Pregnancy and porn

[Soontobemum2020]

Hi everyone,

I'm 32 weeks pregnant, conception by IVF back in March after trying for 18 months.

I found out last night that very early on in my pregnancy (March / April) my husband was using porn everyday. At the time, I remember I was quite moody and depressed with first trimester hormones.

I saw some porn on his phone (not snooping - he was showing me something and it appeared!) and he admitted that he had been using it a lot, felt it was problematic back earlier in the year, but that he looks at it less now. I know porn's normal and the thought of him using it had never bothered me before, but I didn't sleep a wink last night worrying.

He said he was using it as a crutch during the stress of lockdown, and didn't want to admit to it because he enjoyed having it to lean on. My worry is that, with our baby due in 2 months, there are tougher times ahead for us (not to mention less sex!), so will he fall back into the habit? Maybe everyday isn't too much, and I'm creating a problem where there isn't one? Is it a healthy way to deal with stress?

I was just a bit shocked, and feel sad that at what is meant to be a special time for us, I feel less close to him. I am also aware that my post-birth body could be quite different, and my self-esteem could take a hit if he's always sneaking off the bathroom with his phone.

He says he will give it up entirely, but I'm reluctant for him to make a promise that will be hard to keep. I would be happy if I thought he could use it in moderation.

Is this a problem, or am I overreacting?

I think it’s a problem.

In my experience it’s a problem. I went through the same kinda thing years ago with my dd1... he was watching porn, I found out and it caused many arguments. He said he’d stop.
Then I got pregnant with dd2. I found out he was still using porn.
It was years and years of arguments. It made me feel crap because of my low self esteem at the time.

Not sure I have advice for you but just to say your not overreacting.

From my point of view.

I am female and I have me time. Oh isn't interested in sex anymore. But even when he was I still had me time. I've had it since I was a teenager. Maybe 1-2 times a week. I don't particularly look at porn. But occasionally I have. It's nothing against him. It's just if I am in the mood and alone.

I think pregnancy can change sex. But it isn't you. It's just the way it goes. It doesn't matter really if he enjoys a cheeky ten minutes. We all have sex drives.

Admittedly if he's constantly watching it and neglecting you it's not on. But I do believe we all have a private life even when we are in relationships.

It sounds like it's already a problem

It depends I think, if it affects your sex life, your show of affection for each other, causes a loss of respect between you, then it becomes a source of resentment. That's a big problem.
Once DC comes, and dynamics between you change, you may end up wondering if it's the DC or porn use that changed things, as now you know what he does, you can't unknow it IYSWIM.
Were you more distant with each other during March/April?

Please Dont ask a porn question on this man hating forum. Maybe aibu would be a more realistic measure, however what are your concerns with it? What do you think n it will do?
Most men watch porn. A lot of women watch porn. A surprising few went on to murder folk, or turn into deprived animals etc. Perhaps a better indication may be frequency or type or whether it interferes in normal life or sex drive etc.

I think it’s a problem if it’s everyday that’s more like an addiction. I feel so bad for you it must be so horrible discovering this when your so vulnerable. All I can suggest is sitting down and having an honest conversation about it all and what your boundaries are Like you say you are heading for difficult times and it’s really going to stress you out thinking his doing this all the time while you are struggling with a newborn that’s horrible. Get all your feelings out and try and come to some kind of understanding between each other he needs to be honest with you about this. Men should realise when their wives find this crap all it does is push them further away from them and ruin our self esteem And confidence Damaging our sex lives even more Good luck

As baileys6904 has said, porn use almost always produces outrage and instant calls to LTB on this forum.

If he is neglecting you and your needs are not being met because he is using porn then it is a problem. If he is just using it because you are not willing/able at the moment because of your pregnancy then I would not worry. Men cannot turn off their urges just because their DP may not be available for whatever reason - TMI perhaps but it's either masturbation or frustration, and the former is the sensible option.

Don't make him promise to give it up, he will find that very difficult and either he will break the promise and carry on anyway or he will become frustrated and blame you for the problem.

