How can i get my husband to leave

[Notfeelinggreattoday]

As the title says how can i make him leave , I know legally i can't
But tonight he has called me all sorts of names and been just horrible and its the last straw
I asked him to take his stuff and leave tomorrow as I am not being spoken to the way he did .
We have joint tenancy
I won't leave the kids and i lost my job due to covid , am due to start another one soon but for now have no income or money to move out where as he does.
Thing is he can't even be civil to
Me , when he has the hump he will ignore me totally and create an awful atmosphere
Iv'e had it and its the final straw for me but i have no money to go anywhere or family that can put me and kids up. He has job and his mums but is refusing to go anywhere. I have some quite serious mh problems which im dealing with and starting to turn things around, he even belittled that and I just want him to go at least for now,until im in a position to be able to move to another place .

sorry to hear you are struggling.
but you know don't you that he has as much right to the marital home as you do. it is his home. of course he won't leave.
you will have to find a way of living under the same roof, and just try to avoid interacting with him, for the time being.
confide in your friends and family, see what they say.
i presume that you want to sue for divorce. do you have grounds. you need to take advice on that, and on the housing implications.
i wish you the very best.

Yes I know he has as much rights as it is a joint tenancy . I just don't think living under the same roof is possible or fair on kids . He will totally ignore me now and not even be civil. House isn't huge so hard to be out if each others way
Just annoying as hes the one who has called me all these names and told me how awful I am , so then why stay .
He has options for now i don't
In a couple of months i could prob get somewhere and he can have the house , i really don't care
We have no financial assets to split up and he wouldn't want the kids full time and they wouldn't want to go to him
I have grounds of unreasonable behaviour for divorce i guess but I really don't know

Is there any chance at all that his mother would speak to him and/or offer to take him in? Does she know how he treats you? I know it's a long shot.

And even if your friends and family are not local that doesn't mean they can't be a source of emotional support for you. Call them, or call one of them that you believe will keep your confidence. Let them know what's going on. And I know you've said there is no family with room to take you in, but have you actually asked? You & the DC may have to sleep on the sofa or even on the floor, but if your MH is at stake it may be the better option.

As far as him ignoring you, you have to change your way of thinking. As long as he's giving you the 'silent treatment' he's not calling you names or making nasty comments. Learn to change it in your mind as a 'good' thing. And just ignore him back. Behave as if he's not there if you can. Don't ask him questions. Don't try to have a conversation with him. Just do whatever needs to be done without his help or if you can't, leave it undone. As far as 'atmosphere', it only exists if you allow it to. Again, ignore him.

My ex used to pull that with me and I learnt to regard it as 'blessed silence'.

And if the situation is starting to affect your MH, please seek specific support for this (if you aren't already). The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

Two last questions for you and you don't have to post answers if you don't want. Do you have a legitimate fear for your or your children's safety? Do you truly feel that your MH is at stake to the point where you are concerned about a breakdown? If so, please call WA. Emotional abuse is still abuse and you deserve help, especially if it's to the point that it's endangering your MH. They can advise you.

No I am not concerned for our safety in any way
Regarding my mh lately he has contributed to it as he knows what some of my triggers are and that i am trying to overcome them and he has deliberately bought up the issues or put me in certain positions where i am uncomfortable but without supporting
My mh is a burden to him he has made that clear but he has some issues of his own that i have always been very supportive of , my mh issues are very recent and took me by surprise as ive never suffered like this before and things i just did without thinking are hard now
I had some treatment before lockdown and then gone downhill a little bit, if i try and speak to him he turns it around to him somehow all the time .
So will speak to drs monday about my mh as i need to feel stronger starting a new job
The job will help as will keep me busy and im not relying on him for help
With the job and small top up i will be entitled to i can afford to stay in this house and cover bills without any money from him
He can just give dc money direct that they can use for clothes and bits as he would resent giving it to me directly but def not to them
Its all such a mess and if i had the money i would go to hotel just for a bit of distance
No family near by to stay as my mum isn't far but has other family members staying long term and is overcrowded and dc in school/ college etc so can't go further afield
Plus they all think he is great and will be quick to ask what i have done wrong
Im not perfect and i can cause arguments too but I am not abusive and would never use someones mh issues against them or treat someone with such hate and contempt.
He even spoke to dc last night and tried to justify and get them onside

Keep asking him to go and don't service him in anyway e.g. doing laundry, making food etc. until he gets the message you are serious. It will be painful for you and the Dc and you will probably want to shield them and not seem "petty" but just keep thinking how nice it will be when he goes and how this could expedite it and how women are socialised to "play nice"

If he knows what the triggers are for your MH and he’s using it against that’s abuse in itself.
I really feel for you. I think you should contact a solicitor ASAP to get some sound advice.

