How do you leave a long relationship?
When one of your children (just started secondary school) is autistic and dh has stepped back from any sort of parenting role?
When you are half way through spending a large portion of joint savings on house improvements?
When you realise that dh’s phases of dry humping whenever you were bending over, filling the dishwasher, putting clothes in drawers, up against the kitchen side, even fast asleep....weren’t actually ok. (They were just phases, they’ve stopped (mostly) now) ?
When you agree to dtd 3 times per week on set days, just so you can relax and get a decent night’s sleep on the other 4 nights. Then your dh starts snoring, and you never, ever get a decent night’s sleep?
When you realise that a few weeks after ds’s birth, when you were sooooo tired from constant night wakings that you were crying (retrospectively this was because he is autistic). You’d said no to sex, and had been saying no for quite a few weeks. But dh was so fed up with this and got so furiously drunk ( because I’d said no for so long) that he did it anyway and I just lay there and let him. I’ve just recently realised that that wasn’t ok. But it was a long time ago, and as he was so drunk, he doesn’t even know he did it. He didn’t remember the next day. So I can’t blame him, or mention it. Until early this year, I was able to put it to the back of my mind as well. For some reason, I can’t any more ;(
After a couple of the above experiences, we ‘agreed’ to dtd on 3 set nights per week. I didn’t often enjoy it, but I did it. Recently though, I’m really finding it difficult.
When dh abdicates all responsibility - the only way he can parent asc child is by getting cross, which he realises (after a looong time) doesn’t work. So you are left as the sole parent in all of your children’s upbringing (one nt, one asc) Both children will call out ‘mummy, can you help me with xx’ when their father is literally sitting right by them?
When you have to take anxiety medication on the weekends where dh just can’t cope with his perception that our house is messy, the children’s behaviour is unacceptable etc. and he shouts, tidies obsessively or just sits upstairs silently fuming. Although these weekends are few and far between (about every 3 months or so), you spend all of the other weekends wondering if this weekend will be a ‘bad’ one and walking on eggshells?
When all of the mental load is yours, or someone else’s. Every decision is reflected away from him. To the extent that he actually said today ‘shall we leave the walls painted white unless they want to be painted in a different colour?” 🥺
When you cook a separate meal for your children, and another for you and dh - even though it would be so easier to eat together. So two evening mealtimes every day, with no help for washing, cooking, tidying etc. Even though the children are 12&13, the stress of a mealtime with dh Is just too much. (Dh was brought up with v,strict table manners and, I suspect has misophonia - he gets so stressed with normal eating noises (that he makes himself but doesn’t realise))
We only eat 2 weekend lunchtimes per week together, and he will usually go off in a huff about something (usually Ds’ sensory eating) at least once a fortnight.. he has got better - previously, he would shout and get cross. At least now he just silently storms off to another room in disgust.
When everything I suggest or say to dh is answered with a criticism of my suggestion, or a criticism of what I’ve done, I try to do things that aren’t housework around the house, but I’m just told what I’ve done wrong. I’ve given up doing practical things in the house as I can’t meet his standards and what I do is always wrong, in some way.
I always take autistic ds with me whenever I have to go out I.e. when I have a music rehearsal etc - just so that he’s not left home alone with dh. I don’t do evening hobbies that I’d rather like to do, because it would mean leaving dh alone with ds at bedtime, which is a recipe for disaster.
The few times I have left them home alone in the day, my daughter has texted me asking me to come home as they are arguing, dh has decided to cancel screen time for 24 hours and Ds won’t go to bed sad
I can see the end of the line. But, I’m trying to work out whether to stick it out for 6 years (kids at uni).
If I leave now, my asc son will have to spend time alone with dh. Although dh theoretically understands ds’s diagnosis, Dh really doesn’t get that he’s not a naughty child. Ds is v.intelligent (so can appear ‘normal’ in dh”s eyes) but he is also autistic, has sensory processing difficulties and Adhd.
How can I possibly make the decision to leave, which means that dh will have them alone for a weekend? Plus we’re in the middle of major house renovations, funded by the fact that he has a good job while I’ve been trying to create self employed work in school hours, just to be able to be there for my children.
I drink a bit too much, but it’s to cope with the above (and more, I could go on for ages, but I’ve run out of energy to post)
I don’t want to hurt dh’s feelings, or for him to lose out on time with them. But I do need to bear in mind my asd son, and his Sister who (Were I to leave) could find herself in the position I’m in at the moment - not wanting to ds and dh alone, feeling responsible for their happiness. That’s not fair on a 13 year old girl,
Dh is actually, despite all of the above, a very good man who doesn’t deserve the misery of me leaving him, and not seeing his children just because he doesn’t ‘get’ his son. He works really hard to provide a roof over our head etc. I haven’t worked full time since having children, I’ve built up my own fairly successful business to work around school hours, but I don’t even earn enough to pay tax. It would be a struggle to get ‘proper” employment after 13 years out of the workplace, made even harder by the fact that with a masters degree, I’m very academically overqualified so I can’t even get school receptionist sort of jobs (I’ve applied for a lot sad )
I want the best for my kids. I feel guilty about feeling the way I do about my dh.
Im trying to stick it out for 5-6 more years till the kids are at uni.i can’t see another way - how I can leave now without a lot of heartache?
Opinions that will help me see the children through to university in a happy household and don’t involve just saying ‘ltb’ without any reasons, much appreciated. Thank you.