Depressed/ autistic bf pushing me away

[confuzion]

Context - I was in a horrific , seriously abusive marriage for 15 years . Did freedom program and left .

2 years later I start dating a again . A few frogs later I meet this wonderful guy . He’s extremely gentle , caring , and opposite to my abusive ex in every way imaginable. He tells me early on in the relationship that he suffers from anxiety and clinical depression and takes antidepressants and has ongoing therapy . I also strongly suspect he is autistic . I work with people in autism so am trained to spot it ( but not diagnose ).

Shortly into Covid , a few terrible things happened to him . He lost his job due to Covid , his previous employers breached confidentiality re his mental health , he ran into massive financial difficulty, a bereavement, and a few other unpleasant events in his personal life . I would see him push me away when he was very low but he would always return back to me .

As he reached new lows in July he suddenly ended it with me . He said he felt he had nothing to offer me and needed to focus on his mental health . I was distraught but told him I understood how he felt and would give him his space ( although I was dying inside ). After this he would still text me intermittently and we ended up spending a few days together in August at mine ( which were wonderful ) and have met up a few times since . I asked him to define what our relationship status is and he withdraws and becomes distant when I do this . We will meet every few weeks but he will barely text me in between . I’ve stopped initiating contact as when I do make it , I get one word answers if at all. When we meet up , we spend the day together . He’ll open up to me and we pour our hearts out to each other and it always ends up with us having passionate sex .

So , I found out he was texting another girl as he spends hours online despite not making an effort to text me much and i saw texts on his phone pop up on the screen from her when we were together . Nothing ominous but very friendly / warm .

I asked him who she was and if he was involved with her . He promised me he was not emotionally involved with anyone . I became quite upset . He is still online constantly but I barely hear a word from him .

I’m madly in love with him . When we’re together , it’s magic . He will hear me out and address every concern I have in life in the most caring and empathetic way imaginable . Then when I’m not physically present with him he becomes distant as if he’s afraid of committing to me the way we were before . I’ve tried to cut him out of my life as the uncertainty is making me insane . I failed each time as the heartache was too painful .I told him how I felt and he said ‘I’m starting a new job , let me focus on settling into work now and then we can address this once am settled in . Right now I’m very overwhelmed with life ‘.

I know this sounds like more hard work than it’s worth but after everything I’ve been through I’m very strongly drawn towards him and feel very much attached to him . He has great qualities as a person and we fit together on so many levels . We have so much in common and being around him is so ... easy and comfortable . After my abusive relationship I suffered PTSD which is often triggered by being in male company however with him he is so soft and gentle I feel nothing but ease . We never argue or clash and any disagreements are settled respectfully without any bad blood . He is just so refreshing to be around .I’ve found his presence also very healing in many many ways . And I know he has relied on my emotionally too . We’re good together .

Should I wait it out, set a deadline for things to change , or just find the strength to end this on my own terms ?
Any advice appreciated .

I've asked him what changed as things were fine before his mental breakdown and suicide attempts in July . Prior to this breakdown he was always the one who initiated conversation and checked up on me and made an effort to talk to me . This went off n for well over a year with him being actively involved and keen and he was the first to say he loved me .He just said ' I'm too broken to give anything to you emotionally right now , otherwise things would have continued as normal '.
I found it hard to accept am just a booty call also . For our first six months of dating despite us spending so much time together overnight and Having fairly high sex drives we did not have sex as I was not ready ( again past trauma). He encouraged me to take things at my pace and made it so easy for me when I was finally ready ,when this had always been so difficult and traumatic in the past . To believe I am just reduced to this now is painful to accept and admit .
Thanks everyone for their input so far . I do feel things are clearer .

You express your needs to him. You want commitment. You tell him what you want for the future, you tell him you need communication and love. You tell him he’s not meeting your needs and tell him you need to block him to heal and move on with your life.
He knows where you are if he’s that bothered.
In the meantime you do some reading, YouTube vids, therapy and get yourself a new hobby to distract yourself, you work on you and learn to love yourself. Don’t do it to manipulate him back to your life because it doesn’t work.

