Bloody MIL's (again!!!!)

[Northerner]

It's rather a long story, but I'll try and keep it brief.

My Mil lives in the same town as us, only a 10 minute drive away. She is normally available for babysitting should we request it (very rarely, about once a month if that)but has never 'volunteered' to take ds out for the day, or just to spend quality time with him, he has also never spent the night at her house. About 6 weeks ago BIL and SIL (dh's bro and wife) moved here from London. Us 4 get on really well. They have 1 ds and 1 dd. BIL has his own company and MIL now helps him out, this was agreed as BIL pays her mrtgage and hs done for the past few years as she was in a bit of a financial mess. So she helps them around the house, does the ironing, babysits once a week and collects the kids from school/nursery once a week and takes them to her house for tea, then gets them ready for bed. So she is spending lots of time with her other grand children.

Last week I was furious to find out that MIL had volunteered to take their dd (the same age as my ds)to a toddler group for a couple of hours so my SIL had time to go to the Supermarket.She has NEVER done this for me ever. She knew I was mad, and as an after thought says she will take my ds from now on aswell. So if this happens she will see him for 1.5 hours for 1 afternoon a week, which I think is not enough. She does not make an effort, hardly calls us and doesn't even really know her grandson.

So I am pretty hacked off - she knows there is something wrong as she has told my SIL she is worried about me. How nice of her.

Bearing in mind my MIL is pretty erratic and hates criticism -

Would you say something?

we have the same situation with my MIl. I HAVE mentioned something and things still didnt change. She sees kids maybe once every 3 months at most but is practically bringing up other grandson. but what do I know ?!!!

Sorry Northerner, not much help. Maybe MIL feels obliged to help as they help her so much financially, not that it should be important

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Northener - I dont really feel that we have a right to demand that grandparents spend time with our children. Your MIL may well be doing this for your BIL and SIL out of a sense of obligation due to the financial arrangement they have come to. I cant imagine too many grandparents jumping up and down shouting me me me, I want to take them to the toddler group. I dont see why any grandparent should feel obliged to spend full days with a grandchild, have them overnight or visit daily. My own parents see their grandchildren probably once every couple of months and they only live 40 minutes away. They have busy full hectic lives themselves and I wouldnt dream of insisting they divide their time equally between all their grandchildren nor that they see them regularly. Children are hard work and I dont see that grandparents are there just to give us an easier ride.

I am in agreement with Triffle. I don't think grandparents are meant to look after our kids and if they don't want to -that's their prerogative. My parents and my in-laws don't ever babysit and don't see the kids that often... I respect that.
My in-laws see my nephew more often but because SIL makes such a fuss about her son needing to build a relationship with his grand parents..... I know my in-laws are fed up with her now... so it is backfiring.

Trifle I'm not wanting my MIL to give me an easy ride. My point is that she is spending time with her other grandchildren, to the point of having no time my ds. I don't expect her to divide her time equally between all her grandchildren, but to at least make an effort with my ds would be nice. Up untill last week she had not seen my ds for over 6 weeks and I think that is disgraceful. Not for my sake but for his.

I beleive that grandparents have a lot to offer their grandchildren, and quite frankly she is mising out.

Northerner, you can invite your MIL home from time to time so she has more time with your DS. From my experience grannys always get more attached to some grandchildren than others but it's based in how much time they spend together. My mother can speak hours about the wonderful things my niece does and sometimes it's difficult for her not to steer the subject back to my nice when I'm talking about my DS but then, she sees my nieve almost every other weekend while we only visit once a year. I grow up 200 miles away from my nearest grandparents and really, you can not miss what you have not had. We were not jealous about their relayionship with their other grandchildren and when the oportunity arised we tried to make the most of it. Actually, I'm thrilled that one of my grandmothers choosed me between her more than 20 grandchildren to pass all her memories before his death, even when I have had contact with her only twice a year until I was 15.

one extra typo and they will kick me out of Mumsnet...

Same here but without babysitting! MIL told dh she wanted to take our children out (first time) in the summer hols. I needn't have worried as typically this is the last we heard of it!

It's funny isn't it, my MIL used to practically camp out on my doorstep when my kids were little and I hated it! I wanted her to go away & leave me alone! She was always desperate to take them out without including me or DH & I really resented it. Completely the opposite to northerner. Just goes to show, they can't win.

It's quality time that matters not quantity. Children have no concept of time so your ds wouldnt know whether he saw granny last week or last month. You're extremely lucky if your ds sees her so often, mine only get to see two of their gransparents twice a year which I think is great as it is viewed as a holiday, both sides get wildly excited and it is real quality time.

Could it be that as your MIL she might feel like she is interfering if she asks to help you all the time. Some women, like me (!), feel quite smothered - I don't mind my own Mum offering to help out and I feel comfortable leaving my kids with her, but if my MIL was so close and always calling it would do my head in!!!

I'm sure she also does so much for your BIL and SIL because they help her out financially.

Well my MIL called last night and asked me what was bothering me as she could tell I have been a bit funny towards her. So I told her how I felt, not in a confrontational way but in a being hones kind of way. And to my complete suprise she totally agreed with me and apologised, she said she has felt that my ds has been neglected for a while and she is going to put that right. She also said that as a daughter in law she thought a lot about me, and she appreciated the fact that I have never made any demands on her, but that this had made her selfish.