You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, but unless there are other issues in your relationship I think you should stop worrying, it's normal for your sex life to be disrupted when you have babies, most couples get back to normal in time and there is nothing in what you have said to suggest that you will be any different.

Hating porn does not equal hating men. FFS I despair. Just because porn has been totally normalised does not make it OK.

It clearly is a problem OP as you're not happy and you're worrying about the future. It sounds as though you're talking to your DP about it, so I think you should just keep doing that, keep communicating until you can reach an agreement where you are both happy.

Dont ask a porn question on this man hating forum.

@Soontobemum2020 What I've learned from threads on this forum is every woman has their own feelings/boundaries about porn and that's ok. I would have my own feelings about it based on exes etc but that's my own personal feelings based on my experience, others' feelings will be different.

Some people have ethical objections to porn, and those are valid points.

I think all you can do is keep an eye on your relationship and keep checking in with yourself about how you feel about how he acts towards you and whether you're happy.

I find it hard to believe that people never Masterbate, daydream or fantasize on here. He's not cheating. He's not sleeping about. He's pleasuring himself and it's a private thing that all adults have done at some point. It doesn't matter what he's getting off on unless he's neglecting his wife. Its just fantasy. Porn is not real life and I'm sure deep down he loves his wife and adores her. There's a difference between having sex with someone you love and having abit of fun in your own time. It's just a fantasy in his head. We all have that side to different degrees.

As long as he loves his wife and its just pregnancy related then give him a break. I'm sure most men get themselves off at some point.

Porn is only a problem if it affects your sex life or he reduces his intimacy towards of you. Otherwise what's the problem...?

E.g. If he no longer wants to cuddle, be intimate, or have sex with you, then it's a problem.

Porn is only a problem if it affects your sex life or he reduces his intimacy towards of you. Otherwise what's the problem...

A fair amount of people (I would include myself) have ethical objections to the way porn is made and to the effect it is having on society and relationships. Mentioning these objections on MN is hating men according to some...

That doesn't seem to be the thrust of the OPs problem, it's more the way his use is affecting the relationship and the way it makes her feel, and it's that she wants to address.

Also @toffieefee masturbation and pornography are totally separate issues. Masturbation is a natural bodily function for many, many people. Pornography is not.

Porn every day wrong. Whats wrong with a hobby? Running, cycling, woodwork, if a man I was with spent a good part of the day wanking to porn I'd dump him.
My exH did this and was unable to have normal sex any more by the end of our marriage. He could only do it dressed up in rubber with porn on in the background and he had developed ED at 40.

Tell him you don't want to know anything about it or see any evidence of it and leave him to police himself. You may be grateful he has an outlet that isn't cheating when you don't feel like having sex for the year or two you're breastfeeding as is common

It’s all very well people saying if it doesn’t affect the relationship then what’s the problem- but they are talking about ‘the relationship’ usually simply from a sexual angle on the side of the man, is he still interested, can he still ‘get it up’ does he still think you are amazing etc — what isn’t said is that it can affect the relationship in much less obvious ways, woman ‘goes off’ /loses respect for her partner because finds it a 100% turn off /goes totally against her ethics that he’s watching this stuff, woman no longer trusts her partner 100% because he is doing this behind her back and hiding it or lying about it, woman loses self esteem because her partner is watching young dolled up /dressed up porn models and in the meantime she is struggling with young kids/ struggling with an illness - whatever- numerous variations. Now if a couple both love it, both in agreement that it’s no issue and it’s been discussed- then that’s absolutely fine and dandy— but I think more often than not this isn’t the case- — it’s often ‘in secret’, ‘lied about’ and way more often than many would admit to . I was always very blasé and cool
about it until looking at partners history casually one day when looking for something we had looked up earlier and confronted with looking at pages full of local hookers, random
Local shag pick up advertisements and masses of webcamming stuff links through off most sites and is literally ‘shoved in your face’- as that’s what pays— i was gobsmacked that mainstream porn sites were like this— thought it was a bit like the old Playboy magazines etc— all soft focus poses and stuff and changed my mind immediately as to how ‘harmless’ it was. The idea my partner looked at these pages , even if paying for nothing gave me the creeps. So talking about ‘affecting the relationship’ has far more to it than is he still interested /capable sexually for many women- and particularly older women I feel

Porn is not the same as masturbating. Men watching porn are watching real live young women with perfect young bodies and fantasising they are shagging them. They will have favourite porn stars and the porn stars will be doing things other women wouldn't and acting like it's the best thing ever.