Lime I want to do that so desperately . How do I find the strength ?

Think to yourself what would a woman with high self respect, high self esteem who valued herself and wanted the best for herself do...then you do it. It will feel horrible and uncomfortable but you need to get used to it because you deserve fucking better.
You have him on a pedestal. Watch self love u by Jenna Ryan. You won’t regret it.

He is so clearly not that into you. He even told you that. The best thing for you is to cut him out of your life, you're only prolonging the hurt at the moment.

I would send him a message along the lines of I have enjoyed the casual sex and casual chat a lot recently but have decided it isn't good for me long term so I'm going to cut contact with you, hope everything works out for you.

Then block, delete and find something to occupy your mind like a hobby or something.

@confuzion

Also, he has said to me bluntly ' I can't deliver what you deserve . You're worth so much more . Just forget about me and move on '. My narc ex would never have said anything like this .

I know I should do it . But I feel a strong connection and find it really hard.

You feel a strong connection.

Evidently he doesn't though. You can't MAKE someone love you. He may well care a lot, but I don't think he feels the same way as you do.

Sorry;

He isn't your boyfriend
He's just using you for sex
It's never going to be what you want it to be

That feeling of strong connection is most likely the pull of codependency.

He could be an excellent fixer upper!

I do wonder if he is having counselling and has discussed you if the counsellor has not suggested he back off from you for the sake of his mental health. Or a friend is concerned for him and said something along those lines.

There's a lot of truth in the responses here but I still feel conflicted .
For almost a year we had a normal relationship and that's where I felt we were good together . He was responsive , would be the one checking up on me and making plans . He was reliable , dependable, steady and involved . In fact it was almost boring , but I felt relaxed , secure and happy .
Post Covid when everything collapsed and he lost his job, he started pushing me away till July when he made an attempt on his life and told me he couldn't be what I needed . Since then things have been terrible , we've met and had sex , and he's then distanced off , and checks intermittently . Since I've started this thread I've not contacted him at all. He's sent me a few texts asking me if I'm ok and I've not replied .
I'll reply when if and when it no longer affects my mental health .
I think his councillor has supported the idea of him ending the relationship to focus on his MH as he dropped this message to me indirectly during one of our conversations.

Have you told him you are not looking for a perfect relationship ? ( what is?) you just wanted to be there for him but now you feel pushed away, so he is not doing you any favours ?

It sounds like he feels he is dragging you down tbh .

*Have you told him you are not looking for a perfect relationship ? ( what is?) you just wanted to be there for him but now you feel pushed away, so he is not doing you any favours ?

It sounds like he feels he is dragging you down tbh .*

Yes , I've told him those very words . You hit the nail on the head - he said ' I need to focus on my MH and not drag you down with me '
As he suffers very low self esteem , he seems to genuinely not know what I see in him

He sounds selfish and as if he's got all his excuses lined up in advance for shagging around when he can find someone else. The looking at messages online from a woman in front of you is really appalling, you know that, don't you? Its all to prepare you for his moving on when he tires of you and to avoid him being blamed for leading you on.

The pity play - the illness, the unfortunate happenings, are all designed to make him seem like the victim, when in reality he gets to do what he wants. Its all very calculated.

He's not from a town/city beginning with "A", is he?

The pity play - the illness, the unfortunate happenings, are all designed to make him seem like the victim, when in reality he gets to do what he wants. Its all very calculated.

Could you elaborate ? The illness, bereavement , job loss and things that happened at work actually happened for sure . What do you mean exactly ? That he made them up?

I'm being cynical. I knew such a man, who ended up cheating on me with the replacement he already had lined up. Used to say exactly the same things and behave exactly the same way, except he only hinted at depression. For a while I wondered if he was autistic too.