Thank you taking all advice on board , yes won't be doing any washing/ cooking etc for him
Just me and dc , although most of washing is done inc his clothes for work which is a shame .
I will be asking him later to move out again and see what answer i get
He has the money to get a hotel room at least for a few nights give us space
He doesn't see it as using my mh issues against me as he just thinks its made up i think , but we have been together years so he knows this is a sudden change in me and that i have sought help as i don't want to feel like this either i would give anything to be the old me from a year ago before my mh issues started taking over
He was supportive at first but i haven't got better quick enough i think is the issue ( i would say im 60 % better with a little way to go)
Going to focus on me and dc's today and hope he sees sense and leaves , he had a drink last night so less angry today ( not a heavy drinker ) so may be more rational

He even spoke to dc last night and tried to justify and get them onside

By 'onside', I assume he's trying to convince them that you are being a 'bad' mother/wife or similar? If so, this can be considered parental alienation. Where I live (US) it's grounds to lose access and if severe enough, parental rights. Are your children very young, or are they old enough to see through him? As hard as it is, don't 'counter attack'. Just reassure your children calmly that Dad is wrong, you love them, and you want the best for them.

I'm glad you're going to speak to your doctors. Do you also see a counselor? It may be a good benefit to you to have someone to 'vent' to, help you sift through your emotions, and give you tools to cope until you can see your way clear. If you truly feel that your family won't be supportive of you, a counselor will be invaluable.

I know you may not be 'there' yet, but remember that you can file for a divorce even if you're living in the same household. It may be a good idea to see a solicitor for an 'information gathering' session. It does not mean that you have to file anything and if he's that much of a jerk it may not be worth the aggro until he's gone. It just means you're educating yourself as to your options and what you might expect in terms of maintenance and/or settlement.

I agree with above PP who says to stop providing 'services' for him. And if there is a spare room, move into it. Begin to think and live as a 'single mum'. You'll be one soon (O, blessed hope!) so you may as well start figuring out how you're going to do things, anyway. Try not to engage with him. But if you must, every response to his antagonism/insults should be a very calm "I want a divorce" or "If you feel that way, we should get a divorce". Don't respond in kind and never JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain). Remember that every time you do, you're just giving him more fuel for his fire.

This is going to be a rough time, I'm not denying that. But as Churchill said "When you're going through Hell, just keep on going!". You've already taken the first step, you've made the decision to live a better life. The rest will come in time.

I can't afford a solicitor as not working at moment and have no income just his
Tbf i have full access to this but we just don't have spare cash after paying for the essentials
He has spoken today just saying he got angry and doesn't really remember calling me names but if he did it must of been because i did ( i didn't )
He admits he hasn't bothered to learn about my mh or fully understand but just feels everything is left to him ( again not totally true but yes he does have to pick up a bit more than normal when im having a bad day ) he feels because i don't work at moment he should do very little , whereas when im in work it should be shared , which is fair enough. But its an illness thats stopping me doing some things , if it was phyiscal it feels like it would be ok
The thing is he hates his job and think resents im at home ( think he thinks I am watching day time tv and meeting friends for lunch everyday )
He's not well today so has laid around and now gone to bed and hasn't actually given me the silent treatment
He just turns everything around to be about him though , well thats how it feels
I know i have reached breaking point with him , I still love him or i suppose the man i know he can be/ used to be
The only good thing is I think he does feel a little guilty now i've explained and told him how vile he was last night ,so may be more amicable about moving out in long term , once he has deposit sorted after next months wages .
I would prefer for dc that things could be reasonably amicable
He hasn't noticed the two wash baskets yet , one with his clothes and one with mine and dc that i will wash , prob only realise when he runs out
Also he did put a load in this morning of his and dc clothes as they walked the dog , i took dc out machine and hung up
His I left in bag
Just feeling down now a

I hope you are feeling a bit better today and not so down

He 'doesn't remember' calling you names. Well, I call bullshit unless he was in that much of a blinding rage, which is an issue in itself.