How would any women not feel inferior compared to this every day? Fat and old and just generally The least sexy woman on the planet?

So does a constant diet of this have an effect on men? If I spent 30 minutes to a couple of hours watching something every day it would affect everything I did. I'd think about it all the time. Porn is highly stimulating. It's utterly disingenuous to suggest this is just something a guy does and forgets about. It's in his brain all the time. Including when he's having sex with his wife.

I've heard more than one therapist tell me that they get a constant stream of young men through their doors unable to have relationships or erections.

And that's without the specifics. A generation of boys learning your step sister or step mother is someone you fuck. That extreme anal is a great idea (cause you're not the one that will have faecal incontinence). That all women are lesbians and that all lesbians want to fuck men.

Yep. It's just all good. Totally not going to have any effect on your relationship

Porn is not the same as masturbating. Men watching porn are watching real live young women with perfect young bodies and fantasising they are shagging them. They will have favourite porn stars and the porn stars will be doing things other women wouldn't and acting like it's the best thing ever.

Yeah the sex acts in porn are quite dad removed from what is enjoyable for most women a d neb end up.tbinmjng they're normal/average and should've enjoyable.

For example It's actually quite hard to find oral sex in women (that is not lesbian, and by lesbian I mean lipstick lesbianism, for the male gaze of course). Occasionally you'll stumble across it in the less degrading mainstream videos but most of the time it's non existent or a few seconds that look really rough.

It's an absolutely terrible "training"/normalising platform for men when it comes to equal emphasis on both partners and sensual, affectionate, loving etc sex.

*on

"Men cannot turn off their urges just because their DP may not be available for whatever reason - TMI perhaps but it's either masturbation or frustration"

This sounds so reasonable, until you realise the poster doesn't actually mean "it's ok to masturbate". What he really means is "Men can't turn off their urges, therefore when our pregnant wives aren't giving out, we have to watch porn."

Rubbish.

Hi everyone this is my first post .
I'm actually really mentally upset from past few months since i found him watching porn and musterbate right next to me while I'm sleeping and also he is watching half naked womens on Instagram ( the account he is hiding) i was pregnant when i found that out sex was always on table but he always refused to have sex because I'm getting big and I can't do same I used to do bhla bhla. I told him how i felt he said he is watching he is not doing anything with anyone and that's what all men do and he don't care about my feelings . Whole pregnancy he watched and his friends send him some dirty stuff too its bother me but not saying anything . Now I'm new mum he is want to sex but I'm not feeling it because I feel like cheated . Everything just changed in me when he say he want to make love I start crying by thinking that while having sex with he must be thinking about other womens I don't I am being silly or what. I thought was enough for him he don't need anything else i am 22 years old but now I'm really hurting .Any advice for me ?

He doesn't love you. And he's very much not a nice man. I'm afraid you're going to be a single mum. Rip the plaster off and do it as quickly as possible - and go to CMS and set up formal maintenance. Set up formal access too - if your child is a baby it's no overnights yet but don't give him any reason to start screaming about 50/50 or wanting full custody.

But he's not into you any more. Find your dignity and take control. You're 22 and he will bring you nothing but pain. It's not getting any better.

He's already made it clear he doesn't care about your feelings and the crying and being upset and vulnerable has made him like you less. We always think that they will feel sorry for us snd understand how they are affecting us and stop. It doesn't work like that. It makes them love us less and be more cruel. So you need to be strong and treat him like he's not important. But you really need him to leave. This isn't improving but if you throw him out he might, just might, reflect and in a few months time change (this only happens after he loses you completely). I very much doubt it though.