I think this type are good at selecting those they get involved with. He is clearly good at getting sex from women while getting away without commitment. Not being able to hold down a job is a common feature.

Do you really think its acceptable/believable that he chats to another woman online while he's with you???

He only has to be nice (ie "soft and gentle") for very short periods of time the few hours that he spends with you. You have no idea what the real him is like because you never get the chance to spend enough time with him to find out.

Google some of the phrases I used in my first reply and learn more.

Do you really think its acceptable/believable that he chats to another woman online while he's with you???

No, it's not acceptable . I have no idea if he was actually chatting to her whilst with me . He left his phone and a message from her popped up . I have no idea if he had replied or had texted her that day . It seems he hadn't, without going into Detail about what the message was .

This was the first job he had ever been fired from . The rest of his career has been quite stable and successful and he has started a new job now. I think you might be projecting your own experiences a little . In fact, I laughed a little at how boring his cv was because I remember comparing it to my exes which was all over the place , whereas he had a few solid jobs that he had used to climb up the ladder .

He only has to be nice (ie "soft and gentle") for very short periods of time the few hours that he spends with you. You have no idea what the real him is like because you never get the chance to spend enough time with him to find out.

I don't know about short hours , we used to spend alternate weekends at each other's, he's stayed a week at mine and we've been abroad together for the week , never really a hint of a temper or anything unpleasant in that way . As I said in PP we've spent a lot of time together particularly overnight .

Whatever it was between you is now isnt. I'm sorry it is sometimes the hardest relationships to walk away from are those where once our needs are being met.

Regardless of the reasons for his emotional distancing from you he has and has demoted you from girlfriend to booty call.

He currently isn't capable of having a mature loving relationship with you.

You can't change his behaviour only your reaction to it.

So either you say this isn't acceptable for you not to be treated as his priority any longer ( if he is capable of chatting to others then he could be speaking to you online) and you shore up your boundaries and walk away. Which is the healthy sane thing to do.

Of you continue to accept his crumbs of affection and attention and drive yourself Crazy wondering why and if and how you can get him back to where you were.

You know what you have to do here thou. One of my friends used to say that someone people come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime.

He was your season. You know you can have a stable relationship but that's gone now and you need to learn to let it go.

So he's not diagnosed autistic but because you work with people with autism you have decided he is??

So he's not diagnosed autistic but because you work with people with autism you have decided he is??

I've not decided anything , I said I have suspicions .

Regardless of the reasons for his emotional distancing from you he has and has demoted you from girlfriend to booty call.

This is spot on . I know I need to let go.

You may want to change the title of your. thread.

Suspicions is not autistic

We date to find out if we are compatible or not. People typically date for a couple years before marrying because you need that time to experience ups and downs to know if you are compatible.

Your first year made you think it was a goer. Then things got rough and he did not make you a priority. Dating has been successful. You have found out he is not the one for you before you find yourself married with a baby. Time to move on.

Apologies for the misleading thread title

Tork thank you, that was a useful post .

I stupidly told myself that staying for the sex alone was worth it ( please don't flame me for this , I'm still learning ). As the sex is phenomenal and he still remains an attentive, gentle , passionate lover, I held on. After watching a few of the videos recommended by a poster on here , I can understand why allowing that to continue has been so self destructive .

You sound lovely OP...really lovely. 💐 for you.

I’d say this man’s mental health is not in a good enough place to maintain a relationship. He can perhaps cope with something where there is no commitment but when he said he can’t give you what you need he was right. He wouldn’t be able to give anyone what they need because he really does have to focus on coping with his depression. And that doesn’t involve you or anyone else.

I’m sure he may be a nice guy but the impact of his depression is too great and there is a risk you will end up feeling used or abused by him He may like the idea of a relationship but in reality cannot do what a relationship needs to survive. This is no good for you.

Look after yourself and find someone who meets all your needs and who can deal with you meeting theirs.