Have just took something out on my mum and feel sooo guilty now :(

[snmum]

but she drives me mad, insane etc

She acts as a go between for my dad and I think she ought to stop it. They have been divorced for 9 years and he treats her like crap. If anyone on Mn doesnt know me and my dad havent spoken for 2 years. he calls me all the names under the sun and I wouldnt ask him for a charachter reference iykwim. But every bloody birthday he drops presents off for us at my mums house. Same this year, ds has just got a 'lovely' expensive gift off him and the biggest most expensive card he could find in the shop. (which has ended up in the bin courtesy of dh) All my family were singing his praises saying 'he does care really' and apparently it os nothing to do with me as it is for ds. It is an understatement to say it pisses me off big time.

So my mum just rang and i asked her to stop bringing the presents down, said i didnt see why she had too anymore. It is a lie that he cares about the kids as he has never ever been interested. the only person he has ever been interested in is himself. aaarrrggghh it makes me so mad.

But now i feel guilty as my mum turned it round as though it was my fault as 'I sound so unhappy all the time'. I just feel like they both like to manipulate me and it is just winding me up constantly.

Dont really know what advice anyone can give me, just needed to offload

I think you need to get into a totally comfortable place with your own stuff. It's hard, but if you feel good about yourself and your life then this stuff won't have such an impact on you.
Your dad sounds like an arse, I rmember you having an upset before.
I had to get over quite alot of crap from my dad, took quite a bit of counselling. Now all of the annoying behaviour usually goes over my head and I can see him for what he is.
I don't care what other people think of him, I know hwat I think and don't have to let them know why and how and when.
I hope you get some resolution, take a little bit of time to yourself if possible and just have a quiet think about it all.
They can only touch you and wind you up if you let them.
Anyway, that all sounds a bit hard to do- but it is worth it, the counselling helped me so much
here's a hug anyway.

amybe I am in the wrong. She just said to me "i dont want to get involved and start a war'??!!

I have no idea what she means, surely her saying no to him does not start a war.

Fio-can't you just refuse to accept the presents? Tell your mum not to bother bringing them round as she'll only have to take them home again? it has everything to do with you as your DS is too small to have an independent relatinship with your dad-it's not like DS was 14 when this blew up and entitled to make his own choices about his rellies.

Sorry, i think your mum's being a bit useless but presumably that's because she's still quite tied into your dad?

She is involved and it's causing problems!!

yes you are right marialusia, i should have done that. but she brought it into to the lounge and ds wanted to open it. She kept it til last then brought it in for him to open when my gran and mil were there. i thought that was unfair.

I had to hear all this crap about how she 'loved' him and still cares for him. She shouldnt play me like this. Am i being unreasonable? It has really upset me.

My ds is my baby

No you're not. My mum is still all pathetic about her ex-dh (she's now remarried and had another child ffs!) i have to listen to all this "there will always be a bond" rubbish although he beat the crap out of me (and her!).

Just tell her you don't want to know. It works 99% of the time for me. i've reached this peaceful stage where I accept that she's my mum, I love her, I take and deal with her crap but at the end of the day she's a pitiful person.

Harsh? Me?

hhmm it sound svery similar to me and my mum. My dad was an adulteress bully and manipulated me until I stopped contact with him 2 years ago. Unluckily it seems he still manipulates my mother. She has had a very hard life, I know she has. i shouldnt moan, but it feels better if I do you dont harsh, hehehe

I think I'd just let the kids have the pressies and the cards tbh.

you are naughty agy!!

i am still fuming tbh, i cant beleive I have kept it bottled up since saturday and just exploded today.

poor you,fio. I like agy's idea

Hi snmum. I don't know the history here but I agree with agy. At the end of the day he's your ds grandad so would it hurt for him to give ds presents?

dont joke !! i just feel it is somehow symbolic that he produces presents but doesnt give a shit. i dont want my children thinking that is acceptable tbh (me taking the moral high ground )

maybe i should just shut up, i have been hard on my mum and she has enough to cope with, just wish she would stop making out I cant cope and she helps me loads, and doesnt stir (which she does)

moan moan moan moan moan moan

is he his grandad? how? biologically, yes but he has never ever took any interest, never told anyone he is a grandad and has never even bothered, wouldnt even hold him at the hospital because i had a son before him

god I sound so fucked up

I would also tell her not to bring the presents down snmum. If he hasn't got a decent relationship with you, then your dad, imo, is just being manipulative. Tell your mum that if he wants to give presents to ds, then he must at least be civil to you.

And maybe you wouldn't 'sound so unhappy all the time' if you didn't have this stuff to deal with from your parents. I'm angry on your behalf now!

You don't sound fucked up babe- he does. And your moral high ground is the right place to be- I personally would immorally let the kids keep them and tell them they were from me/their nan/fairies/anyone but the badass but your way is right and you are lovely. Hope you feel better about this soon but i guess it's something that will always hurt.

Hope you feel better soon fio. Hope it all works out for you. Not very good at advice - wish I was!