As far as not being able to see a solicitor, look beyond what you have in the bank. Is there anyone or any agency that provides assistance. I'm not in the UK, but people have mentioned WA, CAB, and Rights of Women. Check them out. And I know you don't have local family to stay with, but do you have family who will provide emotional support? Even if they can't take you in, they can give you a shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on.

So, he's doing 'better' today? Phffft!!!! He realizes he went too far so now he's 'making gestures' to try and placate and show you that he is not what you think he is. But he is and you know it! And he's not feeling guilty about the vile way he acted. No, he's just worried he's going to lose his maid of all work and 'bed partner'. He's got a damn comfy life, doesn't he? You carry the load and he just relaxes and takes his bad feelings out on you.

You are worth so much more than this. I know when one is in a MH 'bad place' it's really hard to move forward. So if you need to 'tread water' to catch your breath, that's fine. But please don't make excuses for him or think that he is sorry or is changing. He is what he is. He sees no reason to change because he's set things up to his advantage.
Just please remember that you deserve better and focus on your MH with an eye to being strong enough to find your way out of this situation and into a new and peaceful life.

that's good advice above, OP.
by the way the, if you are married, he has a much right to be in the marital home as you do. it has nothing to do with the type of tenancy, or whose name is/not on it.
he would have the same rights if only your name was on the tenancy agreement, or if it was a house that you owned before marrying. that is the meaning of marriage.
i hope things get better for you OP.

Notfeelinggreattoday I see this was last year but how are you getting on? How is your health? Im in a similar situation and as of the new year I told everybody what he is like and took to sleeping on the sofa. Feeling a lot stronger in myself and so angry he disrespects me. Have you found any way of making your husband see sense and leave? My DS even wants him to leave now!xx

I’d speak to the council let them rehome you don’t take that crap as your better then that. They will give you benefits and rent don’t stick with that piece of crap

Just tell them he kicked you out and is refusing to let you back in and you’ve got no key they will home you get away from that nasty piece of work before it is too late

Thanks, I am so over him and his awful behaviour, it goes on and on. I know it is over but he is in denial. He locks me out,takes my car keys etc.hes just so childish. The thing is I dont see why me and my DS should leave and uproot from the lovely place we live, near to his school and friends etc. It is only rented and I could rent it with my own money. I just dont know where to start with solicitors.Is there anyway of getting him out?or is that only if there is physical violence?

He also smokes pot occasionally but is horrible even when he hasnt.Ive had him drug tested before when I knew he had smoked quite a lot and it came back negative!it was a hair test and the tester said it would definitely show up, which made him even more clever with me when it didnt.

Pack your bags

I am so sorry to read your post. To be honest what you have described does sound like emotional abuse and potentially even coercive control which is a crime. I would strongly recommend you go on the Women’s Aid Website where you can get advice both through live chat and by email. They can advise you on where you stand legally and whether due to the abuse he can be prevented from living there. Again I really recommend doing that for yourself. You deserve that support and expertise.
On the wider issues around separating and divorce you can also get legal advice from Rights of Women, look at their website for information on the different advice lines they operate.
Last of all on the mental health. In a way it’s unsurprising that this has happened when you have been living with someone like this. He uses silent treatment and other abuse to take control away from you. After a while that is going to cause depression and anxiety. I am sure that when you are free of him you will instantly start to feel better so do prioritise getting that help. Sending you a big hug. You are brave and you can do this

VirginiasWolf yes he uses the silent treatment, every type of emotional abuse in the book, this morning he has already accused me of cheating. Things like I'm not a fit mum, I can't even get the food shop right, he should stay at home and me work(I'm only at home because of lockdown and he can go for weeks not working and doing no chores at home anyway) shuts doors to shut me in whichever room I'm in, drives erratically to scare me, purposely clumsy breaking things. Theres loads of it. Me and my son are anxious, probably depressed now. My son is suffering low self esteem. He can turn being nice on and off very quickly but I am seeing how narcissistic he is. He didnt used to be like this at all. I emailed womens aid last week as the phone lines are so busy. Waiting for a response. Ive tried adfam but no one responding. National domestic line busy all the time.

I just looked up coercive control. Yes he humiliates me and threatens me all the time. Things like telling people I need exercise (I'm actually quite active which everyone can see) or im miserable (only because of him) says he wont mend something he charmingly said he would for my dad if I dont sleep with him or I will have to tell my dad why he isnt doing it.
I will try Rights of Women next. I am a strong person but I'm worrying about my son.