting for me to become old enough to leave the house, that he wanted to kick me out but my mum wouldn't let him because I was still too young.
I had to give up uni after my 1st year because I had just ended an abusive relationship and had that to deal with. My dad told me I was a failure and that everyone was just waiting for me to fail. My mum told me she succeeded with my siblings but failed with me.
Told my mum I had just miscarried. I was really upset and needed someone to talk to. She changed the subject.
But they were great with my education, family time, holidays, exploring and financial help.
We have a good relationship now. I used to tie myself in knots trying to please them and get their approval but lately I've found myself holding back.
It's such a mind fuck isn't it!!

"But they were great with my education, family time, holidays, exploring and financial help".

But all that does not make up for their abuses of you when you were a child. Its left you with fear, obligation and guilt. Also such too can and is often done to further confuse and control their target particularly money. I would urge you to further lower all contact levels and to not accept any further financial "help" which is itself loaded with obligation. Gifts should come with ribbons, not strings.

They are not good people - they did the 'easy' bits of providing you with material support, but used you as a psychological punch-bag for their frustrations by designating you the 'difficult child' (and from what I can tell this is often thrown at a child for no reason at all and is a totallly arbitrary label)

There are people with experience of this on here and I'm sure they will have lots of advice/

They were not "good people", my love, and they absolutely did know what they were doing was wrong, because they treated your sister so differently. Calling a child a devil and pulling out clumps of hair is vile abuse, and your parents should have been arrested for that.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Do you think you would benefit from some counselling to help you talk it through?

These ain't good people. They abused you. Paying for things is what parents do, don't let that cloud your judgement as to how appallingly they treated you.

Similar.

Fast forward to now - they are in their 80s (divorced) and both looking to me for care-taking when they start to need help.

Ummmmm.......

This sounds so very similar to my upbringing OP. The sound of 'we did our best" was often said when I've challenged them on it, but the reality was they did what was best, for them.

I also had many disfunctional relationships with abusive and controlling partners because I didn't know any different, but also because they threw me out of the house aged 15 and I had no other choice but to find a partner who I could live with.

Another flag I noticed was that my mother always liked my exH, the really selfish abusive one, because 'he kept me in my place'

Fast forward to age 30, I finally realised that enough was enough and went fully NC with her. That was the best decade of my life. No more abuse, no more expectations that can never be met, no more backstabbing and bitching about me to anyone who will listen.

When I had DD we of course got a tirade of messages demanding and guilting us into letting her see DD, so we visited my dad (flying monkey) and told him our reasons we didn't want contact. That same day we received a pretend apology followed by an abusive message blaming me for their behaviour, when I was a child and we knew that was it. No more.

You appear to be finally waking up from the FOG, the fear obligation and guilt cycle. Listen to it, get away from them and don't let them influence you any longer. You'll be very glad you did.