How do I deal with this?

[LaBelleSauvage123]

I found out recently that someone I considered a close friend has, in the past, said some hurtful and personal things about me to another friend. I don’t want to go into exactly what was said as it’s too outing, but it was implying that I had issues with personal relationships and also criticism of my parenting. She has given me no indication at all that she thought these things - in fact, just the opposite. This friend is part of a circle of local friends of mine. I’m torn between tackling her about it, though my guess is she will just deny it, or leaving it and being polite and distant. We are neighbours, which makes actual physical distancing difficult. Any advice welcome!

Would confronting force a choosing scenario in the group? If it would I would just cool the friendship with her. Be polite but nothing more.

If you are sure the other person is not just trying to cause trouble I would ask your friend in a calm way. Say you are puzzled and a bit hurt and hoping it isn't true.
Good luck

I think you have learnt she can't be trusted with personal info and puts her own spin on it, but also, this other friend told you something that she likely knew was going to be hurtful and cause issue even if true, so her motives are scued too. Be careful with personal stuff and who you share it with as sharing with one, is like sharing to the group it would appear.

Yes I think confronting would cause people to choose. I’m positive the person who told me isn’t trying to cause trouble or lying about it - she was actually very reluctant to tell me, but I pushed her on it. I’m actually glad I know, as I’d previously been very open and honest with this friend - it’s made me feel foolish for doing so and for failing to see her hypocrisy.

In situations like this I wonder what was said by person #3 to defend me and why person #2 felt comfortable speaking negatively about me to #3.

At the time person 3 didn’t know me well at all, certainly not well enough to defend me. She assumed that person 2 was telling the truth, and feels very guilty about that now. Person 2 felt comfortable telling her because they were very close at the time.

I think I would be grateful person 3 told you the score and leave it there Just be polite But cool with this other person. No point upsetting a group by tackling her x

I agree with sunflower ⬆️

I also agree with Sunflower.

This is my instinct too. Although I would love to call her out on it in some ways - mainly because not doing so maintains a pretence - I think the best thing is just to be civil and distant. Thank you everyone for sensible and measured advice.

I’m torn between tackling her about it, though my guess is she will just deny it, or leaving it and being polite and distant.

You're right, be polite and distant and don't share too much with her in the future.

Nothing to be gained from having it out with her, it will end up 'he said /she said type bollocks' and you won't know who to believe!

Is there any possibility that your "friend" has said the same things to others in your local circle of friends?

It’s a possibility, yes - I wouldn’t rule anything out now, as I wouldn’t have believed she would even have done it to one friend!